Even when it hurts
by 100Percent Shipper
Summary: Branching off from the moment Tessa moves out of Sharon's place. The finality of that choice, to be with Noah, is indelible in Mariah's minds. But the pull to be together is stronger than either of them.
1. Chapter 1

_So there are certainly not enough Teriah fics out there. Not sure how big this fic will get but there are at least a dozen chapters in the works. I don't know how frequently I will be able to update but I promise you that this fic will get finished._

 _I started writing this when Tessa moved out, so that is when the fic starts. Clearly we've had some awesome scenes air since then which are not part of this timeline._

xxxx

Tessa left on Sunday and it was now Wednesday.

Mariah arrived at the office early enough that she could make a line for her desk without having to greet anyone, conscious that her make-up couldn't quite hide the red rims around her eyes. The laptop was open and she was staring at her twitter feed.

I hope HilaryCurtis hasn't stupidly fired MariahCopeland, she's the best thing on the show.

Stop sidelining my girl MariahCopeland, TheHilaryHour! Where is she?

Maybe MariahCopeland finally stuck it to HilaryCurtis and eloped with Devon!

The tweets made her feel marginally better. She didn't have the volume of fans Hilary did, but the ones she did have were loyal and fierce. Since the tripping incident they had become particularly vocal of any perceived slight towards herself and she knew she shouldn't put too much stock in tweets like that but on a day like today they made the world look a little less bleak.

"You going to answer them?" Hilary asked, sauntering up to Mariah's desk and perching herself on the edge, coffee in hand. Mariah hadn't even heard her arrive. "Or are you too busy ignoring Devon?"

She hadn't even been here ten minutes. Hilary was well aware of Mariah's fans, but she found them more amusing than anything else.

"I was sick, as you well know." Mariah replied without looking up. She knew Hilary would clock her lie in an instant, that woman could smell these things. It's what made her such a natural at her job. So she closed the laptop, stood up and went to the kitchenette. She pulled out a mug, pouring coffee into it, bristling when she heard the sharp snap of heels behind her.

"Well I'm glad you're back, we had a lot of work to do. And Devon seemed truly worried when you didn't answer his calls." Hilary said as she drew level and pried the coffee pot from Mariah's hand to top up her own mug.

Mariah didn't even want to ask how Hilary knew she'd ignored Devon's calls but she could hear the purr in her voice, the cat that had the cream voice, dripping with implication. And as if on cue, her phone buzzed to which Hillary raised an eyebrow.

"I have to go to wardrobe, if you'll excuse me" Mariah said.

"Say hi to Devon for me!" said the false voice that followed her out of the room.

Mariah waited until she was clear of Hilary's sight and she braced herself against the wall. It had seemed like the best thing to do, getting out of the house this morning, but now she wished she'd just kept on driving past work, past the Underground and continued until she left Genoa City altogether. Or stayed under her covers She didn't have the energy to fight that woman's barbs right now, her smug looks of condescension, her insufferable haughtiness.

She pulled out her phone from her back pocket, the screen lighting.

'What's up bestie? I'm performing at the Underground tonight, please say you can come, I miss you!'

She stared at the screen, her fingers hovering over the keys and frowned in annoyance at the tears which were far too eager to make an appearance. She blinked a few times. Her fingers tapped out out a response which she promptly deleted and she then started again before settling on:

'Hey, I'm still not feeling that great, I might give it a pass.'

This wasn't technically a lie. She felt like there was lead in her chest weighing her whole body down.

She was standing in front of the rack of dresses in wardrobe distractedly flicking through to find the outfit for today's show when her phone buzzed again.

'Please! I need you there. I'll go up first so you can leave straight after...' and Tessa ended it with three sets of hand clasped in prayer and a heart.

Mariah sighed and put the phone away, picking up a plum coloured dress and contemplated it a moment. It was a tight little number with a plunging neck line. No, she decided. It felt too revealing and she needed something more flowing and soft to hide inside. Actually a track suit would suit her mood better. She put the dress back and flicked past a few more and settled on a sleeveless midnight blue number with a high neckline and a flattering A line. Perfect. She pinned her name tag to it, placing the dress on her hook for Sally, the wardrobe lady, to steam press.

Only then did Mariah allow herself to look at her phone again. _I need you there._

Watching Tessa leave on Sunday had changed something. In the silence of her exist, Mariah had sobbed. It had felt so final, like Tessa wasn't just leaving, she was also taking any hope that Mariah had secretly held that she might finally look into her eyes, recognise what she felt and return it. Perhaps Tessa had recognised it. Mariah swung between the conviction that she did - the gentle rebuff to Mariah's desperate plea for her to stay seemed only to confirm it - and doubting anything at all. How stupid she felt! How could she have exposed herself like that? How could she have even thought that...

The finality of Tessa's choice was imprinted in Mariah mind. She was with Noah. And with that choice Tessa had taken Mariah's dreams of sweet kisses and interlaced fingers, lazy mornings in bed and cuddles on the couch. Dreams of things she'd never wanted before but she now ached for with troubling acuteness.

So she'd emerged from her room with a firm resolve and it didn't involve capitulating to a request like this. It involved her being cool and distant. Just friends. She'd just have to got over it, pull herself up by the boot straps and move on before she exposed herself even more than she had.

But she was staring at those words. _I need you there._ And dammit! She couldn't say no.

She tapped out an affirmative, quietly hating her own weakness.


	2. Chapter 2

_So no clue what the name of the streaming service is. I made it up._

 _xxx_

Time had crawled by in that mysterious way it sometimes did. More than once Mariah had found her eyes drifting to the window above her desk to the Genoa city skyscrapers before pulling herself back to the task at hand. It was almost lunch time and Mariah was drafting a proposal for a new segment on Hilary hour when Devon made an appearance. In his hand he held a kraft paper bag, from which he extracted a soup and a green juice which he placed on her desk and kissed her cheek.

"Since you wouldn't let me visit you while you were sick," he said and brandished a spoon.

"Devon, you shouldn't have..."

" You're my girlfriend, I wanted to! And I also have the ulterior motive of wanting you to get well so I can take you on that trip."

Mariah made a grimace.

"Actually, Devon, I was thinking that now isn't a great time to go to Chicago... I have a bunch of things to catch up on here and with this interview with Nick and this event for Ashley, there's just a lot of stuff going on."

She watched for his reaction and she saw the subtle fall of his face. The telling micro pause.

"No, of course, I understand how things can get with work," he said, "you just let me know when you're up for it. I think it would do us some good to spend time alone."

Mariah smiled at him.

"And I figure," he continued, "you're probably hungry right now, so how about we have lunch? I brought enough for two."

"Uh, well..." Mariah started to say.

"...you can't."

"I'm sorry." she said, "I have a meeting in half an hour and I have to get this proposal done..."

Devon nodded his head, his lips pursed, his hands shoved into the back pocket of his jeans.

"No. Of course. I get how work can be."

"Thank you for the lunch, though. It's really sweet of you."

"Of course," he said and after a moment stooped down to kiss her goodbye. "Call me when you're free."

Mariah felt particularly shitty as she watched him go.

XxX

The Underground was already packed when Mariah arrived. The lights were dim, the brick walls obscured in darkness just beyond the reach of their light giving corners for patrons to hide inside. It could have been a dive bar were it not for the expensive fixtures and a general cleanliness. Standing room was tight and Noah was behind the bar at the center of the room, serving the patrons lining up on all four sides. But it wasn't him she was scanning the room for.

"Mariah!" Tessa's voice sounded out over the hubbub of voices and the sound of Brood's 'We Had Everything' .

She turned around and felt her stomach flutter. Tessa was squeezing out of the booth in the corner of the room and flung her arms around Mariah's neck, pulling her close. She had girded herself before walking in, telling herself that she could do this but it was involuntary that way she sank into the embrace, the way her body molded to Tessa's. She didn't mean to close her eyes as if to savour the sensation, she'd promised to keep her hands to herself and to quell the stirrings of her heart. But here she was, her hands splayed on Tessa's back, her heart thrumming.

"I'm so glad you came!" Tessa said.

They sat down at the table and Tessa pushed a hot chocolate towards her.

"I figure you're not up for alcohol tonight and I know how coffee keeps you up if you have it after 3."

"Thanks." Mariah said with a smile, "just how I like it."

"I know."

In spite of herself she was glad to be here, sitting in the dark corner of the bar with Tessa. Maybe they could just be friends, maybe this things she was feeling would pass – she didn't want to loose what they had.

"So." Mariah said. "How is it going, how do you like living with Noah?"

She asked this because it was the right thing to ask. A friend would ask this.

"Noah's been really sweet. And" Tessa said, tapping Mariah's arm, "I've been picking up my dirty clothes!"

It was said with such proud enthusiasm and Mariah couldn't help but smile.

"Oh so you've changed you're ways, have you?"

"I'm trying to be better."

"Hmmmm. I give it a week." Mariah said with a waggle of her finger

"Is that how little you think of me!?" said Tessa in pretend shock

"I know your type!"

"Oh do you! Well I'll bet you a home cooked dinner that I can last at least a month."

The suggestion amused her greatly.

"Will you be the one cooking? Because I don't think food poisoning is prize."

"Ouch! I am so deeply,offended! But mark my words, you'll be the one cooking, Mariah. Because I'm going to win this." Tessa said smugly.

Mariah laughed and shook Tessa's proffered hand.

"You're on."

They sat back into their booth, shifting so they could look out into the room, side by side. It was a good turn out for a Wednesday and Tessa felt proud of what her brother had accomplished. Having worked at the Underground, she understood how much work went into running a place like this. She looked to Noah who was now standing to the right of the stage fiddling with the soundboard.

"I guess I'm on soon." Tessa said and took a sip of her drink. "I'm really nervous!"

"You've done this so many times already."

"Yeah, but tonight performance is special." Tessa said, "I can't wait for you to hear it."

"I'm intrigued."

"Good."

Before Mariah could question her further, Tessa and waved to someone she'd spotted."Oh yay, he made it."

Mariah looked over to see Devon making his way.

"Mariah! I didn't expect to see you here since you said you weren't feeling that great. If I'd known you were up for it I'd have asked you."

"Oh, I emotionally blackmailed her into coming." Tessa said lightly a devilish little grin on her face.

"Ah."

He moved in beside Mariah, his arm coming to rest on the seat behind her. He kissed her on the cheek.

"Okay, well" Tessa said taking a heavy breath, "I'm going to go and set myself up."

She slid out, picking up her guitar leaning by the table

"Wait for me after the set, okay?" she said to Mariah

"Of course."

She moved into the crowed.

There was a pause in which Mariah was aware of Devon's eyes on her and she took a sip of the hot chocolate.

"It's good of you to come tonight and support her."

"Of course." she said. With a spoon, she fished out a marshmallow. Another pause.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, just still a bit under the weather." she said and smiled, "the soup helped though. It was delicious, thank you."

"It was my pleasure."

Her back was stiff and she sat without touching him. She could feel a sort of internal shrinking like she was closing into herself. It wasn't even conscious, but something had happened while she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling the last few days.

"Mariah...are you sure you're okay? You're acting all strange."

She was saved from having to respond by Noah's announcement that the open mic was about to begin.

XxX

It was her voice. Its warm timbre, the way she scaled the notes, the subtle vebrato and depth of her tone as she rounded out the phrases. It floored Mariah every time. Tessa was magnetic on stage, her long limb rock chic stance, the raven hair, red lips and dark eyes that lit up as she sang. The guitar was slung across her body, strummed with easy confidence and all traces of her usual quiet insecurity dissipated.

She played two new songs she'd laid down at the last recording session and the crowd loved it. Among the clapping were a few wolf whistles and shouts of appreciation.

"Aw stop it," she said into the microphone and laughed. "but if you like what you hear, you can stream all the songs you've from tonight any time on Mousike. It's a streaming service that has just rolled out in the US and there is some amazing talent on there, so go check it out."

She plucked a few strings as she shifted gears.

"My last song for tonight is also a new one. It's about someone very special to me and who is here tonight. Someone who has been there through some really tough times, no questions asked and I can't begin to express how grateful I am for that support. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Mariah shifted forward in her seat at these words. She rested her elbows on the table and her chin on her clasped hands. Goosebumps rippled across her body.

Tessa started the backing track and layered on the guitar. When she turned her eyes to Mariah, the rest of the room faded away. It became just her in the dark and Tessa on the stage, singing these words for her. Here it was easy to forget the desperate tears she'd shed in the last few days, the man sitting beside her, the brother standing stage right. Here it was so clear that any resolve she might have come to keep her distance was incomprehensible, completely crazy and futile when she felt the way she did.

 _When I'm in the shadows,  
Stuck in my mind  
You break the darkness,  
You cast it aside  
Things that I carry with me,  
Unrelenting_

When I'm at my worst  
In the harshest night  
I know you're with me  
Even when it hurts  
And I want to hide,  
I know you're with me  
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh  
I know you're with me

 _There was magic in between then notes of the music, pulling in all the swirling emotions, the doubts and fears that had clouded Mariah's mind for months, weaving them into the fabric of the song and it became simple._

 _When I see the valley  
You see the heights  
So unafraid of the doubts that I fight  
Standing beside me,  
With me, unrelenting_

When I'm at my worst  
In the harshest night  
I know you're with me  
Even when it hurts,  
And I want to hide  
I know you're with me  
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh  
I know you're with me

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Even when it hurts,  
And I want to hide  
When I feel alone  
In the darkest night  
Ready for the fight,  
Ready you and I, we try

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh  
I know you're with me  
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh  
I know you're with me

The last chord of the song played and a hush fell before the room erupted into applause. Alone Mariah sat still, her eyes locked with Tessa's.

"Mariah – you're crying." Devon said.

"Oh. I am?" Mariah said and wiped away a tear drop making it's way down her cheek.

Devon rubbed her back. "I thought you didn't do sappy."

He was so full of warmth. She looked at him, searched his eyes for a long moment and his look turned to concern. Then her face crumpled and she hid it in her hands.

"Mariah, what's wrong?"

She didn't respond her body shaking with the force of the realisation she'd just come to.

"Mariah, talk to me, you're scaring me."

"Oh god, Devon. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she chocked out.

"Mariah..."

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I can't. I can't do it anymore, Devon." she found the words sliding out of her as if someone else was saying them. Pulling away from the hand that was still caressing her back as if someone else was moving her.

"You can't do what?"

She looked at him, and shook her head. "This" she said.

"Why?"

" I can't keep doing this. We can't keep lying to ourselves about what this relationship truly is."

"Mariah, where is this coming from?"

"You should be with a woman who can love you the way you deserve, Devon. And that's not me. And I deserve to be with someone who loves me."

He looked at her with a confused look on his face but to her it was as though the thin veil of their relationship had been peeled away and they'd been found out. Like there was no point pretending any more. She slid out of the booth.

"You're an amazing man, Devon. I wish you the best. I hope we can stay friends."

"Mariah..." he called to her as she left.

She didn't turn back, there was not point. She slipped past crowd out the door.

XxX

"Mariah!" Tessa called out.

Mariah stopped but didn't turn around. She was still crying and she didn't want Tessa to see her like this. She stepped into the shadow of the brick wall in the alleyway.

"Mariah," Tessa said as she came closer, "you said you'd wait after the song."

"Sorry." Mariah whispered though the lump in her throat, "I just, I had to go..."

"Mariah?" Tessa's voice was alarmed as she came to stand in front of Mariah. "Why are you crying?"

"I uh, … I just broke up with Devon."

"You..."

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Tessa was largely obscured in shadow, but Mariah could see her eyes looking down at her.

"I thought you guys were doing so well."

Mariah didn't answer, she looked down and the tears renewed down her cheeks.

"Mariah, talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Tessa, I can't right now..."

She rifled through her handbag for her keys and pulled them out. But as she went to leave, Tessa held her back.

"You can't drive, you're in no state. Let me get my things and I'll take you home."

"No, no really, I'm fine."

"You're not fine."

Mariah went to leave again but Tessa had moved in, a hand on her arm and she was hemmed up against the wall.

"My song was that bad, huh?" Tessa said jokingly. "It made you want to break up with him?"

"No" she said, a fluted laugh escaping her, "that song... Tessa, that song, I can't begin to tell you how amazing that song was. It was everything."

Tessa smiled so wide her eyes crinkled.

"I'm so glad" she said. Then her face sobered. Her thumb wiped away a tear on Mariah's cheek.

"Please Mariah. Talk to me." she said softly

Mariah bowed her head and sniffed.

"I just... I don't love him, not like I should. And it was time to be truthful about that because-" She stopped and cleared her throat. Tessa was standing too close and this was not the plan. She couldn't be doing this. She attempted to go again, her hand rising to Tessa's hips and pushing gently

"Stop it, Mariah. Because what?"

Mariah looked up at her.

"Don't push this."

"Why not?"

"You know why not."

"Do I?"

Tessa was hovering over her and Mariah's hands were still on her hips, Their voices had died down to a murmur. Energy thrummed like electricity, the air crackled, their breath slowed and the moment burgeoned into something different. Mariah's fingers curled, pressing into the soft flesh of Tessa's side and it was the small gasp that escaped her lips that did it. Mariah pulled her in, seeking out her lips and she felt Tessa respond, her mouth just as desperate and possessive on her. She could taste tears and lipstick.

No. No. She had to stop

She pulled back, enough to see Tessa's hungry eyes. She felt a hand thread into her hair and this time it was Tessa who closed the gap and when she felt the tip of a tongue trace along her lip, she was incapable of refusing her. The kiss deepened. She felt the rough texture of the brick as Tessa pressed her up against it, gentle hands cupping her face as if this was the single most important thing these hands could do. Mariah's arms wrapped around Tessa, hands fisting into the back of her top, pulling her closer. She was molten inside, like her body was warm liquid. A leg settled between her thighs, pressing up against the apex and her hips rocked.

She gasped and pulled her head away with a dull thud against the wall.

They stayed there, Tessa's soft body pressed to hers with lips so close they brushed together as they breathed, like it would be only moments before Tessa's lips would claim her again,. It took everything she had to push her away.

"We can't be doing this." she said and she slipped away from Tessa's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

_So this probably doesn't go in the direction you want it to. Alas, I am not getting the girls together quite that quick. I feel that the way the story was setup in canon means a bit of leg work is needed to untangle their little web. I do hope you'll hang in there._

xxx

The ranch was dark when she arrived home. Sharon was still at work and for that she was grateful. She flopped onto her unmade bed, her head falling over the edge. From here she could see out the window, to the stars strewn across the sky, their tiny pin prick lights shining quietly. It was one of favourite things about living at the ranch, the fact that she could look at the night time sky full of firefly lights.

In her hand, her phone buzzed but she didn't look, sliding the phone under a pillow instead. She could still feel Tessa lips on her, her fingertips in her hair, their bodies pressed together. She burned with the memory. Their first kiss had been a soft revelation. This kiss, however, had shaken her more deeply than she could even understand. It had been fueled by want, by passion, by things that she never felt. Tessa's honey voice echoed in her ear, singing to her, _I know you're with me,_ in a lazy loop.

Her phone vibrated again. She rolled over and stood up, letting it buzz mutely and exited towards the bathroom to wash her face clean. This day could not be done fast enough. It was as she was patting her skin dry that the doorbell rang. She considered ignoring it. The bell rang impatiently again. It would logically be one of two people, neither of whom she really wanted to see but when the door bell rang a third time with an insistent series of knocks, she leaned onto the bathroom sink, looked at herself in the mirror, said, 'don't be a coward,' and went to the door.

"You're not answering my messages."

"Tessa..."

"Can I come in?"

Mariah stepped aside and Tessa stalked in and down the entrance steps, wringing her hands together, her skin white from the pressure.

"So, uh, what just happened? Because that was... I don't know what that was but we need to talk about it."

Mariah watched her as she paced.

"I kissed you. And you kissed me back." she said.

"Yes, you did and I did but I'm... I don't know , I don't know what to think. I don't know what came over me and I'm sorry... but then you ran away like that and...I just. I just don't want to loose you Mariah."

She moved to Mariah and took her hands in her own.

"I can't loose you."

Tessa was looking at her with such earnestness. Those soft brown eyes. Mariah felt herself be drawn into them but before she lost her will, she extricated her hands gently away and took a step back.

"You're with Noah."

"Yes. I am."

"You're with Noah." Mariah repeated again flatly. That was all the context needed.

Tessa took a step closer. Mariah put her hands up to still her advance.

"I don't trust myself around you, Tessa. Not after tonight."

"What are you trying to say, Mariah?"

"I don't know!" she exclaimed, "I don't know what I'm trying to say!"

"It doesn't have to mean anything. You just broke up with Devon and you were upset..."

Tears pooled at Mariah's eyelashes "How can you say that! I didn't kiss you because I was upset over Devon. I kissed you because I have feelings for you! And we can't ignore this like San Fran. We can't put this in a vault and pretend we're just friends! And honestly, I don't want to. But I can't keep putting myself through this, feeling like my heart is being gouged out of my chest, knowing that you don't want me, knowing that you go home to my brother."

Her voice choked up and she couldn't continue for a moment. She swayed on her feet as she gathered herself and then stood up straight with a shaky breath. There, she'd said it. She'd laid it out on the table, unequivocally. She watched Tessa, who was crying too, her mascara running in a black rivers down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Mariah, I hope you know I never meant to hurt you." Tessa said sadly.

Mariah believed her. Not that it mattered much to her heart. She had opened herself up to Tessa, made herself vulnerable in a way she never had before with anyone. Tessa has slipped through her barriers and exposed parts of herself she kept quiet and hidden away and like so many other times in her life, she had been burned and she bled from that wound. She would not be so reckless with herself again.

"I need some time to think, Tessa."

There was a pause while Tessa tried to read her. Maybe she was looking for a way to change her mind but Mariah was resolute and her gaze said as much.

"Okay," Tessa responded in a small voice and the edges of her mouth quivered. Mariah could not afford to be swayed by it so she moved to the door and Tessa followed. In the doorway Tessa stopped and turned, placing a hand on her forearm.

"Call me when you're ready." she said.

Mariah closed the door and leaned her forehead against it, tears hot on her cheeks. She wanted so desperately for this to play out differently and a small part of herself had hoped it might. She'd hoped Tessa following her meant she was feeling something too which was why she'd shared her secrets with her, wrote a song for her, had kissed her fiercely up against the wall of the Underground not even an hour ago. But Tessa hadn't come to make a decaration. She hadn't come to confess her love. Whatever Tessa felt or didn't feel for her was immaterial because she was with Noah. She'd chosen Noah.

Mariah had always felt a distance with the people she'd dated. She'd wondered at this, thinking that maybe she was just built different, or maybe she was just too screwed up to feel things like everyone else. So she'd learnt to shrug it off, wear her defensiveness with sharp tongue and a synical smile, ignoring how other it made her feel. She'd been too afraid to look at this part of herself that was broken, claiming to be proud, even, that she was somehow immune to it all. Only she wasn't.

She stayed leaning on the door until the sound of Sharon's car crunched across the gravel of the driveway. She escaped to her bedroom, slipped beneath the covers and did not sleep.

XxX

She arrived at work at the usual time. In the kitchen, she poured herself a cup of coffee. She opened up her laptop and checked her email and smiled when the line producer passed by. At the morning meeting she pitched an idea and when Hilary tried to dismiss it, she fought for it as if she cared. But her heart wasn't in it. All these actions were done as if by rote, like she was displaced, watching someone else carry out these tasks because but she didn't know what else to do.

Mid-morning, the script draft she was writing has been sitting untouched for a good 10 minutes and she was staring into space when the phone rang. It was Devon.

"Can we talk?'

When she didn't say anything, he continued "What prompted this, Mariah?"

He could put it together, if he thought about it – Tessa's dedication may have been cryptic but not impossible to decipher, and then her sudden 360 at the end of the song. Other things too, like inviting Tessa to San Fran and how he'd noticed the way she looked at Tessa when she was on stage and many other moments besides...

"Did I do something? Is it because you think I still love Hilary?"

"You do still love Hilary."

"I -"

"Don't, Devon" she said. "Don't keep lying to yourself about this. I get it. You want to protect yourself but I'm not the right person to hide behind."

There was a silence on the line.

"I guess I'm just confused about why now. We were doing good, weren't we?"

"We were both hiding ourselves in the relationship. That's what we were doing."

There was another silence.

"I'm going to miss you." he finally said and Mariah was relieved he didn't protest any further.

"Me too." she said, feeling just how true that was. Had Tessa not been there, she would have stayed. It wasn't a great passionate affair but then she'd always been a bit cynical of great romances because she'd never quite believed they were real. To stay with him now, though, had become impossible, now that she'd had a taste of what she was capable of feeling. She also knew that now, she could never settle for what they had. It was too muted and dull, too pale. Mariah had a fire in her and it demanded to burn brightly.

"We can be friends, right?" she asked.

"Maybe in a bit. I can't lie. It sucks to be dumped." He gave a self conscious laugh,"Bye, Mariah."

"Bye, Devon."

She pulled her phone away from her ear and pressed the red phone icon. She placed the phone down, almost jumping out of her skin when Hilary slinked up.

"How are things with Devon?" she asked as she flipped through some cue cards she had in hand. Her tone left not doubt in Mariah's mind that she had overheard the conversation.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Mariah asked.

"Maybe I will." she replied and began to move away.

"Say." she said stopping, as if the thought had just passed her mind, "how is Tessa? Haven't seen her dropping by in a while."

Hilary's eyes sparkled a little too maliciously for Mariah's liking.

"She figured you must be tired of always loosing your verbal repartee."

"Or maybe" she purred, "you two had a fight."


	4. Chapter 4

_Alas, this chapter is Tessa free, but important to moving the story along. Enjoy and I'll post the next one soon._

 _xxx_

The week wound down to its end and Mariah saw the time stretch out before her with a kind of emptiness she hadn't felt in a long time. She'd become used to Friday drinks at the Underground with Tessa, a workout at the gym, coffee, a walk through the woods bordering the ranch, cooking dinner, movie night underneath a blanket with popcorn and wine or maybe checking out a band Tessa was obsessing over. Devon would surface at some point from his work, she might stay the night at his place or he might drop in and she'd cuddle up with him on the couch, her feet tucked under Tessa's legs to keep them warm while they all chatted or watched a movie. Noah occasionally made an appearance if he could get away from the weekend rush at the Underground.

She missed that as she slouched on the sofa, her laptop balanced on her lap, her phone in hand and a packet of chips within arms reach. Her instagram feed wasn't making her feel better, in fact it made her feel like a useless lump and had her questioning what she was doing with her life. When she saw an insta story from Tessa, she threw her phone down on the couch with a thwack and shoveled a handful of chips into her mouth, eyeing the ring around the avi that begged to be pressed. She managed to contain herself long enough for the screen of her phone to go blank. She knew she was being pathetic but she didn't have the energy to slap herself out of it. Everything felt pretty god damned awful.

She had almost finished the potato chips and was feeling vaguely queezy from the oil when the knock at the door roused her from her internet stupor.

"Go away." she mumbled to herself but rolled off the couch to open the door anyway.

Noah entered, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

"Heya, Mariah."

"Oh. Hey." she said.

"I see you've been having a chill evening." he noted, surveying her laptop and chip packet. "I hope you ate more than just that for dinner."

Mariah gave a non-committal shrug to which he gave her a look.

"I thought you'd be working tonight." she said before he made another comment on her life choices.

"Yeah, actually I'm just heading over now to make sure things are going smoothly. Got a few new staff, so don't quite feel okay about not showing my face on the weekend."

"And you drove five miles out of your way to...?"

"Right, Tessa said she forgot her gym bag here and asked if I could pick it up for her. She said she thinks she left it in the laundry room."

"Oh, yeah, sure. Let me go take a look."

Mariah gladly escaped. She hadn't seen him since the Underground and the memory of Wednesday night was too still too fresh in her mind. It juxtaposed badly with Noah's presence.

She retrieved the bag and returned to the living room to find Noah sitting on the couch munching on a few chips.

"Get them away from me!" he said, holding towards her, "it's bad enough I eat the food from the Underground too often."

Mariah swapped the packed for the straps of Tessa's bag. She then brushed crumbs off the couch plonking back down into the groove she'd been working on.

"You look like the life of the party."

Mariah shrugged non-commitally again, made an attempt at a smile and despite having no desire, shoved a few more chips in her mouth, chomping vigorously, hoping he'd go now he had what he wanted. But he seemed quite happy to sit there a little furrow between his brows.

"What?" she asked through the crunching.

"Have you and Tessa had a fight?"

"What makes you ask that?" she asked, her response a little too quick and a little too sharp. She could hear the defensiveness in her own voice and she winced, hoping Noah hadn't picked up on it.

"Well you look miserable and so does she. She's at home right now flopping around when coming to pick up the gym bag would be the perfect excuse for you two to hangout. And she's been like that a couple of days. I was starting to think it was me or the move, but now I'm thinking it's to do with you."

The her gut churned. Guilt whispered doubts in her ear, making her breath hitch which caused her to cough and she spluttered soggy potatoe chips into her hand. Had Noah guessed? She plucked tissue from table and wiped her hand and took the pause to calm herself. He had no reason to suspect anything.

"I broke up with Devon." she said.

His eyebrows rose. "Uh, I wasn't expecting that."

"Yeah. Neither was I. It just sort of happened."

"I thought you two were getting along so well!"

"We were. But it suddenly became clear to me that even though we had a great time together and he is this great guy... it just wasn't right. I loved him but I wasn't in love with him."

"You could have fooled me."

"Yeah, well I was doing a pretty good job of fooling myself."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mariah." Noah said and reached out to clasp her hand. "I hope that you're okay."

"Oh I'll be fine. Hillary is no doubt over the moon. She's been hungry to have him back for months and I don't think it'll take too much for him to go back to her."

"You think that Devon is still in love with Hillary?"

"You don't think so?"

"I don't know. He never said anything and we've hung out a fair bit. He seemed really into you."

"I think he was fooling himself into believing he was over her and I was there."

"I think it was more than that."

Mariah sighed.

"No, of course, it was, I'm not trying to insinuate that he didn't care for me. I know he did, just like I did him. It's best relationship I've ever had. But when the person is in love with someone else..."

"I'm sorry, Mariah, truly. I hope you feel better about it soon."

Mariah gave a small smile. "Well you know me. I don't do sappy-"

"But none of that explains things with Tessa."

Mariah paused, looking at her little brother, at his concerned face, his large hands clasping her's. He really cared. He cared about her and he cared about Tessa and that knowledge made her feel ill. She was having the frightening idea of being honest. He deserved that, right?

She started to sweat.

"Well. Uh, I just need some time, you know, with work being busy and Devon..."

She could see on his face he wasn't buying it.

"Okay." he said, "I guess it's something private. I get it. I don't want to pry. I only asked because I hate seeing Tessa like this and I don't know how to make it better."

Mariah gave a shrug and didn't say anything. She could feel his eyes on her trying to penetrate beyond her oblique, non verbal response.

"Mariah...just tell me it's nothing serious, okay? You're both acting weird."

Mariah went to speak but found that she couldn't. She didn't know if she trusted her voice not to crack or for the truth that was pushing its way up, not to spill out. She played with the corner of the throw cushion instead. When Noah spoke it was quiet.

"Look, I'll be honest," he said, " I wish she'd open up to me, Mariah. I'm doing my best to be there for her but it's like she's just out of my reach, you know? Like there is this part of herself that she won't share with me. But she does with you. I'm trying to show her that she can trust me and that she can share these things with me too. But in the meantime I've been glad that she had you. Only now, it looks like she doesn't."

Mariah sat frozen on the couch. God. Noah had never spoken to her about things like his love life and it felt wrong, so wrong for him to be divulging his insecurities about this relationship to her. She wiped her damp hands on her jeans.

"Please, just tell me it's nothing serious."

"I can't." Mariah whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't tell it's not serious."

"What happened?"

That pause that ensued was heavy, weighted by the lie on one side and the truth on the other. The balance between them teetered precariously and until Mariah opened her mouth, she wasn't sure which side her words would land on.

"Uh, well, on Wednesday night, at the Underground, Devon and I were there to listen to Tessa's new songs... and that last one she sang, after hearing it, I knew I couldn't stay with him any longer."

Noah frowned. "I'm sorry, Mariah, I'm confused here. What has this got to do with Tessa?"

Mariah shifted, leaning forward her elbows on her knees. She scrubbed her hands over her face and into her hair as she took a breath. Her voice was in her throat.

"I... uh. I don't know if you know, but that song was about me."

"That... it was about you?"

"Yeah. That song was about how I helped Tessa with finding her sister. And hearing it... it was like something clicked for me and I just...I realised I couldn't deny how I feel about..." she couldn't quite make it to the end, to say the word 'her'.

"How you feel?"

She could hear an edge in his voice but she couldn't stop now, she'd already said too much. She knew her next words wouldn't go down well, she knew she was about to hurt her brother, but she felt powerless to stop what was happening and she also knew not saying anything was worse.

She took a breath. "I have feelings for her, Noah. I have feelings for Tessa."

She girded herself before looking up to her brother. His face read shock and maybe disbelief. He rubbed his chin a few times and stood up taking a few steps towards the steps of the entrance way before turning around. She stood also, waiting for him to respond, wishing there was something she could say to negate the impact of her confession.

"But you two are friends..." he said.

"We are. Or were, I don't know right now."

"But you're best friends! Are you sure you're not just confusing what you have? I mean you and Kevin..."

"It's nothing like Kevin. I know how I feel about her."

"Okay." He said slowly, pinpointing her with his gaze. "And these feelings are stronger than what you feel for Devon? Who you said 'I love you' to?"

"They're... they're... different. They're... just. Look I don't know, Noah. I'm confused right now. This is all very new and strange to me! I never thought I would ever feel this way about a woman but I can't help how I feel-"

"And so what happened then? Did you say something to Tessa? Is that why she's been so miserable?"

"It came out when she followed me after her performance. When she asked why I broke up with Devon."

"And what did she say?" he asked tightly.

Mariah flashed to their kiss. Back against the wall, the feel of Tessa's hand on her, her lips, her tongue...

"She... she didn't really say anything."

"What does that mean?"

"She said she doesn't want to loose my friendship and I told her I needed time to figure things out and I haven't had contact with her since."

Noah stood his chin held up, his shoulder's squared and she could feel the anger and hurt in his stance.

"Look, Noah. I told you this because I love you. You're my brother and you are someone important to me and I .."

She took a step towards him and wanted to reach out but she didn't feel like she could. Everything about how he stood recoiled away from it.

"I'm sorry, Noah." she said, "I never meant for this to happen. I hope you don't hate me..."

Noah gathered himself and leaned over to pick up Tessa's bag.

"I appreciate your honesty, Mariah. You can't help how you feel." His tone was straining for neutrality. It was formal and distant. He walked to the door and his hand was on the doorknob about to open the door when she called out.

"Noah!"

He turned to look at her.

"There's one more thing I have to tell you."

"What?"

"I... I kissed her."

He observed her stiffly. Mariah didn't know what she'd expected. Questions, maybe? A demand for an explanation? An angry accusation? But he didn't. His eyes were devoid of all the warmth she'd grown accustomed to seeing there, he seemed distant and unreachable. They'd never been particularly close, even after four years, even after she'd worked at the Underground, even after the fallout of the weekend at the cabin which had left them murder suspects. Truthfully, it was only since Tessa had arrived that they'd spent any amount of time together but there had always been a sort of understanding that they were family. She'd always had the comfort of knowing that if anything happened, without a doubt, he would be there for her. The look on his face seemed to say that was no longer the case.

Noah gripped the handles of Tessa's bag tighter, hauling it to his shoulder. Then without a further word, he opened the door and left.


	5. Chapter 5

_So I decided to post this a bit early. Looks like once a week is what I'll manage for this story in general but I'll also post another chapter on Sunday too this week._

 _Also thank you to those who take the time to review. I can't express how wonderful it is to read them :)_

 _XXX_

It was approaching dusk on Sunday when Mariah decided to go for a run. The day had been listless. She'd slept in, rumbled around the house, half watched a movie and wasted time watching YouTube. She'd done some laundry, done the dishes and cleaned. Sharon had gone to the library to study and Faith was with her dad so she'd spent the entire day without speaking a word.

She woke up feeling groggy from a nap, put on her running gear and headed down the driveway before veering right to follow a narrow dirt path that skirted the horse paddock. The sun was slanting sideways through a line of poplar trees to her left, now bright with yellow leaves and the temperature was already starting drop for the day. Autumn had set in over the last few weeks with its explosion of colour and the air cut through her long sleeved top and leggings. She settled herself in a steady rhythm, grimly enjoying the dull thud of her feet on the ground sending tremors up her leg. She increased her speed and pushed through the burning of her lungs and the straining of her muscles. At the far end of the paddock she weaved into the woods, her feet crunching down on dry leaves, finding the path that bisected it and followed it until she reached a small lake filled with reeds and lily pads. She swung left and ran around, past the small wooden jetty where a couple of kayaks bobbed. From here she could see the Newman mansion, gleamige and hemmed in by its walls. She ran past the path that lead up to it, breathing hard. It felt good, each breath push against the tightness in her chest. She doubled down even as her body became heavy from the exertion, looping a couple of times around the lake before heading back the way she came.

She was halfway along the horse paddock when she spotted a figure running towards her and it took only a moment more to realise it was Tessa. She slowed down, breathing hard and watched as she drew nearer noting the severe look on her face. She braced herself.

"Hi." she called out through lungfuls of air.

Tessa stopped a few paces away, her breath heavy, hands on her hips

"I can't believe you told him." she said without preamble and before Mariah could find any words, continued with;

"He came home last night and started grilling me. Asking me about the song and why I wrote it about you. Asking me if I had feelings for you, asking me if I liked it when you kissed me!"

"I'm sure you put him straight. So to speak."

"This isn't funny, Mariah! He was ready to call it off. He was ready to chuck me out."

"But I'm guessing you sorted it out."

"It's changed things, Mariah!" Tessa cried, "You telling him this, it's changed the way he looks at me, like he doesn't believe me or trust me! Why didn't you at least tell me you were going to do this!"

"I wasn't planning this, Tess! It happened! He came over he asked if we'd had a fight..."

"Well, thank-you. Thank-you so fucking much!"

Tessa threw her hands up and started to walk away.

"Hey, you kissed me back!" Maraih called out, jogging to catch up to her as Tessa strode away.

"Don't! Don't you dare try and make this about me. You're the one who kissed me, Mariah, both times. And I was okay with that because you're my best friend. I've never had a friend like you, but then you went and told him."

"He's my brother!" Maria exclaimed and she reached out to stop Tessa. "I have to look at him in the eye and know that I've done right by him. He's my family."

Tessa turned to face Mariah. "And you're my family! You're everything I have in the world right now. I can't loose you."

Mariah saw the pain. How close Tessa was to tears and how hard she was trying to hold them in. It made her heart ache. She wanted so much to make it go away.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Tessa." she said, her tone softening, "I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to do the right thing. It felt like the thing to do in that moment. I should have discussed it with you, you're right."

"Why couldn't you just keep it to yourself? " Tess breathed. "It changes things, don't you get it?"

It was instinctual to step closer and take her hands, the fingertips pink from the cold and the nail painted emo black. Mariah's thumb brushed over her knuckles. The chilled air was wrapping itself around them and making the golden leaves of the poplar trees rustle. A tendril of hair had escaped from Tessa's ponytail and played against her jaw line. Mariah's hand rose to tuck it away.

"I'm sure that Noah will be okay." she said and felt a little outside of herself, hearing those words as if they weren't hers. "Give him a few days..."

Her hand trailed down Tessa's cheek. The sun was dipping into the horizon, exploding the sky with colour and warm orange rays, making Tessa glow with an ethereal beauty. She was looking down at her like she had many times before, with soft brown eyes. The desire to kiss her was intense and the though made her knees weak but she didn't. Instead she took a deep breath and stepped away, letting Tessa go. She hated the next thing she was going to say but she knew that it was what she had to do.

"I didn't really think it through, but sometimes things just come out of me and I can't help it. You want to be with Noah and I'm not going to come in between you because I want you to be happy, Tessa. More than anything. And if you're happy with him, then that's wonderful" she was choking on her words but she kept going, "and I feel like, right now, me being around will only hurt your relationship, so..."

Mariah trailed off, girding herself for the next words.

"...so I think we should just take some time apart."

"Isn't that what we're doing now? Didn't you say you needed time to think?"

"No, Tessa. I think we should stop seeing each other."

Tessa's her lower lip trembled.

"Are you... breaking up with me?"

Mariah laughed through tears. It sure felt like a break up.

"I'm just trying to do the right thing here."

"I don't want that." Tessa said.

"But that's what your relationship needs, isn't it? If you really want it to work."

Tessa bit her lip and the tears fell down her face.

"Oh Tessa!" Mariah said and stepped forward to wipe them away and Tessa's hands rose to keep the hands at her cheek, stepping close until their foreheads touched.

"But you're my only friend." Tessa whispered.

The lump in Mariah's throat was rock hard and so big she didn't trust herself to say anything. Then Tessa gathered her into a hug, her hand resting protectively on the back of her head. She melted into those arms aware that this would likely be the last time she could hug her this way, tucking her head into Tessa's neck as if it belonged there. Tessa pulled away first, her head dipping down and her hands sliding into her back pockets.

"Hey, Tessa, you'll be fine. You have Noah!" Mariah said trying to sound cheerful.

"And you?"

"Don't worry about me. I'll be okay." she said resolutely even though it felt like a lie. She grabbed Tessa's hand and pulled her towards her car as the last rays of autumn sunshine disappeared, light giving way to darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

_Honestly thank you so much for your kind reviews. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter. This is a bit of a change in perspective and some more plot development. So begins the end of Toha *evil cackle* so please do forgive the affection and stuff in this chapter. I want to honour Canon!Tessa's feelings for Noah and hopefully it'll make Teriah that much more epic.  
_

Tessa had to pull up on the side of the road, her eyes were so blurry she couldn't see. She rummaged through wrappers and paper bags from takeaways she'd thrown in the back of her car until she found a napkin to wipe her tears and blow her nose. She looked herself in her mirror. God, she looked a mess. She checked her watch and saw that she had five minutes to get to the Newman residence for the guitar lesson, so she took a deep breath and started the car again. The quiet music of Mt Wolf filled the car and made her feel calmer.

XxXx

Playing music helped. It always did. Whenever she'd been afraid, angry or uncertain growing up, she'd played. When she'd been happy, she'd played. It was the backdrop to her life, the thing that gave her hope

Her parent's had been largely indifferent to her aspirations. She'd had an old toy guitar from when she was a toddler and on that she'd amused herself for hours making up melodies. She kept asking for a real guitar and some lessons but that cost money that they'd rather spent on alcohol or drugs, except for that one time when her father had come home, a birthday gift under his arms and it was a guitar. It had dings and scratches, terrible acoustics and strings that were so hard to hold down, they sliced into her fingertips but she'd loved it. With the help of the internet, she'd taught herself the basics. With the help of Ms. Butterworth in high school, she'd learnt how to be a musician. This had been her lifeline.

By the time Reed's lesson was over, the tempestuous waves rolling through her had calmed to a rocky sea. She picked up some Chinese and drove to Noah's.

His place was nothing like Sharon's. It was industrial, sleek, monochrom. She could see the Newman influence in the décor, high end black granite counter top against white cabinets, full length windows along one wall with electronic shades and high ceilings. He had a black leather sectional couch and a glossy white coffee table on a plush white rug facing a 120 inch smart TV and Bluetooth speakers. The surfaces were devoid of any clutter with everything tidied away in floor to ceiling closets that weren't immediately distinguishable from the walls. A sparse number of decorations supported the austere theme. It was, without a doubt, a penthouse bachelor pad.

Noah was still at the Underground and was due back in the next half hour, so she popped the dinner to warm in the oven and headed for the shower as if that would somehow cleanse her of the afternoon she'd had.

Stepping under the hot spray, she welcomed the warm water on her chest, easing the ache in her heart. She'd never meant for things to get so complicated. It had all gotten away from her somehow. She flashed to Mariah's hand in hers, pulling her along the narrow dirt path towards the car, her choked goodbye, her eyes wide and tear washed as she said it. Normally they were hazel but at that moment they were almost green as if the sadness in them had changed their colour.

"Go." Mariah had said with decisiveness. Tessa had complied and driven away, her mind so full she didn't know what feeling, though or sensation to focus on, they were so jumbled up.

She pulled on her PJ's and Noah's dressing gown emerging from the bedroom as she heard him enter.

"Hey." she said and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a kiss. She pulled back to study his face. "I hope you're not still mad at me."

The previous night's argument still hung in the air between them, his accusatory voice still ringing in her ear, his anger still broiling in the pit of her stomach.

"Just next time tell me. Okay? I want you to share what's going on with you" He said and his impassive face softened. Tessa felt a wave of relief.

"I will."

"Good." He said, stepping away to remove his jacket and shoes. "Is that Chinese I smell?"

"Sweet and sour pork and mixed vegetables. Sound good?"

They ate at the dinner table, side by side on the bench and Tessa asked about his day at work. A view of the city spread out before them, the lights from buildings, street lamps and the traffic below. It wasn't the stars that could be seen from Sharon's but it held its own beauty. As she looked out she was struck with how insignificant she was in the largeness of Genoa City with it's millions of inhabitants, how detached and freewheeling she felt, like she was missing any tether to this cold and strange city all the way up here on the 30th floor. It felt terribly lonely.

"Hey, you okay?" Noah asked, "You kinda went quiet."

Tessa looked to him and smiled.

"Sorry, a possible song concept just jumped into my head."

"Oh yeah, what about?"

Tessa slid closer to Noah until their thighs touched, wanting some kind of human contact.

"About what home is."

She laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Sounds appropriate given you've just moved in."

"Yeah." she said after a beat.

They finished eating and moved to the couch. Noah was sensitive to her mood. She could feel him looking at her and when she looked back, he had a look on his face, like maybe he knew who she was thinking of. She did her best to be cheerful and present cuddling up to him, enjoying the solid warmth of a body next to hers and the protective way she was held. These simple things meant the world to her because she'd never thought she'd ever have them, not like this. It felt nice. This was how it was supposed to be, right?

But still she found she wasn't really watching Stranger Things. Her mind was still so full that it didn't have space to process all it contained and it kept short circuiting on Mariah telling her they couldn't be friends.

She hadn't really meant that, had she?

She checked her phone but there were no messages.

"Hey," Noah asked when Tessa had looked at her phone half a dozen times. "you expecting a call or something?"

"Oh, no, sorry, bad habit."

"I thought you loved this show. I've been waiting for you to watch it."

"Oh I do, I guess I'm just tired tonight. I haven't been sleeping so well."

"Okay." he said and switched the TV off. He looked seriously at the screen gone blank and then at her. "Too tired for this?" He asked as he pulled Tessa into his lap and kissed her deeply. She didn't particularly feel in the mood but she responded anyway, letting him guide her to the bedroom. They were lying on the bed, Noah's hands felt possessive on her body. He pulled back his dark eyes searching hers before crashing their mouths together again. There was an edge to him, it felt a little desperate, like he wanted to consume her.

"Noah..." she said, squirming a little.

"Forget her" he mumbled.

Tessa pushed him away.

"What was that?!"

He seemed to realise what he'd said and his mouth worked to come up with something.

"Why would you say something like that?"

"I'm sorry, Tessa..."

Tessa shimmied out from under him, looking at him with incredulity before climbing under the covers and turning to face away.

"Tessa! I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me..."

"I get that you're upset about what happened, Noah. But really?"

"I'm sorry!"

He placed a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

"Tessa, it was an accident, I didn't mean to..." he tried again, but she remained silent. "Please talk to me."

Her jaw was clenched, her back stiff as his words hummed in her brain. When it became clear he wasn't getting any further response from her, she felt him shift, hearing the sound of the zipper of his jeans as he took them off before he slipped under the covers and switched the lights off. They lay in the dark for a moment as Tessa's eyes adjusted to the dark.

"I guess the issue for me is that you didn't say anything to me."

"I didn't know what to say without making things awkward, Noah. It's your sister. What was I supposed to do?"

"And you're my girlfriend, right? I would assume that you'd tell me but instead it feels like this was some kind of, of …dirty secret. And so I can't help feeling like it meant something to you because why else wouldn't you tell me?"

"I told you, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you and Mariah to have any issues! Why can't you see what an awkward place that was for me?"

"Why can't you see that it's again a matter of you sharing something with her and not with me. You tell her your secrets but not me! Why is that, Tessa? And then you don't tell me that she has feelings for you and that she kissed you!? Don't you see what that might look like?"

Tessa turned over. She could just make him out, on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Like I told you yesterday, she's my best friend, Noah. I've never had a best friend like her before and she hasn't either. I just think that she's gotten confused about our relationship and it'll die down."

"Do you feel the same way? Are you attracted to her?"

"Why are you even asking me this!?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what is going on between you and Mariah."

Tessa huffed and turned back over.

"Nothing. Is. Going. On." she said tightly, "besides you don't need to worry about her feelings for me or my feelings for her because she told me today she can't be friends any more."

"She said what?"

"She told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore."

"You saw her?"

"Noah! I just told you that my best friend told me we can't be friends anymore and you're worried about if I saw her or not? I thought you'd be happy about that!"

"Tessa," he said with a frustrated sigh, "I'm just trying to understand this whole thing."

"Okay then. Yes, I saw her today, to ask her why she told you because I hate that this is driving a wedge between us. She said that she wants to do the right thing and that we can't be friends anymore. Neither of us are trying to hurt you, Noah, we're doing the exact opposite. And I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I'm sorry if I didn't say anything but I've also just lost the best friend I've ever had, okay?" Tessa hoped that he didn't catch the tremble in her voice "I'm with you, Noah."

There was a long silence in the charged atmosphere of the bedroom before Noah finally said. "Okay."


	7. Chapter 7

_So lol, I get it, I'm doing to you what is happening on the show. a complete lack of Teriah interaction again. It won't be nearly as drawn out as the actual show thought! Happy holidays and hope you're all safe and well!_

 _XxX_

Sleep; elusive, sliding between the cracks of her mind, into the recesses where she couldn't fish it out. She toed the line of dream and awake. Here thoughts morphed into strange, half conceived scenarios that fanned out into quantum space before snapping back to her body in the bed and her mind whirring at speeds she didn't know how to stop.

Noah was breathing rhythmically next to her. She hated that they'd argued again and it grated against her sensitive nerves. She couldn't fuck this up. She couldn't fuck this up. It was already so fucked up.

Crystal would get this. She'd roll her eyes and tell her she was being a looser and then laugh and hug her. She wished she could call her now. It was all for her, really. It had always been for her. This was the most stable she'd ever been. She had money in the bank, a place to live, a serious boyfriend, a music deal. It was happening, just like they had dreamed so many times, lying under the Red Maple tree at McKinley Park, daydreaming of how they would make it out of where they were.

They had moved a lot. Usually an eviction for lapsing on rent. Her dad was too busy drinking their money at the bar and her mum was too busy getting high. Alcohol meant bruises and long sleeves were part of her childhood, but she was proud of that because it meant that he'd probably not laid a hand on Crystal that night with his thick fists, beer breath and blood-shot eyes. With the moving came new schools to navigate and by the time she was making the half hour commute from the edge of Gage Park to Kelly High school, Tessa had given up trying to make friends. Instead she was busy working after school and on the weekends at the diner down the road to make sure they made rent so they could stay put. She learned how to hone her smile, softness and that edge of vulnerability she possessed to charm tips from the patrons. And when she wasn't doing that, she was playing her music. In the diner, in bars, on the street, it didn't much matter to her. This was her escape and her solace. It was the crucible through which she funneled her emotions. With it she transmuted her anger, pain and hope into music.

And now, here it all was, this big, bright, shiny start in Genoa City just like she and Crystal had wanted. She didn't know how she lucked out to end up where she was, how it came to be that, for once, fortune had smiled down on her. She was so unaccustomed to any of this, that she half believed that it was just an elaborate trick being played on her and that it would disappear, that she'd end up homeless again with a sister still in a prostitution ring, friendless and with the remnants of her dreams blown to dust by the big bad wolf of her nightmares. Already she could feel the small measure of safety she lived in eroding away and her helpless to stop it, snatched by a few words from a red-headed girl whose eyes sparkled with emotion when she looked at her. She felt herself clutching on to what was left, like a reflex.

Eventually she gave up trying to sleep. She padded to the living room and picked up her notebook to write.

XxXx

She felt weepy at unexpected moments. Over cereal, at the gym on her yoga mat or at a silly cat video on YouTube. When she wasn't weepy she was irritable. She was reverting to wearing black with her black leather jacket and black nail polish because anything else aggravated her and while she did her best to not take it out on Noah, he felt it all the same and was being so sweet it made her want to scream. The recurring daydream was of her turning up at Mariah's work or at the ranch... but then her mind would short circuit on what would come next. A couple of days more and she still had a lump in her throat that had stubbornly lodged itself there. No messages. Not even one.

She was due to go into the studio so she'd stopped by Crimson Lights for a tea before heading over. It was ridiculous to expect Mairah to be there since she'd be at work but her eyes roamed around the room just the same. Was she glad that she wasn't there?

She smiled when Sharon spotted her.

"Oh, Tessa, hey." she said as she wiped down the counter top. She was, as ever, immaculately made up with her shiny blond hair and an off the shoulder knitted top that showed still summer kissed shoulders.

"Hi, Sharon."

"I haven't seen you in a while!"

"Yeah, not since I moved out."

"Indeed." Sharon said. "Hope that is going well."

"Oh, it is." Tessa said, "it's going great."

"Good," she said "Noah seems happy about it too and I want him to be happy."

Sharon said this while looking squarely at her, with a little too much weight for it to just be a casual comment.

"Me too," she said

Sharon took a moment before nodding.

"What can I get you?"

"A peppermint tea."

"No coffee?"

"No, have to nurture the vocal chords. I have to sing a few new songs I've been working on to Devon and then I'm meeting some musicians who might help lay down the tracks for my EP!"

"Sounds exciting!"

"I'm a bit nervous, my stomach is churning. So hence peppermint tea."

"You'll be amazing, Tessa. I know it."

"Thanks."

Sharon had a take-away cup in her hand and was pouring in some hot water before pulling out a teabag filter and spooning in some loose leaves from a tin.

"So Devon..." Sharon continued as she dipped the teabag in, folding the top edge over the rim and closing the lid to secure into place. She looked up as she slid the cup over. "What happened there?"

Sharon was trying to sound conversational and almost succeeding. Tessa wrapped her hand around the cardboard sleeve of her drink, the transferred heat warming her fingers. Her s fluttered uncomfortably.

"Wh, what about it?"

"Seemed a bit sudden, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it did."

"From what Mariah had been saying things were going well and then she's doesn't get out of bed for a few days and then suddenly they've broken up and she's not saying much but she's clearly cut up about it because I come home to find her sobbing on the couch. I've never seen her this distraught before."

"I don't know what to tell you." Tessa said, shifting on the spot, the uncomfortable image of Mariah, her head in her hands and sobbing, crystal clear in her mind's eye.

"I'm not asking you to divulge anything she wants to keep private, I'm just worried about her, is all. Genuinely worried. Is there more to the story?"

"I, uh - "

"Did Devon do something to her? "

"Oh god, no! No, he didn't do anything bad."

"Oh good." Sharon sighed. "Good. I thought it was a bit of a streatch, but when she made that abrupt decision to go and see Kevin in Portland, I - "

"Wait, she's in Portland?"

Sharon frowned.

"You mean to say you didn't know?"

"I, uh. No I didn't."

"That's really odd. I just assumed that she tells you everything. She left a couple of days ago and couldn't tell me when she'd be back."

"Oh."

"She doesn't even have a return ticket."

It felt like the air had been punched out of her. She pulled a stool towards her and sat down.

"So, she's just gone?" she whispered

"Are you okay, Tessa?"

"Yeah, I am, I'm fine" she said regaining her voice, "I just..uh, I have to get going, I don't want to be late." She stood up and dropped a few bills on the counter. "I'll see you."

XxX

What she wanted to do was call her but she didn't. What would she say? Hey Mariah, I know we're not friends any more but why did you go? When will you be coming back? Will you?

She didn't have the right to ask any of those things.

Glancing for traffic, she opened the driver's door to her car with its rust spots and chipped paint. The door creaked shut and she grasped the steering wheel. This was ridiculous. Mariah needed time away and that was fair, that was understandable. She should be glad because now she didn't have to worry about accidentally running into her at Crimson Lights or the Underground or...

She was crying again! Jesus! She wiped them angrily away. Why couldn't she get a grip on this? Mariah was her friend, Noah was her boyfriend. That's what she'd decided, it was what she wanted. She needed to pull herself together. A quick check of her makeup in the mirror and she turned the car on.

She got to the studio on time and Devon picked her up from reception where she sat in the sofa, bouncing her leg up and down, her twisting the cardboard sleeve of her half drunk tea. When he arrived, she stood so quickly, she felt dizzy and had to sit down.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." she said with her head between her legs and glad she could hide the red flush of embarrassment crawling up her neck. He then ushered her down the hall. It was the first time they'd seen each other since he and Mariah had split up when she'd rushed back into the Underground following Mariah's abrupt departure, the kiss seared in her mind, and had given Devon a brief, guilty goodbye before following Mariah to the ranch.

She studied the carpet as they walked down the corridor stopping in front of the studio door.

"Tessa," he said, his had resting lightly on the door knob, "Look, I know it might feel a bit weird but don't worry. Just because you're Mariah's friend, doesn't mean our relationship is going to suffer."

"Okay, yeah, of course, I wasn't, I mean, I figured..."

"It's okay, Tessa.

She smiled ruefully

" … I was just being stupid." she said.

And she felt stupid. Waiting for him she'd half expected him to announce that her contract was terminated despite knowing Devon enough to know he wasn't petty.

He smiled at her and twisted the knob and they entered into a large asymmetrical room with slanted ceiling. The floor was made from a a polished hardwood, the walls were covered in frames of jagged grey foam to absorb the echoes. It was heavily insulated so it was quiet in there, quiet enough that the sound of nothing could start to reverberate in the inner ear when sat long enough. The room was set up for a band with a drum kit on a square of carpet, a couple of electric guitars, a bass guitar and a piano. One wall was almost entirely made up of glass that looked into the mixing station. Stephane, the sound engineer from her last recording session, was sitting there. Tessa waved to him and he smiled before returning to his console. She busied herself removing her guitar from it's case, the click of her hard case loud and metallic.

"Okay, Tessa," Devon said, "If you don't mind plugging yourself in and singing into the mic, I'm just going to hop out there with Stephan."

Tessa frowned, "Oh."

"I just figure you get nervous and I thought it might help if you felt like you alone."

"Thanks, Devon." she said, touched by his thoughtfulness. Now that she thought about it, it did make her feel better. He winked at her and slid out the door.

She settled herself on the stool behind a mic, putting on the earphones and glancing to the window. Devon gave her the thumbs up.

"Take your time. Warm up. I'm just having a coffee, whenever you're ready." said his voice in her ear.

"Yeah, I might just do a few warm ups if you don't mind."

"Be my guest."

She hummed and picked through a few scales and moved into some chord progressions until she found herself improvising the chords of one of the songs she was going to present to him. She fell into the rhythm and let the music guide her in, repeating the notes a few times. This song had been born in the late hours of night, chased by sleepless nightmares and a kernel of anger about things she couldn't acknowledge in the light of day. The shadows of Noah apartment had cast ghostly lines on the high ceiling from the moon. The world had been in black and white like the black ink on the white page of her lyrics book.

 _I see the carnage you left behind,_

 _They're crawling to you and so am I,_

 _I see destruction when I look behind,_

 _I won't look back I'm hypnotized_

 _You got me with those eyes._

 _I see the fallen and the damned_

 _They're reaching to you with broken hand_

 _I see the ocean, I feel the tide,_

 _I can't hold on, I feel lost inside_

 _You got me with those eyes..._

This is what she loved the most. To find expression for all the muddied things swirling inside her. It was like nothing was real until she could sing it. It was like she could find words for what was happening inside of her.

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

 _Pull me in and then kick me down_

 _You take a bite and spite me out_

 _I dont' want empty, I don't want shame_

 _I just want heaven, I don't want blame_

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

 _I don't know if I should follow you_

 _I don't know if I should follow you_

 _I know, I know you're going to swallow me whole_

 _I know, I know you're going to swallow me whole_

 _You got me with those eyes..._

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now_

She'd started started softer and built to a crescendo. Part of her had been aware of Devon and Stephan in the booth but she'd been determined to stay focused and as she'd caught the emotion of it, she could feel that it was working and she was so relieved. She refused to have a repeat of her first time in the studio. Devon had been kind but she didn't want to be that artist who couldn't handle herself.

She took a couple of deep breaths. The music had transported her and she was unaware of the change it wrought in her, how she seemed to spill out of herself into the space and how, with the last note of the guitar, she seemed to shrink back down to her own size. Her shoulders sloped back into their usual posture and it was a moment before she dared a look at the window. Devon was smiling ear to ear.

"Tessa, I love it." he said, into the mic, "You said you just wrote this a few days ago?"

"Yeah. I mean that's just an acoustic version of it, I'm imagining it to have a proper band arrangement.."

"Of course, it's a real power song, and the guts of it is excellent. I have a some ideas for refining it but I'm impressed with how polished it is given that you've just written it."

"Thanks." Tessa said softly

"It'll makes a great counter point to the more upbeat tempo of 'With Me'."

"Thanks." Tessa said again.

"Now stop blushing at me, Tessa, I'm only saying what is earned. Let me hear your next song."

Tessa shook her head slipped off the stool to pick up the tea she'd placed by her bag and took a sip. She felt like she was getting better at taking compliments in the time since she arrived at Genoa City but generally she didn't know what do. She wasn't accustomed to receiving them and when she did, she questioned if they were genuine, usually in the form of 'you're just saying that' or 'do you really mean it?' until Mariah had huffed at her one evening, told her to stop second guessing people's motives and just say thank you.

The rest of the session went well. The three other songs she had were in various stages of the development process but she demo'ed what she had and by the end she felt good.

By the time Tessa was ready to leave the studio, she was in a better mood than she'd been in for weeks. Devon had introduced her to some muscians and she was thrilled to be working with some serious musical talent and they were due to start work shopping the songs the following week. Devon seemed genuinely pleased with what she was bringing to the table and she felt like she needed to pinch herself that it was all actually happening. Here she was in this amazing studio, working on her music and this is what was paying her bills. How could this even be real?

"So I want you to have a meeting with our marketing manager, Priya. We need to discuss your brand and a promotion strategy. We've already got a few songs that could make it onto your EP, we've already released some songs to our streaming service, but I want to start building your profile, which will mean doing social media, getting a press pack together, doing some interview and so on."

"Uh, sure?" Tessa said.

"Don't look so worried, Tessa, we'll be guiding you every step of the way. This is all part of it!"

Devon accompanied her to the reception and she'd made her goodbyes and had turned to walk out the door.

"Tessa?"

"Yeah?" She said turning around to look at him.

"I hope Mariah is doing okay." He said.

"I think she's doing okay." she said "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two."

Devon smiled sadly, "I think she was just being more honest than I was. I admire that."

"Yeah" Tessa said. "She's good at being honest."


	8. Chapter 8

Winter was wrapping itself around Genoa city. The last of the autumn leaves were dropping and the days were getting shorter. Daylight savings ended, night began to fall swiftly around 5.00pm and the wind was biting through the layers of clothing. October unfolded and Tessa was busy with her music. Her life was taking on a certain calm domesticity she'd never known before. She went to the gym, she went to the studio, in the evenings she came home to Noah, sometimes she went to the Underground and hung out there. She felt safe. For the first time in a very long time she felt safe. This is what happiness must feel like, she told herself.

October gave way to November. In the back of her mind the though of Mariah was a constant presence. She wondered how she was doing. What she was doing. She imagined her going down to the Willamette river with Kevin, while his daughter, Bella, held their hands, swinging between them as they walked. Mariah had told her about Kevin, how they'd tried and failed to work as a couple but still she saw this image of a little family. Kevin would say something and Mariah would laugh. Bella would run ahead and Mariah and Kevin would draw together until their hands brushed. It would only be natural that their fingers twine together... These thoughts followed her as she went to the studio to rehearse, as she recorded her vocals in the recording booth, as she took lessons with her vocal coach or as she sat with Priya, planning her promotion strategy.

"So we have you scheduled for the Hilary Hour tomorrow," Priya was saying, "and then we have an interview straight after with the magazine Genoa Beat. That's a real coo, Tessa, getting a big publication like that to do a piece on you will do wonders for the upcoming release of your EP."

"I'm so nervous!" Tessa exclaimed.

"Don't be. We've got your final wardrobe fitting later today, you'll look amazing and then tomorrow, I"ll be with you the whole time."

"Thank god because otherwise I don't know what I would do."

Priya was the in house PR representatives for the label. She was a savy woman with over a decade experience, who dressed in sharpsuits but was practical enough to wear flats instead of heels because "I run around too much to kill my feet." she'd told Tessa over a working lunch. She had a solid calming influence that Tessa appreciated immediately given her tendency towards anxiety and in her hand, she'd felt a great deal safer about making those first steps into the public came away from the wardrobe fitting later that afternoon, pleased with the style they'd come up with. It was edgy, cool, a little sexy and exactly the vibe she wanted.

She drove down the highway, the engine of her car whirring furiously against the sharp cold outside. The day was concrete grey, threatening snow or rain, it wasn't quite clear. As she parked her car around the corner from the Underground, wet flakes of snow had began to fall and by the time she'd walked to the side entrance of the club, the snow was falling in earnest. Tessa paused and instead of opening up the door, she walked down the alleyway, across the street and sat down on the bench that looked onto a small green space. The snow flakes were whirling in flurries and she caught a few in her gloved hand and watched them melt. There was something about being a lone figure on a bench with thick snow falling that made her want to write poetry.

"Tessa! What are you doing out in the cold?"

Tessa turned to see Noah.

"Hey." she said and patted the bench next to her and looked back to the snowflakes.

"Don't you want to come inside?" he asked.

"Have you ever seen the snow crystals photographed by Masaru Emoto?" Tessa asked

"Uh. No. I haven't."

"They're beautiful. He would say different things to different bottles of water. Like I love you or I hate you or play beautiful music. Then he would freeze the water and as it melted, he'd photogrpah the crystals."

"Um, okay..."

"And the water that had heard beautiful music, or had been told 'I love you' made beautiful symmetrical crystals. The other's didn't."

Noah was looking hard at her. "Okay..."

"Don't you think that's amazing?"

"Um. It sounds … interesting, for sure." he said, " I'm not quite sure why that has you sitting out here."

Tessa looked at him and then looked away, dissatisfied with his answer and said nothing.

"Well I have to go and start opening up." He said after a pause. "Come inside?"

"I think I'll stay a bit longer." she said

"Okay. But don't freeze to death, okay?"

She watched him go before turning back to the snow. The ground was quickly cooling and the edges of the pathway were beginning to turn white. She hoped it would snow enough to cover the ground and that it would be cold enough to stick around until morning.

XxX

Her call time was 12 pm and she'd spent most of the morning fretting. This was her first official interview and on TV no less! With Hilary Curtis! She was frankly surprised that the woman had agreed to have her on the show. Their exchanges had always been charged with animosity, primarily because of Hilary's behaviour to Mariah and although she didn't for a second regret defending Mariah, she didn't regret how that might now flavour things.

"It's important to make a good impression." Priya emphasized while the waited in the dressing room. "People have heard your music on the streaming service but up until now, they've not see you apart from a few insta photos. This will be their first proper contact with you."

Tessa picked up her guitar and settled it on her thigh, making micro adjustments to the tuning for the third time.

"So do you want to go over your answers to their questions again?"

"Uh, no I think I"m fine. I've been rehearsing all morning."

"Good. Okay, well stay on script and you'll be fine." Priya picked up her bag and buttoned her coat. "I'm just dashing out to grab a coffee and something to eat. Want anything?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

"They should be calling you in for a soundcheck any minute and then into makeup. Call me if you need anything. I'll be back before the show."

"Okay. Sure."

Priya exited and Tessa shivered. She stalked around the room and began to hum low, slowly increasing the pitch until she reached a peak before scaling all the way back down. She did this a few times, stretching the high and low notes further out each time. She continued with some scales, lips, tongue and teeth exercises and then jumped up and down to release the tension she could feel in her shoulders and chest. She was picking her way through scales on the guitar and singing along when the AD knocked on the door. She was escorted to the Hilary Hour set, people milling around, camera's being moved, lights being adjusted. On a small stage to the right of the anchor desk, a microphone was set up with a guitar plugin. She sang a few shaky notes and strummed a few chords over the backing track. Adjustments were made until the techi gave the thumbs up and then she was escorted to hair and makeup. She arrived to hear Hilary's voice.

"Fix it!" she was snapping, " How hard is it to make both eye's even?" The girl furtively apologised a few times and picked up the liquid eyeliner.

Tessa slid into the chair the AD pointed out to her. She watched the girl's shaking hand rise up to fix her mistake but Hilary swatted her hand away with an exasperated sigh.

"You'll only make it worse." she said. "Zoey! Come here, you finish this."

An older woman appeared from the adjacent room. She spoke softly to the girl who had now moved away, her head bowed and was busy cleaning up her station.

Tessa bit her tongue at the urge to reference broomsticks and Wicked Witches. It wasn't the time.

Another minute and Hilary was sliding out of the chair.

"Tessa." She said looking Tessa up and down. If she approved or not of Tessa's stylistic choice was not clear from her expression, but Tessa could only assume she was found lacking.

"I'll see you on set in less than an hour. Look forward to our little chat." she said. The enunciation on the 't' of chat gave a particularly ominous tone to the words. Tessa gave her a tight smile and the slow uneasiness of her stomach erupted into something more.

XxX

She'd done deep breathing, she'd shaken it out. She'd warmed up again and practiced more of her responses to the interview. Then she paced. Ten minutes before showtime, she was being escorted by the AD to the stage, her guitar clutched in her hand. She could do this. She and Priya entered onto set with three cameras set up on tracking dollys and... Tessa stopped dead in her tracks. There, sitting at the anchor table next to Hilary, fussing with her lapel mic, was Mariah. As if sensing her entrance, Mariah looked up and went still too. Tessa's heart had already been beating hard but it took another leap and it was thundering so hard against her rib cage it made her a little breathless. She'd been told that Mariah was still in Portland. Only a couple of days ago she'd seen Sharon at Crimson Lights when she'd gone to grab a coffee and Sharon had said that Mariah still hadn't bought a return ticket, in her mind Mariah was still walking by the river, laughing at some inside joke Kevin had said, their hands intertwined.

And now here she was, like an apparition, waves of aurbun hair framing an unreadable porcelain face, hazel eyes reaching over the distance between them, burning her with their gaze and shattering all of Tessa's careful preparation. No, dammit!

Before Tessa could get out anything more than a fluted 'Hi', she was being escorted to the stage by the AD, plugging in her guitar and doing a final sound check. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. Shit.

"Tessa. You okay?" Priya asked.

"I'm fine... I..."

Priya placed a hand on each arm.

"Look at me."

Tessa opened her eyes.

"You're okay. Repeat after me. I'm okay."

"I'm okay."

"No, again, with me, I'm okay."

"I'm okay."

"Again. Really feel it. I'm okay."

"I'm okay."

"Good. Now. How do you feel?"

Tessa took a breath. Her heart had slowed a measure.

"I feel...better."

"Perfect. You can do this." Priya released her arms and stepped back. "Knock 'em dead."

"Thank you."

Priya smiled and moved behind the cameras.

"Two minutes to go!" someone shouted and people were scurrying to their spots. Mariah was getting a last minute makeup check before swiveling around to face the camera with the large teleprompter below it.

"And we're live in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6..." the AD was calling out, her hands counting down the five final seconds in silence as the intro music started.

"Hello, I'm Hilary Curtis..."

" I'm Mariah Copeland..."

" And welcome to the Hilary Hour."

" Coming up we are interviewing the latest online streaming sensation, Tessa Porter..."

" And then we have all the juicy celeb gossip that you've come to expect from Genoa City. But first, my busy buzzy bees. She has skyrocketed from obscurity in the last couple of months to become our local online streaming service, Mousik's top artist. She's already released three singles and is about to release her first EP in time for Christmas, but until now, she has remained a mystery to her fans so we had to remedy that, didn't we Mariah."

"Yes, we are going to discover who Tessa Porter is."

"But before we do that, we have for you an exclusive preview of her latest single."

The light on the camera facing Hilary and Mariah flicked off one of the two facing her came on. This was her cue. The backing track started, she played her guitar and she began to sing.


	9. Chapter 9

Tessa could feel the delicate edge she was on, how tenuous the control over her voice was. Her fingers were clammy. She was desperately aware of Mariah sitting in that damned anchor chair, watching her, listening to this song, these lyrics.

What was she thinking?

Her legs trembled. She stood stronger, tightening her trapezius muscles to support her lungs. Her body knew this song, she told herself, they'd spent days laying down the vocal and instrumental tracks. She closed her eyes and willed herself to refocus.

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

 _And it feel like I'm digging my own grave_

 _is it heaven, is it safe, I know_

As she squared her shoulders, she reached down into herself, to the part of her that was immutable. The part of her that had faced a classroom of strangers every time she moved school, that had worked till her hands were raw from dirty dishwater so that she and Crystal could eat, that had faced her father down when he came home drunk, but not drunk enough to be harmless. She opened her eyes and let the music weave it's way around her.

 _...You got me, you got me where you want me_

 _You got me, you got me where you want me now._

Tessa sang the final phrase of the song. She stepped back from the mic and let out a big breath. She'd done it. She had got through the song with the camera's on her and Mariah in the Anchor chair. A smile crack across her face, she put down her guitar and walked over to the guest chair they had waiting for her. She watched Mariah as she approached.. She was was busy shuffling the papers on her desk.

"Tessa Porter with her latest single, Digging My Own Grave." Hilary announced to the camera. "So, Tessa. You've exploded from obscurity. You are dating Noah Newman, of Genoa's most prominent family and owner of the Underground, where you were discovered by Devon Hamilton at an open mic night and became Mousik's first signed artist for the streaming service. But aside from these facts, we know next to nothing about you and my buzzy bees have been getting curious. Tell me. Where did you emerge from?"

"Well, I was born and raised in some of the rougher parts of Chicago with my sister, Crystal..."

Tessa rattled off the answers she'd prepared. Where she grew up. How she got into music. Her musical influences. What inspired her writing.

"So you write from personal experience?" Hilary asked.

"Yes. The majority of my music comes from situations in my own life."

"Like your first single, 'With Me'."

"Yes."

"Tell me, Tessa. What inspired that song?"

For a moment, Tessa dithered. She had the answer already planned out but her eyes drifted to Mariah and the answer withered on her tongue. Her. It was inspired by the woman on the other side of the table who had sat there without saying a word and an expression that made her seem so different to the person Tessa knew she was.

Hilary briefly turned to look at Mariah and then back to Tessa. The smile that grew on her face may have intended to be reassuring but Tessa thought it looked more like a self satisfied smirk.

"I know this is a difficult subject for you, Tessa. Take your time."

"That song was about my younger sister."

She saw Mariah shift in her seat and purse her lips into a brief, thin line.

"Go on." Hilary was saying.

"She got into a bad situation with some people who were taking advantage of her."

"I understand this is to do with the sex traffiking ring that has been in the news recently."

"Yes, that's right. But she's safe now and she's in witness protection but the people behind it are still at large. I'm hoping that there will be a break in the case soon – we just need one good tip, a piece of evidence to take the ring down and stop them from doing the same thing to other girls."

"Indeed and knowing my buzzy bees, if there is any evidence to be found, they will find it." Hilary turned to the camera "For more information on the sex trafficking ring or if you have any information go to the Hilary Hour website or you can call it in to the number listed on your screen and help bring Tessa's sister home. So," Hilary continued, turning back, "I'm curious, Tessa, when you sing the lyrics from your first sing, With Me:

 _When I'm at my worst  
In the harshest night  
I know you're with me  
Even when it hurts,  
And I want to hide  
I know you're with me_

That doesn't sound like you're singing to your sister."

Tessa was taken aback. That hadn't been part of the submitted questions. She looked at Mariah instinctively whose head had snapped to look at Hilary and then looked back to Tessa.

"Uh, well..."

"Let me guess." Hilary said a wicked smile growing, "It's about your boyfriend, Noah Newman. He must have been such a great support though all of this..."

The thought of playing along with that interpretation flashed across her mind. It would be simpler. But Mariah was sat there and no matter how confused their relationship had become, she couldn't do that to her, it felt too much like betrayal.

"I mean, he has been but, um, actually, it was about a friend..."

She couldn't tell what had been the trap. Was it agreeing that Noah had been the inspiration of the song or was it revealing it was someone else?

"Ah, a friend. How very cryptic of you, Tessa. What a shame. I had hoped that it was written for Noah. What a romantic gesture that would have been. And the perfect way to ingratiate yourself into the Newman empire," she said and turned to Mariah, the tone of her voice dropping a few notes, "don't you think?"

Tessa tried to laugh it off as her fingers gripped the side of her seat, as she caught Hilary's intention. The deliberate looks she was giving Mariah, the smile, the tone of her voice.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Hilary."

Mariah had said that Hilary had an uncanny nack for snifffing out gossip. Hilary would be practically crowing if she managed to convincingly insinuate Noah's sister and the co-anchor to the Hilary Hour had something going on with her while she was attached to the grandson of the most powerful man in Genoa city. From the deliberate way in which she was guiding this conversation, it seemed to be exactly what she was aiming for.

"And I'm guessing that the song you sang just now equally isn't about Noah."

"No." said Tessa through gritted teeth.

"Phew, otherwise I'd be wondering if your relationship was in trouble!" Hilary exclaimed, "I wonder who that could be about then, the same friend?"

As she said that she turned to Mariah again as if to casually include her co-host in this line of questioning and when she turned back to Tessa, she surveyed her with dark eyes, waiting for her to say something. She held the moment long enough that the silence became uncomfortable.

"And that will have to be a question for another time, as it seems we have reached the end of our time!" Mariah announced into the dead air

"Yes." Hilary said, turning back to the camera with oiled ease. "So in lieu of an answer, feel free to speculate about this and more in the Hilary Hour chat room. Tessa Porter, thank you for gracing us with your music and for this fascinating insight into who you are and what inspires you. I am Hilary Curtis..."

"... and I am Mariah Copeland..."

" and until tomorrow - keep on buzzing."

"And cut!" called out the AD. The light on the camera switched off and the silence of the set erupted into activity. Tessa sat there for a moment her fingers still gripping her chair.

"Thank- you Tess -" Hilary started.

"How dare you!" Tessa exclaimed "How could you ambush me with those completely inappropriate questions!"

Hilary cocked her head. "I hardly think they were inappropriate."

"They weren't even part of the agreed upon list! You ambushed me in hopes of revealing I don't quite know what, trying to... to..."

"Exactly what did I try and reveal? Hmmm? It was an innocent question, born out of curiosity and we had a bit of time left. I happened to know that you write from personal experience and I was hoping to find out who inspired such a heartfelt homage for one song and such anger in your latest single. It was meant most innocently."

"You're a conniving witch, that's what you are." Tessa said, her voice rising as she stood up from her chair so abruptly that it squeaked as it was pushed back and teetered before regaining balance. "You've disliked me from the moment I made it clear I saw through you and so you used this situation to dig for some kind of salacious angle to smear me with."

"I didn't have to look for a salacious angle, Tessa. You provided that all on your own."

"You bitch." Tessa seethed.

"Tessa!" Mariah exclaimed rising from her chair where she'd been listening to the conversation spiral and moving around, placed a hand on Tessa's arm. "Come on, let me take you back to your dressing room."

Tessa continued to stare Hilary down until Mariah tugged at her arm and Tessa acquiesced. As they moved off set she realised that people had stopped and were staring at her and it felt like the anger coursing through her crashed in on itself. Fuck. Oh god. Oh god. She numbly allowed Mariah to guide her down the corridor, open the door and usher her in. The adrenaline was abating now and she felt her legs trembling.

"Here, sit down." Mariah said, guiding her to an armchiar. She walked to the mini bar and pulled out a water bottle, cracked it open, gave it to Tessa and then sat down on the couch. Tessa took a gulp of water.

"You okay?" Mariah asked after a moment.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm an idiot. I played right into that – that woman's trap. I should have expected something like this."

"She should never be underestimated when it comes to getting a story. Or getting her own back."

Tessa paused then, looking at Mariah, taking her in. The elegant powder blue lace dress that hugged the curve of her body. Her hair tumbling in auburn waves over her shoulders. Her eyes, today, were a deep transparent hazel. With the excitement of the performance, the interview, seeing Mariah so unexpectedly there, Tessa's mind had been a muddle and it wasn't until now sitting there and looking into those eyes, that she felt like she was finally back in her body.

"Thank you. For saving me out there." she said.

Mariah smiled and Tessa felt a wave of warmth move through her.

"You're welcome."

It felt so familiar and good to have her seated in front of her.

"I've missed you." Tessa said softly. In Mariah's eyes, she could see that she'd missed her too, it flashed across her face in a brief moment and just as quickly dissappeared, replaced with something more distant, more difficult to reach. Tessa wished she knew how to bring her back.

Mariah looked to the closed door and then back and she seemed poised to stand, like she wanted to escape.

"How... how was your trip to see Kevin?" Tessa ventured in an attempt to have her stay.

"Uh, fine. It was fine."

"I wasn't expecting to see you today, I thought you were still out there."

"Well," Mariah said with raised eyebrows, "what do you know, Hilary rang me up and said I had to be here for today's show or she'd fire me, regardless of her contractual agreement with Devon."

"I guess we know why." Tessa said.

"Yeah. I guess we do." Mariah said, pausing before picking up her phone, swiping a few times and then scrolling. She pursed her lips and shook her head before looking up at Tessa.

"It's not good." she said.

Tessa frowned, a creeping unease growing. "What?"

Mariah handed over her phone, open to the GC Buzz app. Tessa scrolling through the comments from the chat room.

"Shit." she said her hand rising to her mouth.

 _...Could cut the tension with a knife! I'll bet anything Tessa wrote that song for Mariah!..._

 _...Did you notice those looks between the two girls? My spidey senses are tingling..._

… _OMG! Yaaaaas! I knew Mariah was family, and damn, they are both so hot, they make a perfect couple..._

… _Hilary knows what's up with those two, how often has she been wrong?..._

… _Isn't Noah Newman Mariah's half sister. Shit about to get real..._

"Fuck!" she said as she saw more messages ping up, like an avalanche gaining momentum. She buried her head in her hands. "This can't be happening. I should have known better than to come on the Hilary Hour..."

"Hey." Mariah said gently pulling Tessa's hands away and looking at her earnestly, "you didn't suspect anything because you'd never do something like that yourself."

"Only I did suspect something but I guess I want this singing thing to work out so much, I ignored my better judgement. I should know better by now."

"Never apologise for looking for the best in people, Tessa."

Tessa smiled. Her hands were resting in Mariah's and she trailed her finger tips along the upturned palms.

"Thank-you." she said. Mariah had become still and she was looking at Tessa with a sort of nakedness that made Tessa's heart beat uncomfortably in her chest. The moment slowed. They sat, hands held, looking.

"That song..." Mariah started, "was Hilary right. Was it...about me...?"

It felt like her tongue was too thick for her mouth. Thoughts shot off in multiple directions, pinging on a multitude of answers and the scenarios they might elicit but before she could decide on any one answer, a knock made them jumped and retract their hands hastily to their own laps.

"Tessa?" came Priya's muffuled voice through the door.

"Come in!" Tessa called out. Mariah picked up her phone and rose as Priya entered. "Stay" she said to her, "I want you to stay."

Mariah smiled sadly at her.

"Nothing"s changed, Tessa."

She felt stupid. She'd hoped, for just a moment, that Maraih being there, so full of warmth and concern had meant something - a step towards each other. But it clearly did't.

"I'll see ya." Mariah murmured before making her escape.

"So," Priya said, holding out Tessa's guitar to her as the door clicked shut, "What happened out there?"

"Nothing. It was nothing." Tessa said and rose to gather her things, using the movement to distract herself from the image of Mariah standing in front of her, implacable and the sting of tears in her eyes. "We have an interview to get to, right?"


	10. Chapter 10

_I just want to say to those of you who have left comments, in particular to those who have regularly commented on this story, you are amazing, thank you, it's so appreciated!_

 _Also to say – yup, it's taking me waaaaay long to get to what I've been heading towards but somehow these characters keep needing extra beats and then I also mapped out a timescale for things that means that I've had to tread a bit of water to get them to where I want them to be. So do excuse that. With that in mind I've decided to post two chapters at once just so we can move forward a bit faster. Hopefully that won't bite me in the butt because I'm only a couple of chapters ahead in my writing!_

Priya prepped Tessa on the way to Restaurant West and they arrived with about five minutes to spare. Sasha from Genoa Beat was already seated at a table, tucked into a private corner with a glass of wine and a dictaphone on the table. She rose to shake their hands, her many bracelets jangling.

"I'll just head over to the bar and you let me know when the interview is done." Priya said and slipped away

Tessa turned to look at the woman in front of her. She looked to be a few years older. A black jacket over top of a flowing top, tight jeans, black boots. She had a number of stud piercings up her ear and wild hair that fell in tight black curls to her shoulders. She seemed to have rings on every finger, the silver standing out against the dark of her skin and a choker with a quartz crystal pendant that caught the light. She looked like she'd fit better in a hipster cafe than a five star hotel but there was an air of assurance about the way she sat angled into her chair, her legs casually crossed, like she was used to waiting staff in crisp white shirts and black bow ties and sommeliers recommending what wines to pair with a meal.

"Tessa." she said warmly, " It's a pleasure to be able to interview you today."

"Well I'm glad your magazine wants to do an article on me."

"Why would we not. With a story like yours, I know our readers will be fascinated."

"I guess because it's my story, I hardly see it as anything exceptional."

Sasha smiled and picked up the dictaphone.

"May I?" she asked.

Tessa nodded.

"I saw your interview today on the Hilary Hour."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Loved the song, loved the interview. I was thinking to expand on that. I was seeing a rags to riches kind of story, maybe with a bit of a twist. What do you say to that?"

"Sounds good." Tessa replied.

"Good." Sasha said with a smile. "But first, let's order something to eat. You must be starved."

XXXX

By the time Tessa got home, it was approaching eleven o'clock. After the first few questions, Tessa had relaxed and it had ended up feeling like a conversation with a friend more than interview. Sasha was had a disarming sense of humour and a quick wit Tessa enjoyed and paired with some wine, she found her answers pouring forth easily. At some point Priya had joined them, they drunk a few more glasses of wine and Tessa was grateful for that because it helped her forget the Hilary Hour for a while.

She jangled her keys feeling a warm buzz in her head as she arrived at the door and after a couple of attempts, managed to get the key into the lock. She slipped into the apartment and hopped around trying to get her shoes off. She straightened herself up and decided some water was in order so she padded to the kitchen. She saw Noah, then, sitting at the dining table and holding a beer as he looked out at the skyscraper view.

"Oh, hey Noah." she said fuzzily and came to sit beside him. She kissed him on the cheek and then furrowed her brow when he didn't respond except to take a swig of beer. "What's wrong?"

He rested the bottle on his knee, the fingernail of his index finger picking at the beer label.

"I saw your interview on the Hilary Hour." he said flatly.

"You did." she said and the uneasiness seeped through the cushion of alcohol.

"I called."

"I uh..." Tessa rummaged through her coat she still had on and pulled her phone out.

"I put it on flight mode for the show and then had to rush to the interview with Genoa Beat..."

She tapped the airplane icon and watched as a number of missed calls pinged up on the screen.

"I'm sorry, Noah." she said, placing a hand on his arm.

Noah just shook his head a little, his eyes still trained out the window. He took another swig, effectively displacing Tessa's hand. She withdrew it, pulling off her woolen hat instead and playing with it in her lap.

"So... what did you think?" she asked cautiously.

"Interesting." Noah said. "Illuminating, even."

"What do you mean?"

"Tessa. Please, don't." he said finally turning to look at her. He looked angry, but more than that, he looked hurt. His cheeks were flushed red and he clenched his jaw "I don't want us to play these games."

"I'm just asking what has got you upset, Noah."

"You're telling me you don't know?"

His tone was accusatory and sharp. Tessa felt herself bristle.

"Well I don't know, Noah. Maybe it was because Mariah was there and I didn't tell you. Maybe it was Hilary and her suggestive questions. Maybe it was because your name got mentioned. Maybe all of the above, maybe something else! But for the record I didn't know Mariah would be there, Hilary has it in for me and I did my best to make sure you and your family were not bought into question."

"Okay, I believe you." He said but he crossed his arms across his chest and his expression stayed the same

"But what, Noah."

He lifted the phone that was next to him. He switched it on and up popped a video.

"Look" he said.

He played the video. It was already queued to the part way through the interview.

" _Tell me, Tessa. What inspired that song?"_ said Hilary. The camera cut to close up of Tessa. It caught the hesitancy, the slight parting of her lips as she went to speak. It caught the movement of her eyes as it left Hilary's face and settled on Mariah and it caught the immediate softening of her eyes. The camera cut to a two-shot of Hilary and Mariah. Mariah who was looking at her with an intensity that was undeniable and Hilary who was turning to clock it. When the camera cut back to Tessa who was biting her lip then a slight nod before her eyes moved back to Hilary. A silent conversation had taken place in the matter of a few seconds and the camera had caught all of it.

Noah paused the video and regarded her.

"I don't know what you wanted me to see -"

"Don't." he interrupted. "This was just one of the moments where you were making eyes at her."

"I was doing no such thing!"

"Then what was that, Tessa?

"I looked at Mariah because Hilary asked who inspired the song and as you know...!"

Noah stood up and took the beer bottle to the sink. He put it down with a little too much force before turning around and leaning on the counter top.

"Noah. You have to stop this! I feel like ever since you found out about the kiss you are suspicious of me. Every time I check my phone, get a phone call, even when I'm distracted or in a bad mood, you are questioning my commitment to you!"

"Even strangers in the Hilary Hour chat room can feel what's happening between you two!"

"Hilary practically told them what to think because she gets a kick out of getting one over me! You're blowing this all out of proportion! I'm here. I'm with you. Why can't that be enough for you?"

"So tell me, Tessa. Who was Digging my Own Grave about then?"

Her stomach leapt into her throat. He wouldn't understand. He'd take it all wrong, jump to the wrong conclusion.

"I'm too tired to argue right now, Noah. I'm going to bed."

She got up and moved towards the bedroom door.

"I'll sleep on the couch." Noah said.

"Fine." Tessa said.

She quickly washed her face, brushed her teeth and changed into her pajamas. She fell into bed feeling the extreme weariness steel over her but thirty minutes later and she was still awake. She grabbed her phone from the side table and tapped out:

 _Thank you for taking care of me today in spite of everything_

She pressed send and clicked the phone shut. It was hypocritical, she shouldn't be reaching out to Mariah but she couldn't help herself. She wasn't stupid. She didn't entirely blame Noah for his suspicions. Her feelings for Mariah were jumble of things and she'd replayed that kiss outside of the Underground and how swept up by it she'd been enough to know that her feelings weren't entirely platonic. Writing those songs about her were born from emotions that felt complex and too difficult to look at too closely because if she did... she knew that she'd have to face something she couldn't right now. She wasn't ready for it.

Her phone beeped at her with Mariah's response

 _You're welcome_

It was a response and Tessa was glad for that. It also didn't invite further conversation, giving nothing away about how Mariah was feeling towards her. Tessa felt a tugging in her chest, she wanted to reply anyway but she was already skirting far too close to a boundary that she knew she couldn't step over, not unless she wanted the house of cards she was living in to topple.

She tossed and turned for some time before she finally found sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

She awoke to the buzzing of her phone. It moved through foggy layers into her dream with insistence. Her hand reached out to the bedside table, clumsy fingers curling around the edge. She cracked her eyes open and then swiped to answer.

"Yes?" she croaked, pressing the phone to her ear.

"Tessa, when can you make it to my office?"

"Um, I … what time is it?"

"It's 9."

"Give me an hour?"

As she hung up she saw a message from Noah.

 _At Gym_ it said. She rolled out of bed and into the shower, half asleep and her head feeling heavy from the wine the night before. In the walk-in closet, her hands reached for her black jeans, her oversized black sweater before emerging from the bedroom to find a pillow, sheet and blanket folded neatly on the couch. The apartment fell large and empty and too quiet. She rubbed her temples as she headed to the kitchen, shoving a coffee capsule into the Nespresso and pulling the half and half cream from the fridge. Yesterday had been a day of such promise and now it felt like it had fallen flat, tripping over Hilary's sneaky questions and splattered, face down. She sipped her coffee and took some deep breaths, straightening her spine in an effort to gather herself but between the dull headache and her ruminations on the day before, her posture slumped back down moments later. She leaned against the counter cupping her mug and using the sleeves of her sweater to insulate against the heat of it as her black nails clicked against the ceramic and staring out the window, past the city coated in white, into space.

Half an hour later and she was tapping on Priya's door.

"Come in." said the voice through the door.

Tessa entered to find Priya by the window and speaking into her phone.

"She's not taking any further press requests at this time..."

Tessa stepped into the room to find Devon sitting in one of two armchairs facing the desk.

"Oh, hey." she whispered as she sat down, feeling a little queasy because she could guess what was coming.

"Tessa." he said somewhat gravely and this served only to increase the churning in her empty stomach. She should have had something more than just coffee before she came.

"So," Priya started as she placed her phone on her desk and slid into her seat. " Things kinda blew up after your interview."

"About you and Mariah." Devon supplied.

"Have you been on social media since the interview?"

Shit. She glanced between the two, acutely aware that Devon was both her boss and Mariah's ex.

"Yeah, I saw a few messages in the Hilary Hour chat room."

"Right. Well it seems it's spilled over onto twitter and got the Hilary Hour hashtag trending for a bit yesterday and most of it seemed to be speculation over you and Mariah." Priya said "and consequently I'm getting requests from a lot of media from all over, as well as some special interest groups who want to ask you about the things that came out of your TV appearance."

"Special interest groups?"

"LGBTQ community."

"Oh." Tessa said.

"Your music plays have spiked dramatically, which is great but what is not great is that this implicates the Newmans," Devon said, "and that is not something we want to get involved with. We have our plan laid out for the release of your album so we're not booking you any more media interviews and the ones we have already scheduled, the speculation around you and Mariah will be gagged."

"Gagged?" Tessa asked.

"Off limits" Devon said "They won't be allowed to ask any questions related to that."

"You can do that?"

"It's pretty standard." Devon replied, "and believe me, I'll be having some very strong words with Hilary about her insinuations."

"Okay..."

"So what we need to discuss with you is how you are going to handle this on your Instagram and Twitter" Priya said.

"And I will leave you two to that, I have a meeting in a few minutes." Devon said, rising. As he moved to the door, Tessa called out.

"Devon!"

He turned.

"I just want you to know that Mariah and I - "

"You don't have to explain" he said tightly before she could finish, "she's not my girlfriend anymore."

When the door clicked shut Tessa turned to back to Priya she was looking at her, her head cocked.

"Mariah and I -" Tessa started.

"You really don't have to explain." Priya said. "It's our job to sort this media issue but as long as you're discreet and it doesn't get into the media, you can do anything you want in your private life."

Tessa blinked and sat back in her chair. She'd driven over, convinced that an explanation would be demanded, that her contract was in jeopardy – that it was all over, but here they were and it felt like they were covering this up like some dirty secret.

XxX

She didn't turn the music on, on her way home. Instead she gazed out onto the road, slowly rolling through the falling snow, her brows furrowed. She'd been told to ignore any tweets asking her about Mariah and they'd posted an Instagram picture from the Hilary Hour of Tessa's performance

"And that's it." Priay had said.

"Do you think that will be enough?"

"Watch. These things flair up. As long as nothing fans the flames, by next week, it'll be a memory."

When Tessa entered the apartment, she found Noah in the kitchen, preparing some lunch.

"Hey." she said as she shrugged off her coat and removed her shoes.

"Hey." Noah replied without looking up from the tomato he was slicing.

"How was the work out?"

"Fine." He said, picking the slices up an placing them on a half built chicken sandwich.

"I wish you'd got me up. I could have done with some exercise."

"Don't" Noah said, looking up at her and shook his head, "Don't just gloss over what happened yesterday.

"I'm not trying to gloss over anything"

"You're acting like nothing happened. Tessa, this is a big deal, we need to talk about it."

"I had no intention of glossing over it, Noah! Give me some credit!"

He let out a breath and seemed to deflate.

"Sorry, I"m just... Let's talk about it." he said. He placed some lettuce on top of the tomato and pressed the top slice of bread on top before cutting the sandwich in half. He picked up the plate it was on and sat down at the table. Tessa joined him, settling on the bench opposite , feeling gangly and self-conscious. Her hands were on her lap being nervously wrung.

"I don't want to fight, Noah." she said

"I don't want to either." he replied looking at her and she could tell he meant it. "I didn't sleep very well last night and I realised that ever since I've found out about how Mariah felt, I've been pushing you away. I was angry last night and … I guess I over reacted. And then again, just now. I'm sorry."

"I know it must be hard knowing about Mariah..."

"Yeah. I've been angry at her and I've been taking it out on you and you don't deserve that."

She shrugged her shoulders. Of all her boyfriends, he was by far the most gentle, kind and considerate. For far less she had been manhandled up again a wall with fingers flexing against her throat, slapped across the room, been told she was a lying slut. She felt a wave of affection for him, for his creased brow, his earnest look. She reached across the table for his hand.

"I realised, last nigh, on the couch," Noah continued, "that I was also projecting my paranoia from my past relationships onto all this instead of trusting you."

At that a well of dismay and guilt began to rise and but she swallowed it down. No. This is what she wanted. This is what she chose. All this confusion inside of her was just noise and the correct choice was sitting in front of her but with everything happening in her life right now, she'd gotten confused. New city, new career, new boyfriend, new home. It would be enough for anyone to feel overwhelmed, she reasoned. This whole fiasco was just a momentary distraction and then maybe, after some time had passed things would settle and she and Noah could really start to build a life together. And maybe at some point in the future Mariah and her could be friends again.

"I'm here. With you." she said.

Noah smiled at her

She a wanted to say that she was here and not going anywhere, but the words wouldn't move past her voice box. She returned a watery smile.

"I don't have work until late this afternoon. Fancy going ice skating?"

"I'd love that."

"Want half of my sandwich?"

Tessa laughed softly because she knew how reluctant Noah was to share food, ever.

"I'd love that too.

xxxxx

Mariah sat in a corner cafe in the West End, nervously twirling a stick in her latte. She pressed the pad of her finger into the birch wood table top, picking up a few grains of sugar crystal and deposited them onto her saucer. She smoothed her hands down her lap again, checking the time on her phone even though she knew she was early, before looking out the window to the passers by. It was a sunny and the late afternoon sun was streaming through the window creating a warm, cozy glow. It had snowed overnight and for most of the morning after a sudden cold snap. Mariah had carefully driven across town, glad that she'd had the presence of mind to put on her winter tires the week before. The snow ploughs had come through the thoroughfares but the street the coffee shop was on had been left untouched. Pedestrians were walking on packed down snow and the cars were rolling slowly through six inches deep tracks. Snow stacked on slanted rooftops, window sills and the across the intersection was a park where kids and a few dogs were gleefully bounding into untouched snow beneath skeletal trees trimmed in white.

"Mariah?"

Mariah almost jumped, looking up to see a girl in front of her, coffee in hand

"Jess! Hi!" she jumped up and almost extended her hand in greeting but caught herself, feeling decidedly uncool . 'Uh, sit down, please."

Jess smiled with amusement and Mariah cleared her throat feeling a warm flush of embarrassment.

"I hope you haven't been waiting long."

"No, no, not at all."

"Good."

Jess was shrugging off her coat, unwound a chunky beige knitted scarf, removed her hat and gloves before she settled onto the chair as she tousled her short blond hair. She was wearing a t-shirt that said 'Spiritual Gangster' underneath an oversized cardigan that fell to her knees, ripped jeans and doc martens boots, pulling off the ensemble with an easy grace. She was slim without being skinny and had a warm open face that Mariah liked instantly.

"Thanks for coming out this way, what with the snow."

"Oh, it's fine. It's a great area but I don't often get to come this side of town. I take it you live close by?"

"Yeah, I live a few blocks away."

"Must be such a great neighbourhood."

"It is. Lots of artists here. Lots of gays. Good nightclubs." Jess said, ripping a packet of sugar open that she had pulled out of a mason jar sitting in the center of the table and pouring into her drink.

"I have read that this is the gay part of town."

"You read, huh?"

Mariah laughed. "Yeah. I, uh, I'm kinda new to this whole … lesbian thing." It was the first time she'd said the word lesbian with reference to herself. It felt bold and weird but also kinda good. The most she'd been able to do was admit to an attraction to Tessa, and in all the confusion of that, she'd found it hard to define what it all meant. Was she lesbian? Bi? Straight except for Tessa? Kevin had encouraged her to explore that. Practically forced her phone into her hands and told her to stop moping, download a dating app and then sat there while she did it. She had thought of cancelling the date, when she had seen Tessa, when she had looked into her eyes and there had been something between them there in the dressing room at the Hilary Hour but Tessa had left, she had gone home to Noah and she hated how she felt, escaping down the corridor to her desk. She wanted nothing more to open her arms and invite Tessa in but nothing had changed and she needed to protect herself. So here she was, in the gay part of town, meeting a girl.

Jess nodded slowly and her eyes narrowed a little. Mariah hoped that Jess wasn't writing her off before they'd even started.

"I guess we all start somewhere, right?"

Mariah smiled with relief.

"That is true."

"So I know what you do even though you were a little cryptic on you profile because, I have to confess to watching the Hilary Hour every now and then.

"Ah yes. I didn't want to... you know. Proclaim that too loudly."

"And I'm assuming that's why you didn't post a profile pic"

"Yeah."

"Fair enough. I guess it's harder when you've got a public presence."

"That is true."

"Besides which, I think every queer girl would be all over your profile if you had."

Mariah frowned quizzically at her.

"Because of how beautiful you are." she supplied, like it was a simple fact. Mariah blushed and laughed at the same time, feeling her stomach flutter.

"Wow, I can't believe you just said that."

"Oh gosh. Too bold?" Jess asked, the smooth bravado dropping for just a moment and biting her lip. So far she seemed so put together, so sure of herself and who she was. Mariah had an instant admiration for that but the lip bite betrayed a nervousness which made her relatable and ultimately more endearing.

Mariah smiled, charmed.

"I guess I wasn't expecting you to be so direct." She said, "but I uh. I liked it..."


	12. Chapter 12

It was approaching twilight as Tessa, Noah and Faith made their way over to Sharon's on Thanksgiving day. It was short ride from the Newman mansion where they had spent the afternoon, eating too much turkey and roast vegetables smothered in gravy and sleepily lounging on the sofa. Nikki had made an appearance, turned out impeccably, as always, in a svelte navy dress. She and Tessa caught up less frequently now that she was no longer living in the mansion and Tessa had felt a flash of trepidation when she caught sigh of her, elegant, near the entrance steps but before her nerves could run away with her, Nikki had turned around and greeted her with a warm smile and a genuine hug.

They had chatted over coffee. Tessa had asked about her latest charity project, Nikki had asked about her music,

"I heard about your spot on The Hilary Hour." she said watching Tessa over the rim of her mug as she took a sip of herbal tea. "So naturally I had to watch the segment."

Tessa shifted uncomfortably, feeling heat rising into her cheeks. She pushed the sleeves of her dress up to her elbows.

"I hope you don't think that I... "

"That you're carrying on an affair with Noah's half sister?"

Tessa blushed properly now. Nikki observed her a moment longer before continuing, "Tessa, I know Hilary well enough to not take everything she decided to sensationalise at face value. I get the impression she doesn't like you too much."

Tessa let out a half laugh there, feeling like she escaped something significant. She liked Nikki so much, felt a genuine affection for her that wasn't just about how she'd been picked up and dusted off by her when she was desperate and at the end of her tether.

"That's an... accurate description of our relationship."

"Maybe next time you'll give her show a pass – or be better prepared."

The Hilary Incident, as Tessa had begun to think of it, had died down, as Priya had predicted. The speculation had continued for a few days but Devon must have given Hilary a sound telling off, because it hadn't been alluded to again and the message board had moved on to other things. It had bumped up her twitter followers by a few thousand, which she found both thrilling and overwhelming and though she still received the odd tweet tagging her and Mariah, even that was settling too.

"I have no intention of appearing on the Hilary Hour again, believe me!"

Next to her, Faith had snuggled up to Tessa's side and fallen asleep. She had shifted, settling her head onto Tessa's lap whose hand had risen and begun to stroke her hair. She had turned to Noah as he entered from the dining room and suggested they move on. They were due to be at Sharon's for a light supper shortly.

As the car rolled to a standstill, Tessa took a moment to check herself in the mirror, smoothing down her hair before taking a breath. She slid out of the door, her feet crunching on the driveway gravel and she took another breath before she rang the bell, Noah and Faith a few steps behind. Sharon answered the door with warm hellos and inviting them in. As Tessa turned back from hanging up her jacket on the hook by the door, she saw Mariah rise from the couch looking first to her and then to Noah as he was dragged by Faith towards her bedroom to be shown her latest horse drawing. He did not respond to her hello as he passed.

"I'll go grab you all some spiced mulled cider." Sharon was saying as she headed for the kitchen. The door flapped shut.

"Hi," Tessa said hanging back, her hands finding their way into her back pockets. There had been no communication since the Hilary Hour interview.

"Hi."

Tessa smiled at Mariah, a tentative searching smile.

"So, uh – spiced mulled cider, huh?" Tessa asked looking down at Mariah's half empty glass on the coffee table.

"It's better than it sounds, actually. Get's you drunk less quickly than mulled wine."

"Probably a good thing. I'm a bit of a lightweight."

"Yeah. I know."

Tessa flashed to shared bottles of wine on the couch, glasses empty and their laughter.

"Of course you do." she said and a silence fell upon them as they stared across the divide, interrupted a few moments later by Sharon as she pushed though the door, and handing her a drink from the tray she carried. She gestured for her to sit in the spot next to Mariah on the sofa before taking the armchiar. "I'm so glad you are here to celebrate with us."

Tessa sat down gingerly, her leg pressing up against the arm of the sofa, aware of Mariah a few inches away.

"I'm so grateful to be here."

"Well of course." Sharon said and raised her glass, "You're Noah's girlfriend."

They clinked their glasses together and then Tessa turned to Mariah, and they also clinked.

'Eyes, girls!" Sharon said. "You have to look into each other's eyes!"

Mariah gave a little laugh and pulled a face a her mother.

"Come one!"

Mariah gave a sigh and she shifted her gaze to Tessa's eyes. The moment was felt like a current of electricity zapping through the space between them. Tessa felt a little breathless and cleared her throat.

"Happy thanksgiving." she said, her voice uneven.

"Happy thanksgiving." Mariah murmured.

They sipped from their glasses as Noah and Faith came down the stairs. Mariah rose and indicated that he should have her spot next to Tessa and then used one of the throw cushions to sit on the ground, folding herself into a cross-legged position, Faith cuddling up against her. Noah took the spot without sparing her a thank-you and placed his arm possessively behind Tessa on the couch. Tessa observed this little exchange and she could see that Mariah was doing her best not appear upset at his repeated slights but the way she ran her hand through her hair gave it away. Tessa threw an annoyed look at Noah who frowned as if he didn't understand but she knew he did.

"It's so nice to have you all here!" Sharon was saying, "It's been far too long. Tell me, Noah, how are things going?"

XxXx

They had eaten and were laid out in the living room, squabbling lightheartedly over what movie to watch. In spite of the undercurrent between Noah, Mariah and Tessa, they dinner had been lovely. Nourishing. Cozy. The sort of thing Tessa had always dreamed for the day to be. It wasn't the leftover turkey form the diner that she and Crystal would eat, perched on cold metal stools under the florescent lights of the stainless steel kitchen not so long ago. It wasn't even the elegant, formality of the Newman event. This was more mellow and soft and Tessa felt it like an unwinding of the heart, where a coil she didn't even realise had been there had been bound around it so tightly and it was finally coming undone. It was so foreign to be held in the warmth of that familial space but something instinctive in her recognised it. She never wanted it to end.

They had narrowed the movie down to Moana (Faith's choice), Breakfast at Tiffany's (Sharron's choice) and Grumpy Old Men (at least make it a movie that includes thanksgiving, was Noah's argument). Mariah had dryly suggested Addam Family Values before slipping out the front door, saying she'd be back in a moment. Tessa had gamely stayed out of it and watched on as they each tried to make a case for their own choice. It was as Faith was making a passionate case for just how funny Moana was, with the chicken and, you know, that bit where he's screaming when the coconut bowl is taken off his head that Tessa realised she'd forgotten her phone in the car and she had been meaning to send a happy thanksgiving wish to Devon and Priya all day. She murmured her excuses and shivered as she slid into the dark crisp night, almost colliding with two forms standing only a few paces away from the door and... kissing?

"Oh, shit, I'm so sorry." Tessa mumbled, realising it was Mariah, her face turning red with embarrassment, her eyes averted. Her heart had plummeted into her shoes. She circumvented the pair, without properly looking to see who Mariah was wrapped up in and not really wanting to know.

"I'm sorry." she mumbled again and started down the steps to the drive way.

"Tessa!" Mariah said.

Tessa stopped and turned slowly around.

"This is Jess. Jess this is Tessa."

She looked up and blinked, looking at Jess properly. In the darkness she had perceived nothing more someone tall with short blond hair and she'd immediately assumed it was a man. But it quite obviously wasn't.

Mariah was looking at her with pinched look on her face as Jess casually slipped an arm around her waist and smiled.

"Hey." Jess said. "Mariah's told me about you."

"Hey."

"Jess and I have been, uh... dating for a couple of weeks."

"Oh." Tessa said, trying to gather herself but feeling like her lungs couldn't quite get enough oxygen. Or like she'd been punched in the stomach.. "Nice. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Same here." Jess said, "I saw your interview on the Hilary Hour. Love your music."

"Oh, yeah, uh, thanks." she said

"She was just dropping by to say a quick hello before heading over to a friends for dinner."

"Oh. That's, uh, that's great. Um.. I'm sorry, I just have to get my phone out of the car, I have to send a few messages..."

"Yeah, of course." Mariah said and Tessa turned and quickly crunched her way to the car. As she turned to come back, phone in hand, Jess and Mariah were standing close, Jess's hand casually placed on Mariah's hips , her head cocked to the side and staring at her in such as way that it was impossible not to see the intimacy of their exchange. And the way Mariah seemed to lean in made Tessa's heart twist uncomfortably. Jess gave Mariah a linger kiss before skipping down the steps with an 'I'll call you" and moving past Tessa who was rooted to the spot. The sound of the door opened and closed, the engine rumbled to life and the tires rolled over the gravel stone, the sound fading into the chilly night while Tessa looked at Mariah and Mariah looked back.

"She seems nice." Tessa said.

"Yeah. She is."

Mariah shifted on the spot and her eyes liquid in the porch light. Tessa could see how Mariah wanted her to say something more and she wanted to say she was happy for her but she couldn't bring herself to.

"I hope that... wasn't too weird for yo-"

"Oh no, it was fine. I mean I was surprised, but, you kno-"

"Okay, good. Good." Mariah said. "I guess... I mean I don't want you to think that..." Mariah trailed off her hands clasped in front of her stomach, wringing them together and eventually asked, "Did they figure out a movie?"

"Uh, no."

"Right. Well, we should probably go back in."

"Yeah, it's cold out here."

"See what we are reduced to, girls?" Sharon cried out as they entered. Faith and Noah were in the middle of a vigorous game of Paper, Scissors, Rock. Noah looked up momentarily, clocking them then turned his attention back to the game.

"I hope I'm still in the running with my most excellent option!" Mariah said. Tessa could see the shift from the Mariah that had stood on the porch seconds ago with the vulnerability the searching gaze to this smooth, jovial facade. She couldn't muster the ability to follow suit.

"Sharon. Would you mind if I go lie down for a bit. I think I drank too much of your cider."

"You can take my room!" Faith cried out as her fist bounced up and down finishing with a her palm flat and crowing with delight when Noah's remained fisted. "I win!"

"Thanks," Tessa said. She turned away lest her expression give her away and slipped up the stairs as she heard Mariah exclaim loudly that she still needed to play before any final decisions where made.


	13. Chapter 13

_Note: I am aware that geographically that real mountains are thousands of miles away from the Chicago area but I'm taking geographic liberty. Also I have no if the Newmans have a cabin, so it's all made up and because it's a fanfic, I can! Haha._

 _Also I've fallen behind on my writing so I'm posting when I can, but it may not be every week for the time being. I will finish this though, no matter what._

xxx

She kicked off her shoes, unfolded the blanket at the bottom of the bed and pulled it over herself as she lay down on top of the bedspread of buttercup yellow flowers. The bedside lamp illuminated the shelves that displayed riding ribbons and trophys with a collection of ponies and horses of all shapes and sizes. The room looked different to when Tessa had lived there, now that all of Faith's things had found their place again but it still felt comfortable and familiar.

She stared out the window at the stars, curled on her side, her arms folded against her chest and her hands tucked beneath her chin. Ever since the night she'd stayed over at the Ranch, when she had looked at Mariahs hazel green eyes and felt the pull towards her, when her hand had combed through her auburn hair, she'd been working so hard to ignore what she felt because of what it would mean and what she'd have to face if she acknowledged it. She'd managed because her will had been stronger than any one moment, a will born of years of struggle, of survival, of grim determination to change her life. Except now, the image of two girls kissing in the shadows of the entrance way had cut through every layer of her denial. The immediacy of what she had seen and how she felt made it impossible to tidy that moment away into it's compartment like all the others.

She hated it. She hated that Mariah was with this girl. She hated that she seemed to like it, how open her face had been as she'd murmured things to her. She hated thinking that Mariah was spending time with her, laughing with her, kissing her, touching her. Her stomach broiled and she felt shaky and it was building up like a wave inside of her until it came out with a sob.

She felt disgusting and weak and broken.

" _You're pathetic"_ whispered her father's voice. _"You're useless."_

Today had been so special to her. She had reveled in the warmth of Noah's family and it had felt so good to be part of something where people cared for each other, where they cared for her. But now she saw she was nothing more than an underhanded, lying, opportunistic interloper. If they only knew the Newmans would not have her in their home. Nikki would look at her with disgust. Sharon wouldn't be handing her mulled spiced cider and telling her she was welcome. She would toss her out like the garbage she was. She would rail her out for being with one of her children while secretly...

Tears oozed down her face and her shoulder shook. It felt so messy and impossible. and she wanted it all to just stop but the tears kept coming.

When finally they slowed she could hear the sound of television drifting down the hallway. The muffled sound soothed her into an exhausted sleep.

XxX

A small beam of clarity had made it's way into her consciousness. She felt it lying there, passively asserting its presence. She acknowledged it, but she also did nothing more. She was swept up with the promotion of her EP, she hardly had time to think and when she did, the only thing that made things better was to write, so she filled up her book full of lyrics, melodies scribbled in margins, a catharsis for the pressure in her chest that she barely knew how to deal with, the implications of these feelings felt overwhelming. And then suddenly it was the day before Christmas and she was packing a bag to go to the Newman chalet in the mountains. Noah had scored the key to it for the holidays. Sharon and Faith were to join them. Mariah had been invited too, but she'd declined, telling Sharon that Hilary had wrangled her in to cover the Christmas episodes. She said she might make it up for New Years but Tessa could tell that she wouldn't. She could only presume she'd be off with Jess. The though felt like a sharp pang in her heart.

"You ready?" Noah asked from the living room, "I'm almost done packing up the car."

"Yeah, I'll be along in a few."

She threw in the last few items she had laid out on the bed, zipped up her bag and grabbed her guitar case.

"Can we stop off to get Genoa Beat?" She asked as she emerged from the bedroom and began to put on her down jacket and snow shoes. "Their January 2018 issue is out today and it's got my article in it."

"Of course." Noah said.

XxX

She picked it up as a gas station at the edge of the city. There she was, on the cover, in black ripped jeans and red lipstick, her guitar slung across her back and staring boldly out with the title 'Tessa Porter on Music, Love and Life'. Priya had called her a few days after the interview and said that Sasha had asked for a photo shoot. It seemed the story was to get the cover. Tessa had squealed and she felt a thrill now, as she pulled the magazine from the stand, recognizing the picture as herself but also feeling like it was someone else. It was all so surreal.

In the last month she'd done photo shoots, had stylists fussing over her, done interviews, done a press event, performed at the EP's launch and had then been introduced to too many people from the music industry to remember. She'd bee driven around, had assistants asking her what her coffee order was and been given freebies. This wasn't a world she was used to, being treated with such importance, like she was someone special. She'd spent so much of her life feeling invisible and though she'd been swept up in the excitement of it all, she'd also felt an uncomfortable undercurrent like she couldn't quite believe or trust that this was real. This made it feel more real than anything else, it was an actual physical magazine, featuring her. How did this happen?

She wished that Crystal was here to share this with her.

She slid into the passenger side of Noah's SUV, settling the snacks and drinks in the compartments between their two seats before nestling into the corner of her seat. As she waited for Noah to finish filling the gas and make a toilet stop, she flipped to the article, taking a moment to pause on the photo they'd used, of her with her guitar, eyes closed, hair falling to partially obscure her face.

"It's a cold Genoa evening and Tessa Porter has just arrived at Restaurant West, marching across the restaurant in her studded leather jacket, extending her hand in a firm hand shake and a confident smile but after speaking to the songstress for a few minutes, what you notice about her is that she's not a tough as she might first appear." the article started. "She is soft spoken and wryly self-deprecating which betrays a disarming vulnerability ..."

The article continued, outlining her background interjected with anectodal stories from her past that, honestly, Tessa only half remembered giving.

"... when asked about her friendship with her boyfriend's half sister and co-host of the Hilary Hour, Mariah Copeland, a change washes over Porter. "I love her." she says effusively, "she's the best friend anyone could ask for. She took care of me when I was dealing with my sister's situation. She's the only one who understood what I was going through and she made me feel so safe and supported. I don't know what I would do without her". This gushing comes hot on the heels of her controversial interview on the Hilary Hour where speculations had been made by its host that their friendship was more than platonic..."

Tessa stared in disbelief, feeling the sickening lurch in her stomach She didn't even remember saying these words! This was supposed to be over! Buried! How stupid could she be? How could she have been so careless with her words on the very night Hilary had tried to corner her? How had she not known better?

She snapped the magazine shut and slid it down the side of her seat against the door as Noah sat down in the drivers seat.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

She nodded, distractedly. How had she let these things slip through her red wine loosened lips?

In her pocket, her phone goes off and she pulls it out to see it's Priya. She rejects the call and turns the phone onto airplane mode.

"I'm feeling a bit sleepy. Do you mind if I take a nap?" she asked as they pulled out onto the road.

Noah nodded so she turned herself away, pulling the pillow she had wedged against her back to rest her head on and looked out the window. The car sped up until the foreground became a blur, the lines on the road's edge snaking along with them and the white fields receded away. In her chest her heart felt contracted and tight. She breathed in deep trying to ease the tension. She closed her eyes, but sleep did not come.

XxX

By the time they pulled up to the cabin, it was just after lunch. The flat snow covered country side had given way to hills and then mountains, woods and farmland giving way to alpine forests. Up they went, along the zig zag roads, climbing towards the low lying clouds that hung over the plain, finally piercing through to find brilliant blue skys. Shortly after passing through a sleepy little village lodged into the side of the mountain, they turned down a quiet side road which wound it's way past a few chalet style cabins until they made a final turn onto a driveway that threaded through some trees to a clearing where Sharon's car was already parked. They drew level with her car. In front of them the clearing extended out covered in pristine snow and beyond that the treeline dipped away, revealing a carpet of clouds extending over the plain below. To their right, the cabin stood, although Tessa felt it looked far from the rustic image she'd had in her mind. It was log cabin, that much was true, but it was large with two storeys, a balcony on the second floor that extended the full length of the structure. Quaint forest green shutters were open wide to allow the slanted winter sun to shine through. An impossible amount of snow looked smooth on the slanted roof like cake icing, save for the stone chimney that protruded with a lazy column of smoke drifting up. As they stepped into the frigid air, Faith, bundled up in a puffer jacket, hat, gloves and scarf, bounded from around the corner of the cabin and launched herself at Noah.

"You're here!" she cried and turned to Tessa, wrapping her arms around her waist. "I can't wait to make a snow man with you!" she said.

Tessa laughed. "Sounds good, sweetie."

Sharon greeted them at the door in an apron and flour covered hands.

"I'd hug you but I'm a mess." she said waving her dirty fingers at them and stepping aside so they could wrangle their suitcases through the door. "So glad you're here, I have a delicious soup all ready to be eaten, if you give me twenty minutes."

"That sounds amazing, ma, I"m starved," Noah said

"Yes, thank you so much, Sharon."

"No problem. Just come down when you're settled." Sharon said as went through an archway and into the kitchen, toward what looked like pizza dough on the quartz counter top.

"I'll show you to your room." Faith said tugging at Noah's arm.

"Woah, give us a second!" Noah said, "Let me at least get my boots and jacket off."

Off came their down jackets and boots and they moved past the kitchen and the guest bathroom and emerged from the corridor leading off the vestibule into the living room. A fire place roared in one corner with a stack of chopped firewood awaiting their turn. A large, understated sectional couch and accompanying armchairs faced the ranch sliders that lead onto what must be a raised outdoor patio but was currently covered in snow. If front of the couch, a warm rustic rug on top of hardwood flooring and in the corner stood a bare Christmas tree that looked at least 10 feet tall.

"We're going to decorate it this afternoon, we were just waiting for you." Faith said.

Tessa liked the sound of that.

An impressive dining table was also had it's place with enough space to sit at least eight people and behind it was a staircase. They climbed up to find a number of doorways leading to four double bedrooms and two bathrooms.

"And look," cried Faith pulling open a closet door to reveal a narrow staircase, "It leads up to another room in the attic! That's where I'm sleeping!"

"You'll have to show me once we've had lunch."

"I can't wait!" she said.

Upon Faith's recommendation, they chose one of the south facing bedrooms and put down their gear. Tessa unzipped both their suitcases, opened up the closet and began to put everything away while Faith bounced up and down on the bed.

"I didn't put my things away. I'm living out of my suitcase." Faith said as her ponytail swung back and forth.

"Well I like to put my things away because it makes me feel like I'm settled. I've spent far too long living out a suitcase."

"Yeah, like when you lived out of your car!" Faith said.

"Yeah. Like that."

"Well you might end up having to live out of a suitcase again soon, once you start touring." Noah commented

"Oh, I think that's a little ways off..."

"Really? I mean you're making it onto the cover of Genoa Beat – it shouldn't be too long before Devon has you touring around the mid-west at the least. Speaking of which, you never said anything about the article. Did you read it?"

"You're on the cover of a magazine?!" Faith cried

"Yeah, sweetie, I am."

Tessa looked to her oversized handbag that she had shoved the magazine into.

"Say, Faith. Would you mind going to the car and getting out the box in the trunk? We brought a whole bunch of food and some of it needs to get into the fridge. Would you mind taking it to your mom?"

"Sure."

Tessa handed her the keys and waited until the girl was out of the room. She turned to Noah who was standing there, looking at her.

"I, uh, actually wanted to talk to you about the article." Tessa said. She extracted the magazine and handed it to him, sitting down beside him on the end of the bed. With a concerned look, he began to read it. Tessa bit her lip, her hand fisted an pressing into the mattress as she waited. The moment he reached the part about Mariah, she saw his eyes still and his face turn stony.

"I'm sorry, Noah." she whispered, "I got tipsy and I don't even remember saying this. And the interviewer, Sasha, I think she got caught up in the hype of Hilary's gossip -"

"It's okay." Noah interjected. Tessa frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I get it. I told you that I trust you. And I trust that the interviewer probably had an agenda. So it's fine. It's old news."

"Oh." Tessa replied. She hadn't expected that. On the ride up, she'd sat there trying to figure out how to address this with him and in every scenario, he'd not responded well to this being shoved in his nose yet again. "So you're... fine with it?"

"Tessa... do I like reading this stuff? No! But what can I do?"

He rose abruptly, throwing the magazine down and began to unpack the rest of their things.

"I've got this." Noah said dropping a tight-lipped kiss on her cheek, unable to look her in the eye, "I figure mom probably needs some help if you don't mind. I'll be down in a few for lunch."

He disappearing into the bathroom their toiletry bags. Tessa watched his retreating back and rose, rocking on the balls of her feet, unsure if she should stay or insist they talk. She could hear the sound of the zip and the clink as he placed their toothbrushes in the holder. She was dismissed. She exited the room and walked down the stair case feeling heaviness in her step.

"Tessa, Tessa!" Faith cried out as she came down, "look who made it after all to spend Christmas with us!"

Tessa walked down a few more steps until she was able to see the living room and, casually cross legged on the sectional couch, with the sun in her auburn hair, sat Mariah.

"Hey." Mariah said.


	14. Chapter 14

_Thank you to my reviewers, I love reading your comments :)_

XxX

"Hi," Tessa replied as her steps slowed and her fingers gripped onto the banister. Mariah looked so beautiful, sitting there, running her hands through her hair, cozy in her jeans and chunky knit turtle neck sweater. She was aware that she was staring but she couldn't help it. They hadn't seen each other in a month, since Thanksgiving and her presence was so unexpected. She was like an aparition, a faery, she didn't seem quite real. Butterflies rippled through Tessa's stomach.

"So it turns out Hilary couldn't stand the idea of me hanging around Genoa city if it meant I was going to be hanging out with Devon. She got all jealous when she saw the two of us laughing over dinner so she released me from my show commitments and pretty much ordered me up the mountain."

Mariah seemed almost apologetic, like they had a tactic agreement not to be in the same space.

"I assumed you'd be spending it with you girlfriend."

Mariah looked at her, her lips parted as though to speak.

"Can someone grab a hot plate?" Sharon called out as she pushed through the kitchen door with a pot of soup in hand.

Faith skipped to the table to help. Mariah's closed her mouth and then smiled, thin lipped, before getting up to help set the table. Tessa moved to help her. She was hyper aware of herself within the space of the dining room, hyper aware of Mariah sharing that space. She wanted to say something but she felt tongue-tied.

It was as they were just about done that Noah came down the stairs and there he stopped as he caught sight of his sister.

"Hey, Noah." Mariah said, her face at once cautious, apologetic and hopeful.

"Hey." he said his eyebrows heavy.

Tessa saw the resigned sadness, caught the suppressed breath and the way she bent her head so that her hair fell across her face. She turned to see Noah watching her watch Mariah. Her body prickled, caught and she tried to smile, aware that it didn't reach her eyes. Inside her chest, her heart felt like it was slowly tearing apart like it was being pulled in opposite directions. She turned to her bowl of broccoli and cheddar cheese soup. They ate. Faith chattered happily.

"Mom let me open a present a day early!" she was saying. "They were snowshoes! I want to try them out after lunch."

Mariah and Noah both make encouraging comments.

"Well she basically begged all the way up the mountain. Didn't you?" Sharon said.

"Well I _knew_ you got me snowshoes and what is the point having snowshoes if I can actually _use_ them while I'm up here?"

"You will have had plenty of time to try them."

Faith pulled out her tongue "Don't ruin my dreams with your logic."

The comment and its delivery surprised Tessa and she burst into laughter. Faith looked postively delighted at the reaction. Tessa happened to look up and caught Mariah's eye, seeing an amused look, and it was enough to send her into a fit made only worse by Noah's perplexed face.

"I'm sorry," she gasped, her hand on her chest to try and clam herself down, "It's not...sorry"

She wiped tears from the corner of eyes and spent the next minute calming herself down while the others continued to eat. The laughter made her feel immeasurably better, like it had shaken the tension loose.

After clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher Faith dragged everyone towards the Christmas tree.

Sharon put on Frank Sinatra and his warm voice filled the living room.

 _Have yourself a merry little Christmas..._

The five of them set about placing the lights in an even spiral all the way around the tree and then moving about to hang the ornaments. Tessa stood by Noah as they silently worked. Through the branches Tessa could see Mariah laughing as she struggled to pick Faith up so she could reach the higher branches.

"Urgh, you're getting too big for this." said her muffled voice. "I'm going to break my back."

Tessa then heard the soft thump of feet landing on the ground. Faith's face poked around the corner.

"Noah. I need you. I want to go on your shoulders." she said gravely.

"Sure, squirt."

Noah got down on his knee and she clambered up, placing her legs either side of his neck. Tessa moved in to help as he stood up.

"I got this." he said flatly. Tessa bit her lip and took a step back, feeling the sting of his dismissal. She placed the brass bell she had in her hand on the top of a branch. Next to her, Sharon was humming along to "Let It Snow". After a few beats Tessa started to hum along too in hope it might dislodge the uneasy knot in her throat that was now there. Sharon smiled and started to sing the words to her.

 _...all the way home I"ll be warm._

 _The fire is slowly dying and, my dear, we're still goodbying..._

Tessa couldn't help but join in with a harmony.

. _..long as you love me so_

 _let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..._

Sharon began to sway her hips and Mariah slid up falling into a swinging step with her mother as they continued to hang ornaments and then Sharon turned to Mariah, taking her hand to twirl her around.

"Sharon!" Mariah protested but then gamely turned on the spot and then she side stepped with an exaggerated hip thrust as they swung their hands side to side to communicate how silly she thought dancing in the living room was. She caught Tessa's gaze and rolled her eyes because her mum was _just so corny_ but continued to humour her, even twirling Sharon around a couple of times. Tessa smiled at the image of mother and daughter and the joy in Sharon's eyes.

She was contemplating that as she later sat on a bench, all wrapped up, a hot cacao in her hand.

"What are you doing out here in the cold?"

Tessa looked to see Mariah emerging from the front door clad in full winter gear.

"Oh. Just... thinking."

Noah had been subdued to the point of surliness and as Faith had put the star on the top of the tree Sharon had asked if he was okay. He'd lowered Faith down and excused himself saying he felt tired.. Sharon insisted they at least put "the family decorations" on the tree before he absconded and handed a pink glitter horse with white wings to Faith, a miniature cocktail glass for Noah, a film camera for Mariah and a highschool diploma for herself.

"I decided it was time for me to replace my old one." Sharon had said.

She'd pulled one last one out from the decoration, a heart and at the center was the picture of young teenage girl who looked exactly like Mariah.

"And this one is for Cassie."

"Can I put it up?" Faith had asked. Sharon smiled and handed it to her. Faith had gravely reached up and placed it on a branch and the family had stood still for a moment. Then they'd hung their own decorations. Aware that she was not part of this ritual, Tessa had hung back and watched.

Noah once again excused himself and Tessa had followed him up to the bedroom.

"Noah. Is it about the magazine...?" she'd asked tentatively. "Is it because Mariah turned up?"

He'd laid himself down on the bed

"Can we not talk about this right now?"

"Noah – you are clearly upset and I want us to sort this."

"How? How do you want to sort this?"

"I don't know! I want for us to talk about it..."

"We've talked about this. Nothing changes."

"What do you mean nothing changes? "

"We talk. You give me some explanation for why – yet again – Mariah is somehow linked to you, you promise it won't happen again. It happens again."

"You make it sound like I'm willfully shoving this in your face, that I'm planning this! I'm not!"

"Look. Tessa, I'm tired. I've been working long hours at the Underground, I just want to take a nap. Okay?"

"Fine." Tessa had said through gritted teeth and risen from the bed, taking herself downstairs to find the others had scattered. She'd made a drink and taken a moment to calm herself down and so she'd found herself outside, looking at the way the sun made the snow sparkle like tiny diamonds and contemplating the stark difference between this world and hers.

"Good thoughts. I hope?" Mariah asked.

Tessa sipped from her mug and looked at the clouds that had gathered in the sky. The sun, already on it's way to the horizon was in danger of being obscured by them.

"We never had anything like this growing up. The family holiday, the laughter, the... family-ness of it all. It was lovely watching you dance with Sharon, watching you all decorate the tree together."

"Well, you're part of that too" Mariah said as she leaned against the wall tucked into her woolen hat and scarf, her hands in her pockets.

Tessa shrugged, non-commital. She knew she wanted that but every time she thought she'd got a grasp on it... it felt like it just slipped through her fingers.

"This isn't what I grew up with either." Mariah continued.

"You seem comfortable with it now."

"Yeah, maybe, I guess. But it wasn't the case before. I use to balk when Sharon tried do these sorts of things. I hated them. I remember she tried to give me a necklace as a present once and I didn't know what to do with that. I freaked out a bit, thought she was trying to manipulate me or buy me, or something..."

"It can be hard to trust people have the best intention when your trust in people has been proven wrong so many times. Sometimes all of this – it feels like it'll disintegrate away."

"Why you talking like that? Why would any of this disintegrate away?"

Tessa shrugged. "I still can't believe any of this." she said.

Just then Faith burst through the door two pairs of snowshoes in hand.

"Here you go." she said handing the larger pair to Mariah.

"You going somehwere?" Tessa asked

"We're going to pick up some flour, eggs and milk from the village. And someone thought it woud be fun to go get them with their brand new snowhsoes."

"That's me!" Faith said as she sat down to strap them on.

"Won't that take forever?" Tessa asked

"It's about a 20 minute walk through the trees and there's still two hours of daylight left. We should be fine." Mariah said eyeing the sky. A few snowflakes were beginning to fall.

"You want to come?" Faith asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm kinda comfortable just sitting here."

"Pleeeeeeease?" Faith said "There are more snowhoes for you and I want you to tell me about the magazine article..."

"There is a hot tub with our name on it when we get back too." Mariah supplied, "Sharon is just starting it up, should be ready to go when we get back."

Tessa hesitated a moment caught between the idea of Noah not appreciating her going for a stroll with Mariah and her desire to do just that. It took her a moment too long to reaffirm her no and Faith was bouncing up.

"I'll go get another pair." she said as she dashed back inside.

Mariah let out a laugh and Tessa narrowed her eyes.

"Hmmmm. Looks like I'm coming then."

"I guess so."


	15. Chapter 15

_There be tropes coming your way. Oh yeah._

Faith wanted to know all about the photo shoot, the make up, who chose the outfits, did she have to take lots of photos, how long did it take ? Tessa answered as they walked, the metallic ridges of their snowshoes crunching into the snow. They started by plunging into some deep powder to the right of the cabin and threading into fir trees that murmured in the breeze.

"Do we know where we're going?" Tessa asked, skeptical that either companion was well versed in back country mountain hiking.

"See the markers?" Faith pointed to bright orange triangles every few trees. "We just follow those and then in a little bit we'll join a trail that goes into the village."

And she was right. After about 5 minutes that had Tessa beginning to sweat, they exited via a gate that marked the edge of the Newman property and joined a well trodden trail not much wider than their snow shoes. Faith confidently hung a left.

"These snowshoes are great! I'm not even slipping!" she said as she did a run down an embankment. Mariah seemed to have it in hand but Tessa was a little more careful as she tested these ridiculous plastic things strapped to her feet.

"I've got you, if you fall." Mariah said wickedly.

"Don't trust her!" cried Faith, "she told me that and then she stepped aside and laughed when I tumbled down a hill last year."

"Don't worry." Tessa said as she gained the bottom of the embankment, facing off against Mariah, gloved hands on her hips, "I'm well aware of Mariah's sadistic tendencies."

Mariah smirked at her and moved off, bumping their shoulders as she did. "Stop stalling, Porter, we have groceries to get."

The path rose and fell before twisting down a hill that lead into the village. As they had progressed, snow had begun to fall thickly and on the crest of the hill Tessa stopped, holding out her hand to catch a few flakes. Behind her she could see a layer of snow already beginning to cover the trail.

"Stop stalling, Porter!" Mariah's fuzzy form called out at the bottom of the hill. It was relatively steep so she began cautiously, using the tree trunks to support her weight. She navigated it all successfully until she got to the last bit at which point her right snowshoe caught the edge of the left snowshow and when she tried to take a step she ended up doing an ungainly run, her hands out in front of her, loosing her footing entierly and ploughing right into a surprised Mariah. They collapsed into a heap in the powerdered snow.

"Ouch." Mariah mumbled.

"Sorry" Tessa said pushing herself up. Mariah's hat had fallen off and her hair was like waves of fire fanning out, a deep orange against the white of the snow. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were rosy from the cold, rosy like her lips and her eyes seemed particularly green. Staring down, Tessa noticed there were snowflakes on her eye lashes.

"You're staring, Porter." Mariah said softly.

Tessa took a breath, realising she was. For the briefest moment she thought about closing the few inches between their lips and kissing her, but she didn't. Instead she reached over to grab Mariah's hat and then rolled off her to sit in the snow.

"Here." she said, clearing her throat and then smiled as Mariah sat up. "You have snow all through your hair."

She raised a gloved hand to brush some of it out.

"Urgh and I snow down my neck. Thanks a lot!"

"Here, let me."

Tessa pulled her glove off and dipped her fingers down the neck of the jacket to pull up a handful of snow.

"Argh, it's dripping!" Mariah clambered to her feet and did a little jig to dislodge what Tessa hadn't caught."

Faith was sitting on a fallen tree trunk, finding this far too amusing.

"That's what you get for teasing me, Ms Copeland." Tess said as she stood and brushed off her pants and jacket. "Come one, we have groceries to buy."

"Har, har." Mariah grumbled.

It ended up taking them just over thirty minutes to get to the village by which time the snow was so thick they could barely see five feet in front of them. The street was already three inches deep in snow. At the shop front they sat down on a bench to remove the straps to their snowshoes, propping them up against the wall. They shook themselves off, the sound of a bell announcing their entry. It was not much bigger than a corner store with a small selection of fresh vegetables and fruit, a few isles of food and a freezer down the end.

"Hello there." called out a man from behind the counter. He was somewhere in his fifties, round pot belly and bald. He took off his reading glasses and put down his crossword puzzle. "Did I see you three arrive with snowshoes?"

"Yup!" Faith said.

"Hope you didn't walk too far in this weather."

"Yeah..." Mariah was saying as she flicked on her phone. "I'm thinking that Noah or Sharon might have to come and pick us up."

Tessa went to grab the necessary items and arrived at the checkout as Mariah was hanging up.

"All good?"

"Yeah. Sharon is sending Noah to get us."

"You staying far?" the man asked

"Do you know the Newman cabin?" Mariah asked.

"Ah. Well you tell whoever is picking you up to be careful. That stretch of road is steep and these conditions are dangerous."

"Thanks." Mariah said as she swiped her card through the machine.

"Do you mind if we hang out in here while we wait?" Tessa asked.

"Be my guest."

XxX

They'd munched through a packet of potato chips, demolished a block of chocolate between the three of them and another two inches of snow had fallen when Mariah's phone went off.

"It's Noah." she said as she answered. "Hey... Okay. Oh, really? Yeah, totally, of course, I understand. Okay. No, sure, I... okay... Umm, yeah, we'll figure it out. Thanks."

She hung up.

"He said he almost skidded out on ice and that it's too dangerous to come and get us."

"Oh," Tessa said. "Uh, so … what do we do?"

Mariah looked outside. It was somewhere around 4.30 now and twilight had begun during their wait, made only more sombre by the weather.

"Either we try to hike back or we stay here. Are you guys up for that?"

"It's Christmas Eve!" Faith cried, " We have to go back!"

Mariah looked dubiously out the window.

"Okay." she said with determination, "Let's do it then."

They wrapped themselves up, thanked the man behind the counter and exited. Strapping their snowshoes back on, they started back the way they came. They moved quickly, turning down the side street that lead to the trail head. They almost missed the sign due to the thick snow falling and as they reached the tree line Tessa felt a shiver down her spine. It looked so gloomy and uninviting like the forbidden forest, like giant spiders might be lurking inside.

They walked a few feet in but it was apparent that the path they'd used to trek in was now almost indistinguishable from the deeper drifts of snow. Even their cellphone lamplight were not helping.

"Where are the triangle markers?" Mariah asked, swinging her light between the tree trunks. Tessa walked a few paces along.

"I think there is one here." she said "Ah, no acutally... no."

They stopped and swung around in a circle.

"I don't feel good about this." Tessa said.

"Neither." Mariah said.

They both turned to Faith who pouted.

"Honey, it's no good if we get lost in the forest and never make it back."

"But mom is making pizza and we were going to cook it in the pizza oven above the fire and sing Christmas carols and toast marshmellow and drink hot chocolate!"

"Ugh, that sounds amazing." Tessa said, "But Mariah's right. At this rate we'll take hours to make it back if we even make it... it's smarter to turn back. We'll get make sure we get back bright and early tomorrow."

"Boooo." Faith said but she turned around and started down the path.

"Wait up!" Mariah called out "We have to stay close or we'll loose each other!"

She and Tessa hurried to catch up.

XxX

"Well, you're in luck." said the woman behind the counter.

They were standing in the only hotel in the village in a turn of the century building with a quaint reception and a wooden staircase leading up to the rooms above. The lower walls were wood paneled with a rich wine coloured wall paper,reaching to the ceiling, illuminated by old-fashioned floor lamps and some wall light fixtures. It felt like a cocoon, protected from the elements outside. Through some open french doors was a kind of lobby area with a warm fire crackling on the far wall. They'd been instructed here by the pot-bellied, bald man when they stopped by the store to pick up toothbrushes and toothpaste for their impromptu stay.

Thank goodness they had a room available.

"We're generally pretty full over the holidays. We have a room with a queen sized bed. Will that be big enough for the three of you?" the woman asked, as if they had an option.

"We'll just have to snuggle up." Faith said, her chin resting glumly on the counter.

The thought caught in Tessa's mind and her heart beat heavy in her chest. She looked at Mariah from out the corner of her eye. She looked calm and unperturbed by the idea.

"That will be fine" Mariah said.

XxX

The room was small. A Persian rug was on the floor, the bed cover matched the red wine wallpaper and two wooden bedside tables with lamps, a built in wardrobe opposite the bathroom door and an armchair in the far corner. There was a bay window with a built in bench and a couple of pillows. Faith immediately collapsed onto it and looked out the window.

"Well." Mariah said, sitting down on the bed. "This is a bit of an adventure."

She pulled off her hat and combed her fingers through her hair.

"I'm wet." she said. " and a bit cold. I might just go and grab a shower, if you two are okay."

"Yeah." Tessa said from her spot near the door. "I'll let Noah and Sharon know what happened to us."

Mariah smiled. "Thanks."

Tessa went to sit in the arm chair as she pulled out her phone.

"Noah?" Tessa asked into the reciever a few rings later.

"Where are you?"

"We had to turn back, it was too dark and we couldn't find the path because of all the snow. We're staying in a hotel for the night."

"Okay." Noah said.

He sounded distant and polite. Tessa bit her lip. She wanted to say something – explain something, but what could she say? She felt guilty for agreeing to come along, especially moments after they'd argued about Mariah – again. She knew it was a shitty thing to do to him but she'd been frustrated, angry. What made her feel even worse is that under all of those feelings was the more concerning acknowledgment that she'd just wanted to spend time with Mariah. Talk to her. Steal an hour of time where she wasn't under Noah's jealous gaze. And she'd hoped to get away with it.

"I'm sorry..." she finally said, feeling how empty those words must sound, even though she really meant them.

The line was silent for a moment. Then he said "I'll see you tomorrow." and hung up.

She began to cry, silently, a few tears oozing down her cheeks as she held her cellphone in her hand. His coldness was like a knife in her heart. His anger, his words, every time he had accused her, been suspicious of her and the fact that he wasn't wrong. She felt it all. She kicked off her boots and curled up in the chair. She must have let out a sniffle because Faith raised her head from the pillow .

"You okay, Tessa?"

She wiped away her tears and tried to smile through her watery eyes as Faith came to stand in front of her.

"I'm not a very good person." she said.

"Why do you say that?" Faith said with a frown.

"It's... complicated."

Faiths concerned face drew close and she kissed her cheek. Then she climbed into Tessa's lap and rested her head on her shoulder.

"It's okay." she said. "I think you're a good person."

This only made Tessa feel worse but she held onto Faith all the same.


	16. Chapter 16

_So, um, it's almost been 3 months since I started this story? I... I don't even know how that is possible. Also how have I written this many words as a buildup to them getting together. You all are being amazingly patient. Also look up Cait's song 'Hiding Place' along with all the others I've stolen for this fic, it makes the song lyrics miles better :)_

xxx

It was 6.30pm and they were hungry . They had passed a pub on the way to the hotel, so they bundled up again and went to check it out. It was buzzing with people, Christmas music was playing, and the entire place was decorated with a gaudy amount of parifenalia.

"This is nice." Mariah said once they'd been shown to a booth, "in a I want to throw up this is so Christmassy kind of way."

"Let's hope their food is decent." Tessa said.

"It's not mom's pizza." Faith sighed.

"No, but the cool thing is that you can have whatever you want and I'll bet they have the best deserts." Tessa said.

Faith perked up at that. "Can I have desert first?"

Mariah shrugged as she caught Tessa's eyes

"I mean I won't tell if you don't." she said.

"Deal." Faith said sticking out her hand and pumping Mariah's up and down.

"Decent handshake!" Mariah exclaimed, "nice!"

They flipped to the desert menu to find apple turnover, waffles, banana split, hot fudge sunday, a brownie with vanilla bean ice-cream and a cheesecake.

"Banana split!" Faith cried happily.

"I might go for something less coma educing." Mariah said paging back to the dinner menu. She saw Tessa followed suit.

By the time their waitress came to take their order, decked out with a flashing santa hat, Mariah had decided to go for the salad with the chicken strips and a glass of wine. Tessa, it seemed, had pizza and beer on the mind.

While they waited for their food, they called up Sharon's cell. They promised to get back as soon as they could the next day.

"Don't you worry." Sharon said over speaker phone, "we won't do anything fun without you and we'll wait for the presents."

"Who would have guessed," said Mariah after they hung up, "that by the end of today we'd be stranded in a village half way up a mountain."

Tessa smiled . "I can think of worse places to be."

"Yeah. Me too." Mariah replied warmly.

"Me three." Faith said.

Their food arrived in short order and Faith was shoveling her meal down with swiftness.

"I see a sugar high and a stomach ache in your future, missy." Mariah commented, taking a scope of banana and ice-cream for herself.

"Don't care, too good." Faith said, swinging her legs back and forth.

"That use to be my sister's favourite thing to have at the diner I worked at, the banana split." Tessa commented. Mariah looked to her at that. She'd observed how subdued Tessa had seemed, both at the cabin, but even more so this evening. It was like a sadness had washed over her features and even her most valiant attempts to appear cheerful never quite reached the eyes. Her eye make up had smudged a little, like she'd been crying and she hadn't wiped away all the evidence.

Mariah paused her eating, resting the prongs of her fork against the edge of the plate.

"You must miss her." she said.

"Yeah. I do."

"Have you heard from her?" Faith asked, "did you send her a Christmas card?"

"We're not allowed to exchange cards, nothing. Because if anyone were to find it and figure out where she is then ..."

"The bad guys could get her."

"That's right." Tessa said, rubbing her hand against Faith's back.

"There's been no movement on the case?" Mariah asked.

"No. I had hoped that my TV and press interviews might help me find a lead... but nothing."

Mariah nodded before poking her fork into some lettuce leaves .

"I read your article in GQ magazine." she said, trying to sound casual.

"Oh. You did?" Tessa replied.

"Yeah. I... uh, I liked it. Thanks... for the things you said about me."

She was conscious that Faith was there. She was also conscious of the fact that their situations hadn't changed, that acknowledging what Tessa said might not be the best move but she'd been touched. Deeply touched by those words. She hadn't expected it and she'd sat in her car with a warm buzzing feeling passing through her, the magazine on her lap.

"I... I am grateful for your help and your friendship."

Tessa eyes softly held hers and she let herself fall a little ways in before she drew breath and snagged a piece of chicken on the end of her fork.

"I can't wait to read this article." Faith said. She plopped against the back of the booth and slid down. "I'm so full." she said.

"How did you … you ate the whole thing!" Tessa exclaimed

"I think I feel sick."

"Told you." Mariah said and watched her sister half comatose, rubbing her belly and groaning.

A few minutes later and Faith had curled up and was resting her head on Tessa's knee and Tessa was smiling sweetly down at her. She looked to Mariah and bit her lip and mouthed 'I love her.' There was something very sweet and affecting about watching the way Faith and Tessa interacted. Faith had told her numerous times just _how cool_ she thought Tessa was. She seemed to have developed a bit of a crush on her and Mariah couldn't blame her.

"So Hilary sent you away, did she?"

Mariah let out a laugh "Yeah. Devon and I are finally becoming friends again and Hilary isn't too please. I think she thinks that I'm after him again."

"Well I guess she doesn't know about you and …."

"Jess. Yeah. I haven't really … come out, I guess, about that to people at work. It's kinda a weird thing. Because I'm on TV, people seemed to be super interested in what I do with my love life."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

They both laughed and Mariah felt the energy shift between them to something more relaxed and comfortable.

"Of course" Mariah said, "you've seen how... I don't know... rabbid the Hilary Hour fans can get."

"Oh yeah. They remind me of Hilary. I guess it's no surprise. I get why you might want to keep your personal life a little more under wraps."

"I'm not ready for that. We've not even been seeing each other two months, it's way too early."

"No. Of course... I get it." Tessa said nodding. She gaze plunged to her pizza and she shifted in her seat. "So I guess she is with family for the holidays?"

"Yeah. She's making her annual pilgrimage to see her family. It's a bit of a big deal for her because her family are pretty homophobic. They don't get it."

"They're silly." Faith's voice drifted over the table.

"Yeah, I'd say they're pretty silly." Mariah said.

"She should have ditched them and hung out with us."

Mariah scrunched her face. "Well it's important to her, you know. She has younger siblings that she really cares about and even her mom and dad too, she doesn't stop loving them just because they don't approve of her."

"That's true," Tessa said as her hand stroked Faith's golden hair, "I love my parents even though they weren't very good parents. My ex's parents threw her out and did some terrible things to her when they found out about us, but she still helped them out when they needed money."

Mariah's fork stopped half way to her mouth at that last sentence.

"She?" she said, her voice fluted. She watched as Tessa looked up, her eyes a little wide, like she realised that she'd she'd let slip something. Their eyes connected and held.

"Yeah. She."

It made so much sense now. Of course. Of course she'd had an ex-girlfriend. She'd been completely unperturbed by their kisses – at least when it came the fact they were women. Without even realising, Mariah had built it up in her head like maybe Tessa was straight and that kiss against the wall of the Underground had been just a singular moment, Tessa carried away by music and adrenalin, not an indication of real attraction on her's had steadily reasoned it away over the intervening months to a corner of her mind where Tessa's actions had been really about some kind of intense friendship feelings because it was easier that way. That way she could put her into an untouchable category, safely tucked away from her desire.

That house of straw now came gusting down.

XxX

Tessa had swiftly changed the subject, they'd finished their meals and Tessa had insisted on paying. Then they'd returned to the hotel.

Faith was bouncing along as the sugar hit her. The snow was slowing down.

As they entered the reception, Tessa pulled a zip lock bag from her pocket.

"Look what I scored," she said waving it in front of their faces.

It was stuffed with marshmallows.

"Where did you get these?" Faith cried as she snagged the bag to inspect.

"I had a talk with the waitress and she got me some... and..." Tess pulled out three wooden skewers "I got us something to roast them with."

She walked through the french doors and towards the fireplace and looking rather pleased with herself.

"Can you handle some more sugar?" Mariah asked Faith.

"Is the Earth round!?" was the reply.

Mariah shook her head, cognisant that she was being the worst guardian to her sister right now but not caring enough to stop it. She rather liked the idea of toasting marshmallows over a fireplace.

There were a few guests sitting at a table by the window playing a game of monopoly, ferreted, no doubt, from the bookcase by the door. A man sat in a corner reading his book.

"It's a bit hot by the fire." he called out to them as they settled into the armchairs directly before it and indeed it was. They threw off their layers of clothing and Mariah hiked up her the sleeves of her knit sweater that now felt far too warm. They each grabbed a marshmallow and skewed them onto their sticks, leaning towards the open flame of the fire.

"The trick." Tessa was saying, "Is to keep the marshmallow just above the orange of the flame to make it melt and just when it's done, you stick it into the orange bit to get it to brown without actually it catching fire and burning."

She demonstrated with aplomb.

"What if I like mine charred to a crisp." Mariah asked as she shoved it well into the flame and waiting for it to catch fire before blowing it out. "See? Perfect."

"Sacrilege." Tessa replied as she delicately removed her perfectly browned marshemallow and placed the gooey mess into her mouth. Mariah watched her chew.

"Delicious" Tessasaid as she licked her fingers clean. "Careful." she said, pointing, "your marshmallow is about to jump ship"

Mariah blinked, looked to her stick and caught the marshmallow before it dripped off the stick.

After a few, Mariah was done. Somehow Faith and Tessa managed at eat at least five before they too gave up. They lay back in their chairs and stared at the flames curling around the wood and Mariah thought, that in spite of not making it back to the cabin, this was turning out to be a pretty awesome Christmas eve. Their companionable silence spoke to their ease. It felt effortless to be here with Faith and Tessa, like there was a quiet understanding that bound them. No need to talk unnecessarily, no need to hide behind a quick quip, it just was.

Her eyes drifted to Tessa's face, lazily tracing her profile with her eyes. Her mind turned over Tessa's revelation in her mind. She'd had a girlfriend. Mariah burned to know more, she needed to understand. Who was she? How had they met? Had it been love? Does that mean that Tessa was attracted to women too? Does that mean...

She stopped herself there, feeling her thoughts spiraling out. Tessa was with Noah and she was with Jess. And that alone made it impossible.

And she liked Jess. She was funny and kind and spending time with her and her eclectic, bohemian friends had opened things up for her. She was coming to understand herself in a way she never had before. And it was more than just realising that she liked women or that she'd never felt quite right with men. That was just the superficial part. Deeper than that was that she recognised that her armour which had protected her for so long, the sarcasm, the quips and a general defensiveness that had kept people at arms length to protect herself... it didn't have to be her default any more because she had family, friends, a lover and it was possible to relax once in while. To take in moments, just like this one with the crackle of fire and that lazy, warm feeling in the heart.

Tessa turned around to look at her.

"My fingers are sticky." she said and with great lassitude rolled out of her armchair. "I'll be back." and disappeared out the door. Faith flopped out of her chair and wedged herself next to Mariah who wrapped an arm around her little sister.

"Getting tired?"

It was probably somewhere around 8.30 but on winter nights it always felt later.

"I think this is what is called a sugar crash." Faith said.

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

A few moments more and Tessa reappeared with a grin on her face and guitar in her hand.

"Look what I found!" she said and sat down and began to tune the it. Faith perked up a little at that.

"Oooooh can you play one of your songs?"

"Well I was thinking more about playing some cristmas carols, you know, to go with the marshmallows."

"I want to hear one of your songs!"

"Have you heard them before?"

Faith nodded.

"Which one, then?"

"Ummmmmm. With Me. I want that one."

Tessa paused, her eyes went to Mariah as if to check it was okay.

"Why don't I play another one? I've been singing that one a lot lately."

"How about that one you played on the Hilary Hour?" Faith said,

"Uuuuh," Tessa said her gaze once more crossing Mariah's, "how about I sing you a new one that I've been working on?"

Faith seemed pleased with that, so Tessa settled herself down.

"This one is called Hiding Place." she said as she begun to pick the notes out from the strings.

 _I build you up like a tower and you fell_

 _In the dark you're devoured by yourself_

 _Screaming I'm out of air, you're silent_

 _do you want me to follow you down_

 _Where you go when you walk in the shadows_

 _Where you go when you want to be alone_

 _I don't know how to help if you run away_

Tessa looked up as she began to sing the chorus, her eyes finding Mariah's and they held for a moment. Long enough for her words to seem significant.

 _Can you take me with you when you go_

 _Can you take me with you when you go, when you go_

 _Anywhere I don't care, just leave me there_

 _Through the thick and the smoke_

 _No matter where_

 _Take me with you when you go_

Mariah felt breathless. Like the wind had been knocked out of her. Those words felt like they were for her. Like the way Tessa's gaze pulled away meant she meant them like that. Mariah sat quietly, listening but her heart was beating strong. Tessa looked at her finger picking as she continued;

 _I tried to save from the wreckage what I could_

 _I tried smooth down the edges into something good_

 _Tell myself that it's worth the effort_

 _Tell myself that it's getting better_

 _Now I know where you walk in the shadows_

 _Where you go when you want to be alone_

 _I can't help you if you run away_

 _Can you take me with you when you go?_

 _Can you take me with you when you go?_

 _Anywhere I don't care just leave me there_

 _Through the thick and the smoke no matter where_

 _Take me with you when you go_

 _Take me with you when you go, when you go_

Tessa's cheeks were flushed and the way she bent over her guitar, the way her voice inflected...what was happening?

 _Now I know where you walk in the shadows_

 _Where you go to be alone_

 _If you give me hand we can run away_

 _Run away, run away, run away_

 _Now I know where you walk in the shadows_

 _Where you go to be alone_

 _If you give me hand we can run away_

 _Run away, run away, run away_

The song had built to a crescendo. The man in the corner and the monoploy players were watching too but Mariah didn't see that, her attention was miopic.

 _Can you take me with you when you go?_

 _Can you take me with you when you go?_

 _When you go?_

 _Anywhere I don't care just leave me there_

 _Through the thick and the smoke no matter where_

 _Take me with you when you go, when you go_

 _Anywhere I don't care just take me_

 _Anywhere I don't care just take me_

 _Anywhere I don't care just take me_

 _When you go, when you go_

With the final chord Faith, the man in the corner and the monopoy players clapped. It pulled Tessa away from her guitar and she smiled at them. Mariah alone stayed still, gathering herself.

"Let's sing carols!" Faith was saying from her curled up position next to Mariah.

"I, uh. I think I'm going to head to bed, actually." Mariah said and extracted herself to stand. "I'll see you upstairs later."

Faith pouted but shifted to let her stand up.

Mariah got to the french doors before she felt a hand on her arm. She turned around.

"Mariah – are you okay?" Tessa asked, her face concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I guess I'm just tired, it's been a long day. I think I just need to get an early night."

Tessa was searching her face.

"Is it the song?" she asked softly

"It's... uh... a beautiful song. I'm just a little..." she wanted to say confused but she could see Faith watching them. "I'm tired. That's all."

"Okay." Tessa said slowly, like she didn't want to let Mariah go like this.

"You're standing under the mistletoe!" Faith suddenly exclaimed and pointed to the door frame. They both looked up. "That means you have to kiiiiiiis!"

Faith made a couple of smoochy noises. Mariah looked to Tessa and felt her eyes prick and she shook her head slowly,

"I can't." she whispered so low Tessa leaned in to catch it. In her eyes, Mariah saw understanding, like she got it.

"I won't." Tessa said but she continued to lean in until she pressed her lips to her cheek. Mariah closed her eyes and she felt the sensation of those lips tingle through her. She inhaled Tessa's scent and then moved away.

"See you upstairs.".

Mariah waved goodnight to Faith before turning and climbing the stairs to their hotel room.


	17. Chapter 17

After brushing her teeth, she undressed down to her t-shirt and panties. She slipped into the bed shivering at the cold sheets against her legs and lay on her side. Sleep was elusive, unsurprisingly, her mind was too busy reliving moments from the evening. That song and the way Tessa's eyes on her had made her feel, and most of all – what it all meant, what Tessa had hoped to communicate with that song? It made no sense! Not when they'd established, so clearly that they could not be a thing.

Some time later she heard the door crack open.

"Shhhh" she heard from Faith over the careful footsteps. Mariah turned over.

"It's okay." she said, "I'm not asleep."

At that Faith flipped on the light switch, making Mariah squint.

"Gee. Thanks, Faith."

Faith had the presence of mind to look abashed. She turned them off again as Mariah clicked on the bed side lamps. Tessa had already hung up her things and absconded into the bathroom while Faith kicked off her shoes and dumped her jacked, hat, gloves and scarf on the armchair. She bounced onto the bed and went to climb into the bed.

"Take off your jeans, socks and sweater, silly."

"Right"

She wiggled out of them and then threw them onto the floor.

"I should be telling you off for being so messy." Mariah said.

"But you won't, because you're my cool older sister." Faith said with a charming smile and mischievous twinkle in the eye that made Mariah think that she had a winning combination of both Sharon and Nick in her.

"I'm way too cool for that." agreed Mariah drily.

Tessa emerged from the bathroom, face scrubbed clean and came to stand at the bottom of the bed, eyeing it uncertainly. She caught Mariah's gaze and looked away.

"Take off your jeans, socks and sweater, silly." Faith said, swaddled in the bed sheets.

"Right." Tessa said.

"And you should go brush you teeth, missy. After all that sugar."

Faith rolled out of the bed. As she closed the door behind her, the room became quiet. Mariah looked away from Tessa who had turned her back and was pulling off her clothes and folding them to lay on top of Faith's things. Under her sweater she had a a loose t-shirt. Her hand slid up her back to unhook her bra and slide the straps off her arm from under the t-shirt. As she pulled down her jeans, Mariah couldn't help but look at the long expanse of creamy leg and she shivered, knowing they would be in the same bed. She felt both thrilled and apprehensive at the prospect. She both craved and feared this forced intimacy.

Tessa scurried to the bed and slid in at the opposite side to of the bed, so far over she looked like she might fall off the edge. She spent a moment arranging herself before she looked to Mariah and smiled tightly, sitting stiffly. Under her t-shirt, Mariah could see the swell of her breasts pressing against the fabric and she chastised herself for even looking but she had looked and now that was stamped into her brain.

"I guess Faith will sleep in the middle." Tessa said after a few moments where neither of them had said anything.

Yes. Thank god Faith was there. She could be the shield between them.

"I think that would probably work best." Mariah said as her mind willing supplied a number of scenarios in which only the two of them were sharing the bed and which involved various levels of physical intimacy. She ended with the image of them spooning, Tessa's lips on her neck, her hand cupping her breast, the forefinger and thumb rolling her nipple...

Mariah took a charged breath and turned onto her back. She needed to wrangle herself in, nothing about that thought was appropriate.

She could sense Tessa looking at her. She turned her head so see two black pools and it was magnetic the way their gaze locked. Her chest rose and fell in a shallow breath. All it would take was to stretch out her hand and clasp her wrist. A small tug would pull Tessa onto her, her soft body pressing her down into the mattress...

Faith served as the welcome distraction from the her spiraling thoughts. She drew breath and looked to her sister as she clambered back onto the bed.

"In you come." Mariah said and patted the next to her.

"Yay!" Faith said looking to both women. "This is fun!"

Both of them smiled down at their young charge as she settled down. On the other side of the bed, Tessa seemed to relax a little and slid to lie on her back. Mariah reached out to turn off the lamp and let the darkness fall on the small room. Faith chatted for a while but eventually she grew quiet, her breath deepened and the room fell into silence but for that sound. Mariah lay, wondering if Tessa was asleep already or if, like her, she was staring into the dark.

She balanced on the edge of voicing the question that had been burning all night.

"Tessa?" she finally said.

"Yeah?"

Mariah paused. She almost said 'nothing', almost said 'forget it, it's not important' but again she spoke like her words were not hers.

"Why didn't you tell me you'd had a girlfriend?"

She didn't know what she expected or even wanted to hear. She knew this question was possibly opening things up for a conversation she both wanted and wasn't sure she wanted.

In the darkness Tessa felt so much further away and the silence stretched out across the expanse between them until she replied;

"I guess it never came up."

Mariah guessed she was right but it felt too significant, like it should have come up. Like Tessa should have volunteered this.

"How long ago was it?"

"It was when I was eighteen." Tessa said. She spoke slowly, hesitantly as though the night was pulling the words from her mouth "I met her at... at a job I was working at. She was the one showing me the ropes because she'd been there for a while already. We got along well and started hanging out, so when I left a few months later, we continued to hang out.

"This isn't the diner job?"

"No. No, that was while I was at high school. I ended up going back there full time after this job didn't work out."

" What happened?"

"You mean with the job?"

Mariah did want to ask about the job but she sensed she couldn't. Tessa had always been reticent to share her past and Mariah could hear the hesitancy, the careful choice of words that seemed to indicate there was more to this than Tessa was saying.

"I mean with this girl."

Tessa made a sound, a kind of forceful exhale and Mariah thought that she might refuse to say anything more.

"It's okay, Tessa," she started, "if you don't want to tell me..."

There was another pause. Mariah could feel every cell buzzing as she waited for what Tessa might say a leaning forward into the space, her entire focus concentrated on the point in the darkness where she lay.

"We had this dream of getting an apartment and Crystal could come and stay with us because with the money I earned and what she got, we could make it work. But then her parents found out about us."

"What did they do?"

"They locked her up. I couldn't even see her. They took her phone away from her, any access to the internet. I couldn't text her, I couldn't email. Her brother agreed to give her some letters for me, so we planned for her to run away..." Tessa trailed off.

"And?"

Tessa sighed and Mariah could hear her turn onto her side. Her voice sounded a little closer own.

"I don't really want to talk about it." The words were soft and apologetic.

"Of course. I'm sorry." Mariah said, "I didn't mean to pry... I guess I just I was surprised tonight at dinner because you never said anything before and, I don't know - "

"It was never about you being a woman, Mariah."

Mariah laughed from a nervous energy rolling through her. The topic had taken a sharp turn and though she'd been thinking those very thoughts, it had lain unspoken between them since the day that she'd dragged Tessa by the hand past the horse paddock and and to her rust bucket car in the drive way. Everything since then had been nothing more than oblique references. But here Tessa was being direct.

"Well I know that now." Mariah said

"I also like boys, you know."

"Look, you don't have to explain it. And you don't have to be polite. I get it. You liked me as a friend and not like _that._ "

"No, Mariah. That's... that's not true. That's not how I like you."

Mariah's body felt like the buzzing ratcheted up a few notches. Her felt heat spiral through her, she forgot to breath.

"Then how?" she managed to get out.

She heard the rustle of sheets and felt Tessa's thumb move down her cheek.

"I like you _like that_." came the whisper.

Mariah slid her hand up to capture Tessa's hand with her own. She pressed the fingertips firmly to her lips, an unexpected sob pushing up against throat that she pushed back down with a shaky breath., before resting their linked hands in the gap between them, above Faith's head.

"Oh, Tessa." Mariah breathed.

She was with someone. Tessa was with her brother. She'd done her best not get in the way of that relationship, she'd extracted herself as much as she could from that equation but they couldn't seem to make that work and like a force quite beyond their control, they found themselves drawn together again and again.

"What am I to do with that?" she asked

"I don't know." Tessa said, her voice thick and tight. Mariah shifted her hand and felt out into the darkness. She found Tessa's cheek and there she felt tears. She slid her hand back to Tessa's and squeezed her fingers to try and convey everything she couldn't say even thought she knew it could never speak for what was in her heart.

They lay in silence like this until slept found them.

XxX

"Wake up!" Faith cried out.

Tessa took a moment to orientate herself, turning her head to see Faith was already up and fully dressed and, was standing at the bottom of the bed, her feet planted on the floor and hands on her hips like she was looking at two very naughty children.

Tessa shifted and became aware that she was still holding Mariah's hand. She looked over to see her eyes blink open sleepily as she drew a deep breath.

"Hey." she said and rubbed her eyes with her free hand. Then she looked at Tessa. "Hey."

Her voice shifted to a more subtle hue.

"Hey." Tessa said. She searched to see if she could decipher what Mariah was thinking. Last night she'd revealed things. Last night she'd told her, finally, how she felt. Through the darkness which seemed to cocoon them and held her safe, she'd finally said the words out loud. Last night she'd told Mariah she was bi and sung the song that she had written, the song that had begged to be written. It had swung in roundabouts in her head and it had been the only thing to keep her calm on the nights she couldn't sleep. It had never actually meant to be sung and never sung to Mariah.

Now in the grey light of day with her fingers still clasped around Mariah's, the safety of the night that illicited her confession had dissipated. She knew she shouldn't have done the things she'd done, none of them. It had been like delirium that had taken over her.

She found she couldn't read any of Mariah's thoughts.

"Oh my God, guys, it's already seven-thirty and we have to get back for breakfast, okay? Stop staring at each other and let's get going!"

"Geeze, take a chill pill, Faith." Mariah grumbled, releasing Tessa's hand and sitting up.

Faith was picking up their clothes and handing it to them.

"Honey, this body is going nowhere until it has some coffee in it."

"Okay, I'll go downstairs and find you both some." Faith said and scurried off.

Mariah looked to Tess as the door clicked shut. Neither spoke but the tension vibrated in the room. It felt physical that way the energy between them stretched and pulled as they moved around the room and Tessa found it hard to breath. In the bathroom, she splashed her face, gripping the edge of the sink and asked her reflection what she was meant to do now.

She knew. And she dreaded what that was.


	18. Chapter 18

By 8.30am they arrived, panting, at the cabin. Faith had climbed up the hills in the grey light of dawn, her snowshoes strapped to her feet, with a vigour Tessa found hard to match. She'd hurried quietly along, Mariah a few steps ahead of her.

They shed their outer clothes in the vestibule and Faith zoomed into the kitchen to greet her mother and brother. They'd been busy making a breakfast of scrambled eggs on buttery wholegrain toast, smoked salmon, avocado and a side of diced cucumber, tomato, drizzled with balsamic vinegar and a garnish of parsley.

"I'm starved!" she exclaimed and hugged her mother.

"You're back!" Sharon said, beaming.

Faith excitedly chatted about their adventure as she peered down at the scrambled eggs that had just been poured into the pan before snagging a slice of salmon from one of the plates and giving an innocent look when Sharon told her off. Mariah slipped past her and picked up the plates, knives and forks that where on the counter and exited to the living room to set the table.

Tessa stood hesitantly at the doorway, looking at Noah. He'd looked up briefly from dicing the cucumber before resolutely turning back to his task. After a few more moments of willing him to acknowledge her, she gave up.

She moved to the stove top espresso pot as it began to whistle, removing it from the gas flame and turning the element off. She pulled out a tray and placed it on there along with the coffee mugs, sugar and milk. She exited through the door to the dining table. Smiling tightly at Mariah, she arranged the cups next to the plates and found a large coaster to leave the pot, milk and sugar on. It was done in silence like a vortex had been created by her confession swallowing up all words between them. Mariah's breathy "What am I supposed to do with that?", the depth of the sadness that accompanied those words still resonated in her mind. She felt it like a physical ache because her confession was too little too late and she knew it. It had been selfishness, just like all of her actions. All her choices since the moment she'd left Sharon's place to move in with Noah had been ill advised and at the time she hadn't understood that, but oh she regretted it all now. All she'd done was weave the spider's sticky web tighter around herself and she was caught. To untangle herself now was going to hurt so many people.

A few more minutes and they were all seated with the meal before them. Noah had taken a seat beside her, still not glancing her way and she found herself opposite Mariah. How fitting to be the right angled corner in this little triangle, she thought.

Sharon suggested they say grace in honour of the birth of Jesus Christ and Tessa thought she saw Mariah roll her eyes before closing them all the same. Tessa followed suit, murmuring a soft amen at the end.

Faith started up her chatter again, picking up her story of their adventure, explaining how they'd gotten the _last room_ in the hotel and then the pub and the _marshmallows over the fire_ and how Tessa had sung a new song...

"A new song, huh?" Noah said, his head finally turning to look at Tessa, his eye flashing dangerous, "I didn't know you had a new song."

"It was so good that the other guests clapped too! And then we sang some Christmas carols..."

Noah had not stopped looking at her and she squirmed under the gaze.

"Roasting marshmallows. Singing songs. Sharing a bed. Sounds like you had a good time. Didn't you?" Noah said, his voice slipping under the chatter of his little sister. His tone demanded an answer and Tessa could feel the trap he was laying for her. There was no good way to answer this questions. In the corner of her eye, she saw Mariah's head turn to look at her too. She could look at neither of them.

"Yeah." she finally said under her breath and turned to her plate. She barely managed to keep the egg on her fork as she brought it to her mouth.

Thankfully Faith's recounting came to an end and the conversation turned to more general conversation. As if sensing Tessa's inability to contribute and Noah's unwillingness, Mariah kept the conversation flowing with an ease that Tessa found enviable. How she could act so natural when Tessa felt like the tension was pressing down on her chest like lead was beyond her. With every passing moment the feeling seemed to grow until she thought she might burst.

"I'm just going upstairs for a quick shower." she said at the first respectable moment she could

"Okay, but don't be long!" Faith said, "We have to open presents soon!"

"I'll be quick." she said and escaped.

She showered and dressed. She scrubbed her face and applied her makeup like an armour, dark eyes, red lips. She sat on the edge of the bed and gathered herself. She could get through this.

She arrived back down as the others were settling under the tree. Sharon placed a champagne flute in her hand.

"A toast." she said, "to family. To the occasions that bring us together. I'm delighted to have you all here with me for Christmas."

They raised their glass and Tessa took a sip. Noah emptied his glass and poured himself another one. And then another.

Sharon handed out the stockings and they began to unwrap; chocolates, sweets, lip balm, guitar picks, new strings for her guitar, nail polish, bath bombs. Tessa didn't know how to express her gratitude. Sharon smiled and told her it was nothing but it wasn't nothing. It something because of the thoughtfulness of each one. She'd known what weight of strings to get her, known the brand of lip blam she used, known her favourite chocolates. Her heart, already so tight in her chest squeezed tighter.

She was handed another present that she carefully pulled the ribbon off of and undid the thick glossy paper covered in little santas waving merrily on sleighs pulled by reindeer to find a black book embossed with the word 'Songs' in silver letters and a silver brushed Parker's pen in a box.

"Open the front page!" Faith said and Tessa did to find a message written there in Faith's handwriting.

 _A place to write all your future hit songs_ it said _love Faith and Sharon._

"This is amazing." Tessa said, rising to hug them each in turn. Faith beamed up at her.

"It was my idea." she said.

"It was." Sharon said.

"It's absolutely perfect." Tessa said.

As she sat down, Sharon handed her another present, this time a small box shape. On the tag, it said simply _Love, Noah._ Tessa felt a shiver down her spine. She looked to him, he looked back and she felt a wave of sadness. Sitting down, head bent, she unwrapped it. It was a jewelry box. For a brief, panicked second, she wondered if he'd gotten her a ring and glanced up at him to his stony eyes before opening the lid. Two diamond stud earrings set in platinum shone up at her from black velour. Simple and elegant and more expensive than anything she'd ever owned in her life. She looked at them and her heart sank because this was a special gift. It meant something and when she looked at him, his eyes did not reflect back when this gift meant. Not even close.

"Noah..." she said, "They're gorgeous."

"Let me see?" Faith asked and Tessa handed them for her to inspect.

Tessa moved in to hug Noah and it felt all wrong, the way his arms barely squeezed hers and she pulled away feeling tears in her eyes.

"Are you crying?" Sharon asked, swiftly handing over a few tissue papers, "Oh, Tessa, is crying! Look, you made your girlfriend cry, Noah!"

Tessa wiped them away as Mariah handed the earrings back.

"They're beautiful." Mariah said quietly.

"They are." Tessa said, choked.

She stared down at them as the gift opening continued, all the emotions from the last few days, all the things said, and the decision made knotting together in her stomach. She slowly closed the black velvet box.

"Okay, final gifts!" Sharon said as she handed each of them another present. Tessa found herself with another small box shaped present.

"Oh." said Mariah

Tessa looked up to find Mariah nervously looking at the box as if she didn't mean for Tessa to be holding it right now. She raised an eyebrow at her but Mariah seemed to regain her calm and shook her head to indicate her reaction was nothing.

Tessa flipped the card over to see the words _From: Mariah_.

"I didn't get you anything." Tessa said looking up again.

"That's fine, it's nothing, really."

"I didn't think you were coming..." Tessa said

"Honestly, it's fine. It's just a something small, hardly anything at all..."

Mutely Tessa pulled away the scotch tape, sliding out a small kraft box from the wrapping paper. She pulled the lip off and nestled in some cotton was a Christmas ornament in the shape of a red guitar. She extracted it and held it between her fingers.

"Oh, Mariah..." she said, immediately understanding what it meant. But before she could formulate anything more, Noah had stood up brusquely, grabbed his jacket and slammed the door shut.

XxX

The room was silent for a moment in the wake of slamming door. Mariah looked to Tessa who still held the red guitar. Her cheeks had flushed red and there was a furrow in her brow. She looked like she was about to cry again but before she did, she rose, mumbling that she'd go and check on Noah and Mariah watched as she unhooked her jacket in the vestibule and slid out the door.

"Ummm, that was weird." Sharon said.

"He's been in a bad mood since yesterday." Faith observed.

"I wonder what set him off?" Sharon continued.

Mariah stayed silent and sipped her champagne.

They were gone some time and after a few moments, Sharon and Faith turned their attention to piling up the presents to be transported upstairs. They were both upstairs and Mariah was making a pile out of the wrapping paper when the door opened. She saw Tessa slip into the kitchen while Noah marched into the living room without taking his shoes off. Without acknowledging her, he took the stairs two at a time and disappeared.

She needed a trash bag for the wrapping paper anyway, so she entered the kitchen to find Tessa leaning over the counter and sobbing.

"Tessa..." she said. Tessa looked up, tears streaming down her face "what happened?"

"I'm leaving."

"What?"

"Noah's going to drop me at the nearest bus."

"What do you mean...? Are the buses even running today?"

Tessa shook her head "I don't even know."

"It's Christmas, nothing will be running today! He's seriously going to just drop you off?"

"That's what I deserve."

"No." Mariah said sharply, "No, don't even say that, you don't deserve that."

Tessa was silent.

"Well you can take my car." Maria said, exiting the room momentarily to fish out her keys from her coat. She removed her car key and and placed it on the counter. "I'll get a lift down with Sharon and Faith."

Tessa looked at the key.

"Take it."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

She wanted to insist that Tessa stay. It was Christmas, the last thing anyone should be doing is driving hours back to Genoa city, but she also knew that Noah wouldn't have it and Tessa probably wouldn't want to stay.

Tessa wrapped her fingers around the keychain.

"Thank you" she said.

Mariah nodded. She waited a beat, hoping Tessa might elaborate.

"What happened?"

Tessa took a breath, wiped away the tracks of tears.

"I broke up with him."

"I gathered." Mariah said gently

"I've been so unfair to him. And to you," the tears started again, "and I'm so sorry for how I've behaved. I'm so sorry, Mariah."

"Shhhh. It's okay." Mariah said, her hand moving to cover Tessa's and squeezing it. She wanted to wrap her up in her arms but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do. She was feeling the beat of her heart and Tessa's hand, cool from being outside, under hers. She felt the buzz of her body and the way her breath didn't seem to be able to regulate itself properly. Her eyes burned with meaning as they looked at Tessa, even as she didn't mean them to, she'd only meant to offer comfort. Tessa pulled her hand away.

"No. Mariah... I can't do this."

"I'm.. I'm not. This isn't... I'm just saying, you don't have to feel sorry with regards to me-"

The sound of Noah footsteps alerted them to his approach.

"At least take my car." Mariah said.

Tessa nodded . Noah stood in the archway, Tessa's bag in hand. He stared at the two of them.

"Tessa's taking my car." Mariah said.

The look on Noah's face darkened.

"Of course." he said.

"You can't just abandon her at some bus station on Christmas day, Noah."

"You're hardly in a position to be telling me anything." he spat out before dropping Tessa's bag in the doorway and left to go back upstairs without another word. Tessa walked over to the bag and picked it up slowly.

"Please apologise to Sharon and Faith for me, won't you?"

"Of course."

"I hope it doesn't ruin their Christmas."

Tessa turned and exited. Mariah followed and stood at the door, watching her as she climbed into the car, as she turned the engine on, as she drove away, down the snowy driveway and disappeared into the forest. She slowly closed the door and from under the sink, extracted a black trash bag. With a heavy heart, she went to clean up the living room.


	19. Chapter 19

Tessa pulled up in the driveway. She turned the car off and slid out from behind the wheel, the keys jangling in her hand and the sound of her feet crunching on gravel. At the door she rang the bell and waited for the it to crack open.

"Hi" Mariah said.

"Hi."

"Let me just grab my coat."

Mariah swung the door wide for Tessa to step through as she walked down the steps to pick up her handbag before unhooking her coat and sliding it on, winding on a scarf and flicking her hair out from the collar.

"Let's go." she said.

Tessa handed Mariah the keys and then took the passenger's seat.

"Thank-you, Mariah, so much for lending me your car."

Mariah looked to her and smiled.

"Of course."

"I don't know how I would have gotten back home otherwise."

"Well I love my brother but he can be a dick sometimes."

Tessa sighed and sat back in her seat as Mariah turned on the car.

"I hurt him."

"So did I." Mariah replied after a pause.

"I'm sorry if I ruined Christmas for you and your family."

"You didn't." Mariah said although Tessa wasn't sure if she believed her. "I'm just sorry you had to spend it that way."

They pulled out of the driveway onto the road. The road was salted and the snow pushed into banks on either side. The edges had turned grey but the fields were white making the grey day brighter They sped up.

"I've had worse Christmases." Tessa said.

Mariah didn't say anything then. Tessa turned to look at her one hand on the wheel, the other relaxed in her lap, her hair tumbling over her shoulders in waves. Mariah never pried, even when she made comments like these, that could be construed as an invitation. Perhaps it was because she too had a past that was less than stellar. From what she'd gathered in the time they'd known each other, Mariah's childhood had been as fucked up as her own in a completely different way. Neither had ever said anything more than a few comments in passing, a short conversation here and there. She remembered sitting down in Crimson Lights and telling her about men that looked at her too long and a father who was too handsy, things she wasn't in the habit of sharing and she remembered Mariah's concerned face and the touch of her fingertips on her forearm. Even then she hadn't pried for more than Tessa was willing to give.

"Any plans for tonight?" Mariah finally ventured

"Oh. No. I'm just settling into my new space and I don't.. I mean I should be going out to this New Year industry event and promote myself but I feel like I just need to stay home. Watch When Harry Met Sally, eat some popcorn, drink some vino, maybe watch the ball drop, if I make it that late."

Mariah gave a light snort. "When Harry Met Sally?"

"Hey, don't judge. Remember that godawful movie we watched? I can't even remember it's name, that's how bad it was. " Tessa said. "How about you. Plans?"

"Yeah. I have plans." Mariah said but didn't elaborate.

They rode in silence, turning right at the intersection that lead towards the freeway and on towards Genoa City. Tessa played with the fringe of her scarf, twisting the fibers around her fingers. A a subtle tension accompanied them. Memories of Christmas Eve were still in the forefront of Tessa's mind, had preoccupied her thoughts since her arrival back in Genoa City, even as she felt a pang for not feeling more cut up over her break up. In the end, it had been so easy. The discomfort of being with him had grown so strong that telling him that it wasn't working anymore had felt like relief. She regretted how long she'd stayed with him, regretted the betrayal of the kisses she'd had with Mariah while with him but she had not been sad to leave his austere pent-house with it's harsh contrasts. Though she missed having a person in her space, she didn't miss him.

But she missed Mariah, even as she sat inches away.

Tessa directed Mariah to take the exit leading into the West End.

"Well. This is me." Tessa said as they pulled up in front of a red brick building, the kind with the metal fire escapes attached in the alley way.

"You didn't have too much trouble finding a place then?"

"It wasn't the best time to be looking but fortunately this place was desperate to lease for the first and as it was already empty, I got to take it a bit earlier."

"Nice."

Tessa waited a beat before adjusting her handbag onto her shoulder.

"Did you want to come up and see the place?" she asked tentatively.

Mariah leaned forward, looking up at the building.

"I have … a thing I need to go and do just around the corner... but can I drop by afterwards? In about an hour?"

Tessa could suppress the wide smile nor the way her heart lifted in her chest.

"Yeah. Sure. Just buzz 302 when you arrive."

XxX

There was nothing to tidy, but she was found herself wiping down the counter top and fluffing the pillows on the couch . She rolled up her yoga mat and placed it in the corner of the living room, only to decide that it would make more sense by the front door. She sat down with a tea and a magazine, but she was soon up on her feet again, looking out the window. She scrolled through instagram for a bit before deciding she needed some music on. She went through her playlists and deciding on Nessi Gomez and then deciding it was too angsty and settling on Novo Amor but before more than a song played, she turned it off and picked up her guitar, aimlessly picked through some chords.

The buzzer went and her fingers felt a bit clammy as she put the guitar in its corner. She picked up the receiver and dialed the code.

Another minute and Mariah was knocking at the door.

"Hey" Tessa said, opening the door. Mariah entered, her eyes casting about.

"This is adorable!" she said as she pulled off her coat, hung it up on a hook and removed her shoes.

The wooden floor was likely original, sanded and polished, giving a warmth to the space. The white walls of the corridor led past a bathroom on the left and a kitchen to the right and a breakfast bar looked out into a living room with a tall Yuka plant in a pot by the sectional couch and a palm plant by the window. A small table was pushed up against the wall with a TV propped up on it and next to that was a door that led to the bedroom.

"I really like it," Mariah said

It couldn't be more different from Noah's. It was simple but inviting. It was imperfect and homey.

"Kind reminds me of Sharon's"

"Thanks." Tessa said.

"How did you furnish this so quickly?"

"Oh it came furnished. I would have been sleeping on the ground otherwise."

"Oh nice."

The stood for a beat before Tessa inhaled and started to move towards the kitchen.

"A drink? Can I get you a tea? Or a beer? Or a wine?"

"Uh, yeah whatever is fine."

Tessa pulled out two wine glasses and a bottle. She brandished it with a quizzical look and Mariah who gave a nervous laugh.

"Sure." She said.

Tessa spent a moment wrestling with the foil covering the bottle until Mariah sidled up and pried it from her grasp.

"I used to work at the Underground." she said and proceeded to uncork it with ease. "Nice wine." she commented and began to pour them both a glass.

"Well. I figure it's New Years."

"I approve." Mariah said.

"I have some cheese and crackers."

Tessa extracted a couple of cheeses from the fridge, a camembert and a gruyere. She pulled from the cupboard some water crackers and picked up some grapes from a bowl and placed them on a large plate.

"Oh my, a little fancy, aren't we?"

"Well, I actually have money for pretty much the first time ever in my life and like I said. New Years."

"Well, I totally approve."

They moved to the couch, settling down and a silence fell on them again. Tessa grabbed her phone to turn on music again and looked to Mariah who was munching on the cracker. She grabbed a couple of grapes and popped them in her mouth. She chewed and then swallowed and still the silence held and she looked to Mariah who was looking back at her.

"Oh god, we're awkward." she said and they both burst out into laughter that was entirely disproportionate to the statement but it was a release of nervous energy between them and as it died down, the energy felt smoother between them.

"So, uh, Priya gave me a call after I got back from the cabin."

"She did?"

"Yeah, she saw the article."

"And?"

"And I've been soundly told off."

"Well, this happened straight after The Hilary Hour, right?"

"Yeah."

"So this was after you'd been told not to discuss..."

"Yeah. But my twitter blew up again. Have you checked yours?"

"Yeah, I ended up turning of all notifications because it was getting a bit much."

"Seems they've coined a name for us."

"I know! Teriah. What is that? Sounds like terror or something."

"That is so true!"

"Part of me wants to post a pic of use drinking wine on New Years, just to mess with their heads."

"Ooooohohohoho, you are so evil."

"Yesssssss."

They laughed and drank from their glasses.

XxX

They found their rhythm again. They chatted, their words falling from their mouths and the wine filled their glass.

"I'm feeling like eating something, so I might just grab some takeaway." Tessa said as some as she looked at the time. It was approaching six-thirty.

"I don't know what time your plans are, but you're welcome to join me if you like."

"Oh, uh, actually, I don't have plans anymore."

Tessa frowned.

"Oh. Okay. What happened?"

Mariah seemed to grow self conscious as she cradled her wine glass with a font of wine in her lap.

"I uh. I don't have plans for tonight anymore... because I just broke it off with Jess."

"Oh." Tessa said. Her immediate feeling was elation but she quickly pulled it down. "I'm sorry to hear that … things didn't work out."

Mariah looked at her seriously for a moment. "I'm not."

Tessa felt a sort of heat spiral up from the base of stomach. She felt her cheeks flush. Mariah's gaze was electrifying and impossible to hold.

"Oh." Was all she could manage.

"So, if you don't mind having company tonight."

Tessa's cheeks felt like they were burning, she wondered if Mariah could see it. Her mind had spiraled quickly into a dangerous zone. She gathered herself with a breath.

"Of course, I mean yes. Yes, I'd love to have you here."

Mariah smiled at her.

"Great. So, uh. Dinner, right? What shall we get? Mexican, Indian, Chinese, Pizza...?"

Unable to decide, they threw on their coats and decided to walk over to the shops. The air was snappy and they pulled down their hats, pulled their scarves tight around their necks and donned their gloves. They walked side by side, turning down a couple of streets until they reached Johnson's Ave. It was the main strip of shops in the West End and a popular clubbing street. The lamp posts were festive, wrapped in fairy lights. The street was already buzzing with early punters ready to celebrate. A few revelers with a few too many shots in them were crowing loudly. A young man with a rainbow flag and nothing more than tight lycra shorts was bounding down the street.

"Brrrr. Cold." Maraih said and bumped shoulders with Tessa as if to draw warmth from her. Tessa felt the back of their gloved hands brush together. She slid her hand around to capture Mariah's in her own, feeling Mariah squeeze her hand and she smiled as they continued down the street, talking about nothing of importance. They decided on mutter paneer with rice and a garlic naan from the Indian restaurant. Walking home, they continued to hold hands,Tessa swinging the bag with their takeaways back and forth. They ate on the couch, their legs curled up beneath them and Tessa couldn't remember the last time things felt so good.

While Mariah loaded the dishwasher, Tessa searched for When Harry Met Sally on Netflix. She pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and spread it out and when Mariah came, she lifted a corner as an invitation for them to share. Mariah bit her lip and slipped under so that they sat side by side. Tessa could feel the heat of her body, they were so close, and half her attention lay in that small space between them. Tessa shifted and felt their arms press together and a few minutes later, from under the blanket, she felt soft fingertips trace against the back of her hand. It sent a shiver up her spine and she caught her breath as their fingers interlaced. It took some moments before she could bring her attention fully back to the movie, as Sally and Harry parted ways at the end of their road trip. As the pair parted again for the second time at the airport, Tessa felt Mariah's thumb slowly begin stroking her skin. Her chest began to rise and fall with a heavier breath and she stopped paying attention to what was happening on the screen at all. She turned to look at Mariah whose eyes seemed squarely fixed on the screen but she was certain that she wasn't concentrating on that either. She watched Mariah's profile, noting that her breathing was irregular too, hearing the in and out, noticing the way her lips parted just a little. Her cheeks seemed rosy in the dim light, her eyelashes curling softly as she blinked. God she was beautiful.

She lifted her other hand, moving it across her body and coming to rest on Mariah's arm, her fingertips moving up. She felt the back of her hand accidentally brush against the swell of Mariah's breast. A little intake of breath and green eyes turned to look at her. They flicked down to Tessa's lips and then back up. Their gaze held and she could feel the moment burgeoning. This was it. This was it!

They both leaned in. Tessa's eyes fluttered closed. Their lips met. A small explosions erupted in her stomach, her insides were liquid, her heart beat fast. She felt Mariah trace a tongue along her lower lip and she whimpered as the kiss deepened, feeling her whole body sing.

"Wow." Tessa said as they pulled away.

"Yeah. Wow."

Mariah shifted, turning sideways to face her, her hand reaching up to cup her cheek, her eyes shifting to her mouth, hungry. Their lips met again. It was like being pulled out of her skin. Her focus narrowed to those lips and that tongue and the her stomach fell away leaving a warm ache that demanded more. She shifted and leaned in, her hand moving around Mariah's waist to her back, pulling her close until their bodies met, their breasts pressing together. Mariah sighed, her hand snaking around to cradle the back of Tessas' head, her head tilting a little further. She pushed Tessa down against the arm of the couch and came to lie on top of her, pulling Tessa's legs up and settling a leg between them. Tessa groaned as she felt the thigh press against her center.

On screen Harry and Sally met for the third time in a book store.

They pulled away again. Mariah's pupils were dilated and her eyes stormy as she looked down at Tessa.

"I want you." she breathed.

Tessa responded by crashing their lips together.

XXX

 _So here is the thing. I can do smut. Should I? Let me know._  
 _Also I'm going away for two weeks and won't have access to the internet. I can probably get another update done before then but just an FYI I won't be working on this while gone and internet is negligible and I may decide to end this fic with the next chapter anyways._


	20. Chapter 20

It was as if the world drew to a close. As if it collapsed on itself, falling rapidly into a pinprick, the roar of its silent demise resonating in Mariah's ears. She felt the particles of her body begin to fall from their orbit, her point of reference became the Tessa's body pressed to hers, the hands that had edged under her top, tracing circles on the skin of her back and an instant mouth. It was these things that stopped her from disappearing into nothing too.

Mariah's hand moved down Tessa's bent knee, fingers digging into the rough texture of her jeans. She felt the heel of Tessa's foot in the small of her back as the leg hooked around her waist.

"Fuck." she murmured, rocking her hips forward, illiciting a groan. The finger tips on her back dug into her skin. She slid a hand under Tessa's top and up her rib cage. She dipped a thumb under the underwire of the bra, feeling the soft flesh of the breast, circling down and back up. Tessa bit down on Mariah's lower lip.

Mariah pushed the bra up, the nipple playing against the palm of her hand sending electricity up her arm. Her hips were finding a rhythm and she could feel the heat through their jeans where her thigh pressed in. The leg she was straddling rose up and Tessa's hand moved to press her down and she felt like she was drowning, she was so close.

She pulled away, pushing herself up onto her knees. She smoothed her tousled hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she said between deep breath, laying a hand against her beating heart. "I just need a moment, I uh, I mean, that's just..." she blew out a throaty sigh and then looked to Tessa.

"It's okay." Tessa said tightly, as she pushed herself to sitting against the arm of the couch, adjusting her bra back into place, her legs drawing into her chest. "I get it"

Mariah eyebrows raised. "No... I don't - "

"You don't have to explain, I get it, it's it's probably too soon and your brother and everything, I get it."

"No, Tessa, no none of that!" Mariah pried open Tess's clasped hands and dipped her head to kiss one of them. She looked up and was relieved to see Tessa's face soften. "I don't know if you noticed but I was getting a little carried away just then."

"Well isn't that kinda the point?"

"Well yes, but I'd like to think I can last longer than two minutes, especially for our first time."

Tessa smiled at that, sitting up until her lips were millimeters away from Mariah's.

"Oh would you?" she teased, her breath tickling Mariah lips but instead of kissing her, she began placing small wet kisses along her jaw before moving down to her neck.

"Holy Jesus, you're going to kill me, Porter." Mariah sighed.

Tessa responded by gently sucking on the pulse point of the neck and sliding her hand back up her top to deftly unhook the bra.

"Someone had done this before." Mariah said before she gasped an 'oh' as Tessa sucked harder.

"Maybe..." Tessa said as she moved her lips to a new spot and her hand moving around the front. The backs of her fingers brushed over Mariah's breast. "...maybe you're talking to much."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

Tessa stood up and held out her hand pulling Mariah along,into the bedroom. The lights from the street shone through the window and onto the bed with a warm yellow glow. In the light she looked like apparition, a nymph, a dream. She turned to look at Mariah. She was seductress and the girl next door. Sensuality and vulnerability. Tessa pulled Mariah into her and wrapped one arm around her waist and the other threading into her hair. They kissed, their lips and tongues moving together with an intoxicating slowness . Mariah's body softened. Her hands slide under Tessa's top, unhooking her bra and she stepped back as she pulled them up and off, dropping the discarded items to floor. Her fingertips traced over the alabaster skin reverently, noting how Tessa's stomach contracted as she moved over it, coming to rest on the button of her jeans. She undid it before peeling the material away, taking the underwear with it.

"This is supposed to be way sexier." Mariah said after a beat as she she struggled a little to get the skinny jeans off from around Tessa's ankles.

"Trust me. You kneeling down like that is sexy."

Mariah got the second leg off and threw the jeans to the side before she graze began to move up Tessa's body. Long legs, womanly hips, small, enticing breasts with deep pink nipples.

"I see what you mean."

Tessa blushed, cleared her throat, pulled Mariah to standing and guided her to the end of the bed before pushing her to seated. Mariah watched as Tessa knelt down, her fingers making quick work of her jeans' button and fly. She obligingly lifted her hips up as Tessa shimmied the jeans and underwear off and shivered at the way Tessa's gaze lasciviously took her in. A hand gently spread her legs apart and Mariah trembled as Tessa placed a kiss on the inside of each thigh. Then Tessa rose up, pulling Maria's top and bra off in one sweep. Her hands traced delicate circles on the outside of Mariah's thighs.

"Even." she said. They scooted up onto the bed, coming to lie on their sides, looking at each other. They traced their finger tips along each other's curves, along legs, hips, arms, stomach and breasts. Mariah's breath grew shallow when Tessa dipped her head and took a nipple in her mouth, tongue scrapped over it, the suction causing her to groan and arch forward. Tessa's fingernail scraped down her back, pressing into the flesh of her buttocks and with a growl Mariah rolled onto Tessa , exhaling as their skin met, her nose grazing the length of Tessa's jawline and gently biting into the tender flesh of her throat.

"Mmmmmmm" she hummed as their legs settled together, as she pressed hers into Tessa's center and felt the wetness on her thigh. She rocked back and forth a few times, appreciating the view of Tessa's half lidded eyes gazing up at her, her red, full bottom lip and the white teeth biting into it.

Then, lifting her leg away, her hand traveled down, sliding into the warm slit, noting the way her touch illicited a bucking of the hips, a sharp gasp. Her gaze was questioning as her fingers stilled, pressing at the opening and Tessa nodded her head, moaning as Mariah pressed two fingers in. Her thumb nestled between the lips, resting against her clit. She pushed the fingers deeper, and began to move in and out, watching as Tessa's chest flushed, as the tiny gasps and murmurs built.

"God, you're killing me Porter." Mariah said

To which Tessa merely smiled before closing her eyes, her hips matching the rhythm of Mariah's hand and Mariah felt like she'd never seen anything as beautiful as this before. The was a headiness to having Tessa beneath her, being pleasured, wanting this. She felt invincible, powerful.

Mariah felt fingertips traced up the inner flesh of her thigh, sliding between the lips and over her clit and slide inside. Tessa's thigh rise up to push them deeper.

"Oh my god." she groaned as the palm of the hand pressed in and she rocked her hips feeling the friction built. Propped up on an elbow by Tessa's head, her hand gripped into the chocolate hair and Tessa arched her head back.

"Yessss" came the guttural response.

Mariah grunted and thrust harder. Their bodies moved in a heated rhythm and she could feel the ache building, the heat burning at the base of her spine, crackling, sparking, fire. Her lips pressed against Tessa's neck sucking and Tessa cried out again. It was sound and smell and touch and just the right measured rhythm that was building upon itself, it was the desperate cadence of Tessa's cries, the pitch rising, feeling how close she was, wanting to savour this moment, but unable to slowdown. Her fingers pulled Tessa's hair harder and in response she felt a sudden clenching around the fingers buried inside Tessa, as Tessa cried out, her orgasm hitting her, sudden and unexpected. Mariah pulled back to watch the 'O' of her lips, the silent keening but this lasted only a moment before she felt that same energy exploding in her, a starburst, scattering her out like stardust, shattering her to pieces.

"Well fuck me." she said as she collapsed onto Tessa, her face burrying into her neck as her breath stabilised and her heart slowed. Tessa laughed in her ear, her breath tickling her ear.

"Oh think I'm funny, do you?"

Tessa rolled her over so that Mariah lay on her back and peppered kisses on her lips, face and neck.

"You're hilarious."

"I'm so glad I amuse you."

They climbed under the sheet and Tessa pulled Mariah's arms around her waist so that she was nestled up against her.

"Hmmm, so I feel like maybe I should be the little spoon on account of my height." Mariah said.

"I think you totally topped me tonight so deal with it." Tessa replied as she drew the hand up to cup her breast. Mariah decided she could live with the situation.

The sound in the room became the slowing of their breaths, deepening into the delta zone, pulling them towards stillness and in that calm Mariah felt like her body was humming a slow release. She felt safe and she was so unaccustomed to feeling that.

Sleep pulled her under.

Some time later the clock struck twelve and a new year started.

XxX

She became aware of daylight through her eyelids before she blinked them open and it took a moment longer to remember where she was and why. She smiled, shifting her weight and turned over to find the bed empty and her hand reached out to ascertain that that side of the bed was cold. The sound of dishes roused her so she securely wrapped the bed sheet around herself before venturing out to the kitchen.

"Mmmm, hello." Mariah said sidling up to Tessa and watching the eggs crackling in the pan alongside some bacon and hash brown. "Looks good."

She wrapped her arms around Tessa's waist, dropping a kiss on her neck.

"Happy New Year."

"Oooh, yes, Happy New Year."

Glancing out the window Mariah could see the day was overcast and she shivered.

"You should go back to bed. I'll be ready in just two minutes with food and coffee and I rather liked the idea of you, naked, waiting in my bed.

"Mmmmm I rather like being naked in your bed."

"That's what I like to hear, woman!"

Mariah laughed as she pulled the tie free from Tessa's dressing gown and let it fall open to find she had nothing underneath.

"I'm not the one standing in the kitchen cooking me some eggs."

Her hand smoothed over Tessa's stomach

"Hey!"

"What?"

"Pour the coffee, will you and then get back to bed, woman."

"Yes m'am."

By the time Mariah had followed instruction and buried herself into the duvet, Tessa was arrivng with a tray. She placed it on the bed and leaned in for a lingering kiss.

"Mmmm." she hummed which made Mariah smile. "Breakfast is served."

"Thank-you." Mariah said and reached for the fork. They settled side by side, balancing their plates in one hand and eating with the other.

"This is good!" Mariah exclaimed after a few bites.

"Don't sound so surprised!"

"Well cooking isn't your forte."

"True. But eggs on toast, bacon and hash browns, that I can manage."

"And coffee."

"Oh yes. Most importantly coffee."

Mariah took picked up the cup from the side table and sipped.

"Also good."

Tessa beamed which made her nose crinkle which Mariah found ridiculously endearing. She leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"I think I'll keep you."

"Okay." Tessa grinned and then looked at her for a moment. "So no regrets? About last night?"

"No." said Mariah,"you?"

"No."

"Good."

"I just wanted to make sure that it didn't happen too fast..."

"Are you kidding? I've been wanting this since before San Fran."

Tessa laughed."No, I just mean... I kinda jumped on you the moment you broke it off with Jess..."

"Well that was kinda the plan."

"Oh, you devious little minx!"

"Well it worked, didn't it." said Mariah with a mischievous twinkle in the eye.

"It sure did." Tessa said warmly. " And I'm glad that we finally got on the same page."

"Yeah. Me too."

Mariah saw Tessa poke at her eggs a few times

"What?" she asked

"Well..."

"Go on"

"I'm just thinking that if we're seeing each other... Your family and stuff..."

"You mean telling them?"

"Am I jumping the gun?" Tessa asked her eyes widening. "Is this too soon to be talking about that? I just, I'm not sure if we should? I don't want to hurt Noah anymore and what would you mum think?"

"Wow, okay, so this must be what they mean about lesbians and U-Hall."

Tessa looked at her quizzically.

"So, you know, while coming to terms with being a queen woman, I did some research and apparently there is this joke that lesbians will bring a U-Hall on their second date."

Tessa frowned deeper

"Because two women... With all the emotion... Things can move kinda fast..."

"Oh."

"So basically I'm saying it's all good. I haven't even thought about telling or not telling but I think for now," Mariah said, "I'm cool to keep things under wraps until we're ready."

Tessa looked relieved.

They finished their breakfast and burrowed back into the bed, Mariah sliding into Tessa's side and resting her head on her shoulders. The day outside looked grey and uninviting and there was nowhere to be. Mariah was perfectly content to lie in Tessa arms. She could hear the steady heart beat where her ear lay, she could feel the soothing circles on her back and she could smell Tessa's skin. Her heart felt like it was unstitching itself, like it had been knotted together until now and it felt both exhilarating and scary because she knew now what she was feeling - what she'd been feeling for some time but had been unable to acknowledge. This feeling was too deep and tender to be anything else. She felt like she could lie here forever and be happy. Like the scratchy feeling in her chest that she's lived with her whole life was soothed. Like she didn't have to fight quite as hard. She hadn't realised just how tightly wound she had been. How much she'd been pushing back at the edges of herself.

She opened her eyes and looked at Tessa's face, relaxed, serene. she kissed her jaw line.

"Mmmmm." Tessa hummed.

Mariah kissed her chin, moving to her cheek and then rose up to kiss her lips. Tessa cracked an eye open.

"Yes?" she asked

Mariah bit her lip. Not able to say anything, she kissed her again, savouring the way desire ignited in the pit of her stomach. She pulled at the knot of the dressing gown, pushing the cloth aside and spreading her palm on the skin of Tessa's stomach. Arms wrapped around her before flipping her onto her back and Tessa settled on top, pinning Mariah with her weight.

"Hey!" she protested

"My turn." Tessa said, her eyes flashing. Mariah nodded mutely.

They kissed again as Tessa pulled at the bed sheet to expose her body. A hand move to between her legs. She was already wet and her breath caught as a fingertip slid up and down. Then she felt herself be penetrated and moaned into Tessa's mouth. As her hand began to thrust, Tessa pulled back, locking their eyes and Mariah fell into them. The instinct was to look away, to escape how exposed she felt. Perhaps Tessa saw this because she murmured 'stay with me' and kissed her softly. Mariah's hands griped in Tessa's arms as if to anchor herself. The rising emotion felt too big to be contained in her chest and tears welled as her breath came harder. She blinked to stay focused on Tessa. Tear drops rolled out the side of eyes as the pitch of her moans increased and when she fell, her orgasm moved through her like a warm rolling wave. It was what she'd always thought it ought to be and what she'd learnt it never was, for her, at least.

"I got you." Tessa murmured as she pulled her into an embrace. Mariah rested there, letting the heaviness steel over her.

Mariah knew that there would be resistance to her and Tessa, how could there not be? But lying there with Tessa's arms around her, all of that was not important. It had been present the moment they met, that ineffable pull towards discovery, towards her hearts desire to know herself and though there had been moments where she had felt desperate to stop feeling so much, she had not regretted meeting Tessa because the promise of this, this moment with her heart unfurling in her chest. The promise of someone who got her and made her feel less alone. Someone who made her believe in love. She felt how profound that was, how grateful she was because love had always been a thing of condition in her world, something to be metered out, measured. What she felt had no condition except that it must exist.

She kiss her then and tasted her own tears and because she couldn't say the words just yet Mariah placed a hand against Tessa's face, her thumb brushing across her cheekbone and Tessa smiled like she understood.

"I got you" Tessa said again with a deep tenderness.

Mariah tucked her head in to Tessa's neck and let herself be held.

XXX

So that's it folks. I know there is still a lot of story I could have explored and I kinda half planned on continuing past this point so forgive the threads left dangling but I do want to focus on other projects too so I figured let's at least get them to this point! Thank you to my faithful readers who followed along for the ride and especially those who commented, some on almost every chapter, you are the reason I was motivated to write this much to begin with! I hope Mal gets his act together with Teriah aspa (or gets fired so someone else can get their act together, dear lord) because it seems criminal to waste the chemistry of these characters, but I hope this helped fill something of the rather yawning gap of the last few months on the show.


End file.
